I never thought I would be thankful for infertility.
But I am.
Infertility is a horrible road to go down. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. And yet, I'm thankful for our journey. Of course I never felt thankful while we were going through it. Of course it's one of those things that doesn't really make sense until you're on the other side of it all.
I am so very thankful for our daughter. I'm also thankful for the hard road it took to get to her because it made me a better parent.
I was one of those little girls who grew up excited to someday be a mommy. I loved playing dolls. I loved babies. If there was a baby in the room chances are I would ask to hold it. I loved babysitting and I heard all the time growing up that everyone thought I would be a wonderful mother someday. Even our wedding video is filled with comments from family and friends about how we needed to be parents.
Then infertility hit. Hard.
At times I thought I would never get to be a mother. And then it finally happened to us. I was thrust into the midst motherhood and at times found myself like every other mother out there asking myself what the heck happened?! Motherhood is overwhelming and hard and absolutely wonderful. Our beautiful little girl can often be found snuggled in my arms. I can't get anything done around the house and that's okay. It can all wait. She was less than a week old before I found myself snuggling her to my chest and telling my husband "I already miss this..." Even in the really though moments I remind myself how worth it she is and how I will miss even the hard moments. I feel like I'm hyper aware of how fleeting this time is with our little girl and I try to soak it all up. I spend hours watching her sleep, soaking in every last detail. I find myself at the grocery store holding people up because I'm gazing at my baby and completely forgetting where I'm at in the moment. I also think about had we gotten pregnant easily on our own we wouldn't have been where we're at in life right now. Things we didn't have when we first started trying include living close to family, owning our home, being able to upgrade to a larger vehicle, all the baby stuff we've been able to get for her, my husband having a job that allowed for him to be able to take an entire month off, my husband's schedule he has that's week on/week off, a stronger marriage from going through the struggle of infertility together, the time we had to just be husband and wife. I'm thankful for all of those things and more.
I don't feel my baby is more special than any other. But I do feel that for me personally I have a much deeper appreciation and gratefulness I wouldn't have had if pregnancy had come easily to us. Of course I still would have loved her. Of course I would still savor every moment, but infertility has just pushed everything to a stronger awareness of it all.
And for that, I am thankful. So very thankful.
Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
Annnnnnd....She's Already 12 Weeks!
I made the mistake of blinking and now I have a 12 week old!
Once you finally have your own baby you finally really get it when people say how fast it goes. It's crazy. Her head changed shaped before we even moved into the post-partum room. Her cry changed before we even left the hospital. I felt like I never had a delicate newborn since she came out so big and strong. She's had head control from day one. She rolled over on day 9. She's been standing and sometimes even balancing on her legs for several weeks. She's just a few ounces away from 14lbs. And she's already out growing 3 month clothes. Slow down baby, mommy can't handle you changing and growing so fast! It's possible her newborn clothes are still piled up in her crib since I just can't bear to pack them away yet. She outgrew them by four weeks! I also may have squished her into newborn size sleepers for far too long. The night I finally tried a 3 month sleeper it fit way too well!
Post-partum Recovery
Oh god. Why doesn't anyone tell you just how awful this is??? The doctor tells you the stitches dissolve in two weeks. Lies!! Down there was so painful and sore and just plain miserable for many weeks. I think I used dermaplast and tucks pads for three weeks. Then at four weeks those damn stitches started working their way out. I pushed my post-partum check-up out to almost 9 weeks because there was no way I wanted anyone near that area. I finally weaned off stool softeners a couple of weeks ago but I'm still keeping my fiber intake up. And what's with the squishy belly that won't fit in your old pants and isn't solid enough to hold up maternity pants. Thank goodness for yoga pants. Lots and lots of yoga pants - capri, shorts, pants - I have them all! At my check-up appointment I of course was offered birth control and I declined. Yes, I know there's a tiny chance in hell I'll get pregnant naturally and I would welcome it if it happened. My doctor did IVF and then less than a year after she had her twins she had another baby, so yes, it does happen. Since getting pregnant and having our daughter I've had so many people ask if we would be able to get pregnant on our own now. I've had to do a lot of educating on how pregnancy does not "cure" infertility. But I'm happy to do my part to spread awareness. I've also run into so many more people suffering from infertility and I have two people that are at the beginning stages and have come to me often with questions. Talking with them brings back the memories of when we started this journey and even though I don't need the reminders, it does help me cherish our daughter that much more.
