11 Days

11 days since our IVF cycle was canceled.

The first several days were spent drowning in sorrow. I finally allowed myself to feel all of the hurt and pain that has been building up since we started with infertility treatments. I collapsed into bed sobbing.

The type of sobbing that leaves you physically and emotionally exhausted.

The week after the canceled cycle was spent in bed and/or on the couch. Everything took excruciating effort. I could barely drag myself from the bed to the couch and back again. Housework was out of the question. Bathing was optional. Eating was beyond difficult.  The intensity of my pain was so great I was beginning to worry I would never again feel better.

I honestly felt worse than if someone had died.

It’s the kind of pain that leaves you feeling destroyed. So incredibly painful that every time you even try to wrap your mind around what happened you feel as though you are suffocating. You begin to question how someone can feel so much pain and possibly live through it.

I pleaded with my Husband to make it stop. I begged him to tell me when the pain would go away. He didn’t know what to tell me and instead just wrapped his arms around me even tighter.  

One morning I finally woke up. It was the first time in a whole week I saw the clock before the afternoon. At first it didn’t seem real. I stayed in bed for another hour, in complete disbelief that my body was actually allowing me to be up this early.

It was my first day in moving forward. I was doing laundry and cleaning our home by 9am. My Husband thought he came home to the wrong place. I was up and dressed and had makeup on. I was even, dare I say, in a good mood.

Things have not been perfectly rosy since my turning point, but they have been much better. I still have my moments. The pain is slowly being replaced by sadness. And that’s okay. I can handle sadness.

There have even been moments when I don’t even think about our infertility. I wouldn’t have believed it myself a week ago, but it can and does happen. Try going to the movies and seeing a comedy. It helped me feel normal.

Now it is time for us to move forward. Move on to the next step, no matter what it may be. I still don’t have answers as to what happened. I may never know. And I still don’t know where to go from here. But we’re moving forward. I have a phone consult this week with SIRM and a meeting with Dr. RE next week. Hoping we can gain some insight on what happened and what our options are.

It’s time to let go of the pain from this cycle and move forward. As the quote from the top of my blog says:

Courage is Going from Failure to Failure Without Losing Enthusiasm.