Breastfeeding
Oy. My poor nipples. Little miss was a champion feeder from the get-go. Her gusto with feeding led to cracked and bleeding nipples within six hours of her being born. I swear she had little retractable vampire teeth! She did awesome in the hospital. After the initial feeding frenzy she settled into every three hour feeds. And then my milk took five freaking days to come in... Yea. When you give birth to an eight plus pound baby they're hungry. All. The. Time. We actually ended up giving her some formula through a little tube taped to my boob on day four because she was constantly crying in hunger. Once my milk finally did come in, it came in too well. I ended up with over active letdown and an over supply. Nothing like hearing and watching your poor little baby choke and gasp while she drowns in milk. We were saturating a burp rag and both of us at every feeding. Little miss ended up with colic and explosive all day long poop which of course led to a nasty rash that took many weeks to resolve. I ended up having to only feed off one side for long stretches of time - up to 12 hours at one point. The other side was left to get painfully engorged, but it paid off and after a few weeks my supply settled down. Even now I pump maybe once a week so I can take longer to run errands without her with and even that's enough to ramp up my boobs. But she's old enough now that she can deal with it better. When the over active let down was at its worst her way of coping was to clamp down on my nipple as hard as she could and shake her head back and forth. This lead to a sizeable crater in the middle of my left nipple. Thank goodness for nipple shields! It's the only way I was able to continue feeding off that side and luckily once it healed she weaned off the nipple shield rather quickly. Nursing now at 12 weeks is a piece of cake. I'm so glad I stuck with it even though I wanted to give up so many times in the first month.
Little Miss
Our beautiful little girl has stolen our hearts forever. She can be feisty like her mommy and loves naps like her daddy. It's amazing how one day you have this little person that's here to stay forever. She's strong and she's healthy and has become more happy than not. She had a few bumps in the road with feeding issues and colic. She also had two very miserable weeks after the rotavirus vaccine, but she's finally over that. She loves messing with her daddy - she likes to make huge poop messes for him. She can be a momma's girl - especially when she had those rough two weeks, but she's starting to really like her daddy too. I think what helped their bond was all the skin to skin they did after bath each night for the first month. We'd give her a little sponge bath and then dressed only in her diaper she would take a long nap on her daddy's chest. She also ended up taking a lot of naps on her daddy's chest throughout the day - I think this was daddy's way of getting lots of extra naps, too!
Number Two? Maybe?
I hate that we can't just enjoy our sweet baby without already thinking about number two. I turn 35 in a couple of months so I think we may lean towards sooner rather than later, but I'm not sure when would be the best time for us. If we decide to try and have the second one due around the time she turns two that means in less than a year we would be gearing up for FETs. And that seems way too soon. But if we wait another year I'll be 37 when baby is born, provided it doesn't take as long. Part of me is always secretly hoping I'll end up in the small percentage of those who get pregnant naturally after IVF. One can only hope!
For now I'm just going to enjoy and soak up all the snuggles I can. Because all too soon she will be grown and out on her own.
Once you finally have your own baby you finally really get it when people say how fast it goes. It's crazy. Her head changed shaped before we even moved into the post-partum room. Her cry changed before we even left the hospital. I felt like I never had a delicate newborn since she came out so big and strong. She's had head control from day one. She rolled over on day 9. She's been standing and sometimes even balancing on her legs for several weeks. She's just a few ounces away from 14lbs. And she's already out growing 3 month clothes. Slow down baby, mommy can't handle you changing and growing so fast! It's possible her newborn clothes are still piled up in her crib since I just can't bear to pack them away yet. She outgrew them by four weeks! I also may have squished her into newborn size sleepers for far too long. The night I finally tried a 3 month sleeper it fit way too well!
Post-partum Recovery
Oh god. Why doesn't anyone tell you just how awful this is??? The doctor tells you the stitches dissolve in two weeks. Lies!! Down there was so painful and sore and just plain miserable for many weeks. I think I used dermaplast and tucks pads for three weeks. Then at four weeks those damn stitches started working their way out. I pushed my post-partum check-up out to almost 9 weeks because there was no way I wanted anyone near that area. I finally weaned off stool softeners a couple of weeks ago but I'm still keeping my fiber intake up. And what's with the squishy belly that won't fit in your old pants and isn't solid enough to hold up maternity pants. Thank goodness for yoga pants. Lots and lots of yoga pants - capri, shorts, pants - I have them all! At my check-up appointment I of course was offered birth control and I declined. Yes, I know there's a tiny chance in hell I'll get pregnant naturally and I would welcome it if it happened. My doctor did IVF and then less than a year after she had her twins she had another baby, so yes, it does happen. Since getting pregnant and having our daughter I've had so many people ask if we would be able to get pregnant on our own now. I've had to do a lot of educating on how pregnancy does not "cure" infertility. But I'm happy to do my part to spread awareness. I've also run into so many more people suffering from infertility and I have two people that are at the beginning stages and have come to me often with questions. Talking with them brings back the memories of when we started this journey and even though I don't need the reminders, it does help me cherish our daughter that much more.
Breastfeeding
Oy. My poor nipples. Little miss was a champion feeder from the get-go. Her gusto with feeding led to cracked and bleeding nipples within six hours of her being born. I swear she had little retractable vampire teeth! She did awesome in the hospital. After the initial feeding frenzy she settled into every three hour feeds. And then my milk took five freaking days to come in... Yea. When you give birth to an eight plus pound baby they're hungry. All. The. Time. We actually ended up giving her some formula through a little tube taped to my boob on day four because she was constantly crying in hunger. Once my milk finally did come in, it came in too well. I ended up with over active letdown and an over supply. Nothing like hearing and watching your poor little baby choke and gasp while she drowns in milk. We were saturating a burp rag and both of us at every feeding. Little miss ended up with colic and explosive all day long poop which of course led to a nasty rash that took many weeks to resolve. I ended up having to only feed off one side for long stretches of time - up to 12 hours at one point. The other side was left to get painfully engorged, but it paid off and after a few weeks my supply settled down. Even now I pump maybe once a week so I can take longer to run errands without her with and even that's enough to ramp up my boobs. But she's old enough now that she can deal with it better. When the over active let down was at its worst her way of coping was to clamp down on my nipple as hard as she could and shake her head back and forth. This lead to a sizeable crater in the middle of my left nipple. Thank goodness for nipple shields! It's the only way I was able to continue feeding off that side and luckily once it healed she weaned off the nipple shield rather quickly. Nursing now at 12 weeks is a piece of cake. I'm so glad I stuck with it even though I wanted to give up so many times in the first month.
Little Miss
Our beautiful little girl has stolen our hearts forever. She can be feisty like her mommy and loves naps like her daddy. It's amazing how one day you have this little person that's here to stay forever. She's strong and she's healthy and has become more happy than not. She had a few bumps in the road with feeding issues and colic. She also had two very miserable weeks after the rotavirus vaccine, but she's finally over that. She loves messing with her daddy - she likes to make huge poop messes for him. She can be a momma's girl - especially when she had those rough two weeks, but she's starting to really like her daddy too. I think what helped their bond was all the skin to skin they did after bath each night for the first month. We'd give her a little sponge bath and then dressed only in her diaper she would take a long nap on her daddy's chest. She also ended up taking a lot of naps on her daddy's chest throughout the day - I think this was daddy's way of getting lots of extra naps, too!
Number Two? Maybe?
I hate that we can't just enjoy our sweet baby without already thinking about number two. I turn 35 in a couple of months so I think we may lean towards sooner rather than later, but I'm not sure when would be the best time for us. If we decide to try and have the second one due around the time she turns two that means in less than a year we would be gearing up for FETs. And that seems way too soon. But if we wait another year I'll be 37 when baby is born, provided it doesn't take as long. Part of me is always secretly hoping I'll end up in the small percentage of those who get pregnant naturally after IVF. One can only hope!
For now I'm just going to enjoy and soak up all the snuggles I can. Because all too soon she will be grown and out on her own.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Little One's Birth Story
I'm a firm believer that if you've suffered from infertility you should automatically get an easy labor and delivery. Nature proved to me that I am delusional!
Turns out Thursday night was my early labor. I didn't get much sleep at all that night and was up the next morning for a memorial service for a family member. It was just a very small service and I had agreed earlier in the week to have everyone over to our home afterwards for dinner. After five hours of contractions Thursday night, they tapered off considerably. During the day on Friday I had the occasional strong contraction, but was able to hide it from family - I may have just taken extra trips to the bathroom, but when you're hugely pregnant no one seems to notice! Our plan all along has been to not tell family when I went into labor. We wanted to have those first several hours with baby all to ourselves.
The last family member left our house about 7:30pm. I was exhausted so after picking up around the house I headed for bed at 8:30. At 9:00pm strong and painful contractions hit full force. There was no easing into things! I was moaning and sometimes screeching through the contractions. Most of them were in the 5-7 minutes long range with only about a 2-3 minute break in between. My husband called our doula and she could hear me moaning in the background. She told him I sounded like I was in active labor and to call labor and delivery to give them a heads up. By midnight I couldn't take it at home anymore. I had tried drinking lots of fluids and a warm bath. My coping skills were running out as the contractions had only increased in intensity. When my husband called labor and delivery they said I could come in and be monitored, but with contractions lasting for so long they didn't think it was active labor. Once we made the decision to head in to the hospital my husband seemed to panic a bit. He was rather frustrated when I decided I needed to put makeup on before heading to the hospital. This ended up taking a lot longer than normal since I had only 2 minute breaks from contractions to try and put my make up on. The trip to the hospital is only 10 minutes from our house, but seemed so much longer. I had some very painful contractions in the car and it was so uncomfortable not being able to move around.
We had to go through the emergency room since it was after hours. I was wheeled up to labor and delivery where our doula met us. My nurse came in the room and said she would do a cervix check and put me on the monitors for a bit to see how things were progressing. She checked my cervix and it basically hadn't changed from my OB appt earlier in the week. I was dilated to one and about 70% effaced. She said she would monitor me for a couple of hours and if I didn't progress they would send me home. I flat out told her I wasn't leaving. Contractions continued to get more miserable and intense. My doula told me I was getting to the point where I looked like I was in transitional labor. And still, my darn cervix refused to budge. I finally thought to mention I had cervical stenosis. I had been meaning to tell my OB about, but kept forgetting at each appointment. The nurse kind of freaked out on me and said she didn't find that anywhere in my chart. The decision was made to try a shot of morphine to see if it would relax my body enough to let my cervix dilate more. I burned through the morphine with my next contraction. My doula then suggested maybe we needed to do an epidural and then do manual dilation. The doctor on call agreed this was a good idea. I had planned on not having an epidural but after 7 1/2 hours of painful labor and no progress I welcomed the sweet relief. I get it now why people go with epidurals. At 4:30 am the epidural was placed and 20 minutes later the nurse started doing a manual dilation. She said she had to break through some scar tissue and was then able to get my cervix to open to about 4 1/2cm. I was then allowed to rest for awhile to see what my body would do on its own.
The epidural of course slowed my labor. The doctor came in around 8:00 and broke my water. Then pitocin was started to get my contractions going in a more steady pattern. The doctor's guess was that I would be ready to start pushing around noon. Well, my body had other ideas of course. It took longer than expected to get my contractions strong enough and for my cervix to finish dilating. A little after 2:00pm the nurse told me it was time to get ready to meet my daughter and to start pushing. This was the moment when it truly hit me I was finally having a baby after all our years of infertility. I just started bawling. I started pushing at 2:25pm. Two hours into pushing and the epidural was no longer doing anything for me. I have never been in so much pain. The last hour of pushing I remember screaming several times that I didn't want to do this anymore. Baby got hung up on my pubic bone for awhile. At one point they brought in a mirror so I could see my progress, but who were we kidding, I could see I wasn't making any progress and eventually told them to get rid of the mirror. Eventually the doctor came in with the delivery team and said it was time for me to have this baby. My husband is a physician and so he was allowed to help deliver our daughter. Near the end of pushing baby's head got stuck in the opening. The doctor asked me probably four or five times if she could do a small episiotomy since baby seemed to be stuck. I finally gave in and after a few more pushes baby finally came out at 5:56pm after 3 hours and 31 minutes of pushing. I ended up with a second degree tear in addition to the episiotomy.
The doctor delivered baby's head and shoulders and my husband took over and helped deliver the rest of baby. We had planned on doing delayed cord clamping, but baby came out blue and not moving. She was placed on my stomach and the doctor said, I'm sorry, we can't wait to cut her cord. My husband then cut her cord and she immediately started screaming. The nurses were poised to take her over to the warmer and the doctor said absolutely not, leave her on mom. I pulled baby up on my chest and we stayed like that for the next hour. Despite her initial appearance her apgars were 9 and 9. Throughout my entire labor and delivery baby always looked perfect on the monitor. It was only during the last five minutes of pushing that her heart rate started to dip a little bit during contractions. That's the only reason they allowed me to push for so long. Most of the doctors will lean towards doing a c-section if mom has been pushing for two hours. My doula works in the labor and delivery department where we delivered and she said she personally has never seen a patient push as long as me.
While I was snuggling baby the doctor was delivering my placenta and then sewing me up. I happened to notice there seemed to be a rather large amount of bloody rags piling up and I could tell my doctor was looking concerned. I knew my history of endometriosis and IVF pregnancy are at a little bit of increased risk for post-partum hemorrhaging. I asked if everything was okay and the doctor told me she needed to reach into my uterus to remove some blood clots. Then she was mashing down on my uterus. I asked if I was going to end up in the OR and she said I shouldn't need to. By that point baby was starting to nurse and my uterus decided to start cooperating and the doctor then focused on stitching me up. I didn't ask how many stitches and I don't really want to know. When she was nearing the end of the stitches she hit an area where the lidocaine didn't take. She kept injecting more lidocaine, but every time she tried stitching again I could feel everything. So the past several stitches were very painful. We hung out in labor and delivery for a couple of hours and used that time to snuggle our daughter and to start notifying family.
My next post will be about post delivery and baby's first several days.
Turns out Thursday night was my early labor. I didn't get much sleep at all that night and was up the next morning for a memorial service for a family member. It was just a very small service and I had agreed earlier in the week to have everyone over to our home afterwards for dinner. After five hours of contractions Thursday night, they tapered off considerably. During the day on Friday I had the occasional strong contraction, but was able to hide it from family - I may have just taken extra trips to the bathroom, but when you're hugely pregnant no one seems to notice! Our plan all along has been to not tell family when I went into labor. We wanted to have those first several hours with baby all to ourselves.
The last family member left our house about 7:30pm. I was exhausted so after picking up around the house I headed for bed at 8:30. At 9:00pm strong and painful contractions hit full force. There was no easing into things! I was moaning and sometimes screeching through the contractions. Most of them were in the 5-7 minutes long range with only about a 2-3 minute break in between. My husband called our doula and she could hear me moaning in the background. She told him I sounded like I was in active labor and to call labor and delivery to give them a heads up. By midnight I couldn't take it at home anymore. I had tried drinking lots of fluids and a warm bath. My coping skills were running out as the contractions had only increased in intensity. When my husband called labor and delivery they said I could come in and be monitored, but with contractions lasting for so long they didn't think it was active labor. Once we made the decision to head in to the hospital my husband seemed to panic a bit. He was rather frustrated when I decided I needed to put makeup on before heading to the hospital. This ended up taking a lot longer than normal since I had only 2 minute breaks from contractions to try and put my make up on. The trip to the hospital is only 10 minutes from our house, but seemed so much longer. I had some very painful contractions in the car and it was so uncomfortable not being able to move around.
We had to go through the emergency room since it was after hours. I was wheeled up to labor and delivery where our doula met us. My nurse came in the room and said she would do a cervix check and put me on the monitors for a bit to see how things were progressing. She checked my cervix and it basically hadn't changed from my OB appt earlier in the week. I was dilated to one and about 70% effaced. She said she would monitor me for a couple of hours and if I didn't progress they would send me home. I flat out told her I wasn't leaving. Contractions continued to get more miserable and intense. My doula told me I was getting to the point where I looked like I was in transitional labor. And still, my darn cervix refused to budge. I finally thought to mention I had cervical stenosis. I had been meaning to tell my OB about, but kept forgetting at each appointment. The nurse kind of freaked out on me and said she didn't find that anywhere in my chart. The decision was made to try a shot of morphine to see if it would relax my body enough to let my cervix dilate more. I burned through the morphine with my next contraction. My doula then suggested maybe we needed to do an epidural and then do manual dilation. The doctor on call agreed this was a good idea. I had planned on not having an epidural but after 7 1/2 hours of painful labor and no progress I welcomed the sweet relief. I get it now why people go with epidurals. At 4:30 am the epidural was placed and 20 minutes later the nurse started doing a manual dilation. She said she had to break through some scar tissue and was then able to get my cervix to open to about 4 1/2cm. I was then allowed to rest for awhile to see what my body would do on its own.
The epidural of course slowed my labor. The doctor came in around 8:00 and broke my water. Then pitocin was started to get my contractions going in a more steady pattern. The doctor's guess was that I would be ready to start pushing around noon. Well, my body had other ideas of course. It took longer than expected to get my contractions strong enough and for my cervix to finish dilating. A little after 2:00pm the nurse told me it was time to get ready to meet my daughter and to start pushing. This was the moment when it truly hit me I was finally having a baby after all our years of infertility. I just started bawling. I started pushing at 2:25pm. Two hours into pushing and the epidural was no longer doing anything for me. I have never been in so much pain. The last hour of pushing I remember screaming several times that I didn't want to do this anymore. Baby got hung up on my pubic bone for awhile. At one point they brought in a mirror so I could see my progress, but who were we kidding, I could see I wasn't making any progress and eventually told them to get rid of the mirror. Eventually the doctor came in with the delivery team and said it was time for me to have this baby. My husband is a physician and so he was allowed to help deliver our daughter. Near the end of pushing baby's head got stuck in the opening. The doctor asked me probably four or five times if she could do a small episiotomy since baby seemed to be stuck. I finally gave in and after a few more pushes baby finally came out at 5:56pm after 3 hours and 31 minutes of pushing. I ended up with a second degree tear in addition to the episiotomy.
The doctor delivered baby's head and shoulders and my husband took over and helped deliver the rest of baby. We had planned on doing delayed cord clamping, but baby came out blue and not moving. She was placed on my stomach and the doctor said, I'm sorry, we can't wait to cut her cord. My husband then cut her cord and she immediately started screaming. The nurses were poised to take her over to the warmer and the doctor said absolutely not, leave her on mom. I pulled baby up on my chest and we stayed like that for the next hour. Despite her initial appearance her apgars were 9 and 9. Throughout my entire labor and delivery baby always looked perfect on the monitor. It was only during the last five minutes of pushing that her heart rate started to dip a little bit during contractions. That's the only reason they allowed me to push for so long. Most of the doctors will lean towards doing a c-section if mom has been pushing for two hours. My doula works in the labor and delivery department where we delivered and she said she personally has never seen a patient push as long as me.
While I was snuggling baby the doctor was delivering my placenta and then sewing me up. I happened to notice there seemed to be a rather large amount of bloody rags piling up and I could tell my doctor was looking concerned. I knew my history of endometriosis and IVF pregnancy are at a little bit of increased risk for post-partum hemorrhaging. I asked if everything was okay and the doctor told me she needed to reach into my uterus to remove some blood clots. Then she was mashing down on my uterus. I asked if I was going to end up in the OR and she said I shouldn't need to. By that point baby was starting to nurse and my uterus decided to start cooperating and the doctor then focused on stitching me up. I didn't ask how many stitches and I don't really want to know. When she was nearing the end of the stitches she hit an area where the lidocaine didn't take. She kept injecting more lidocaine, but every time she tried stitching again I could feel everything. So the past several stitches were very painful. We hung out in labor and delivery for a couple of hours and used that time to snuggle our daughter and to start notifying family.
My next post will be about post delivery and baby's first several days.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
She's Here and She's Perfect!
Baby Girl arrived four days ago at 39 weeks 1 day. She's perfect! We're so in love. Birth story coming soon since I do want to remember the details. A very quick recap. I labored for 21 hours and pushed for 3 1/2. Baby was a rockstar throughout, but mommy kept hitting roadblocks and we only did 5/16 things on our pretty basic birth plan. But she's here and she's healthy and that's all that matters.
Friday, June 12, 2015
39 Weeks and Early Labor???
Last night I started having very painful contractions every 5-10 minutes. I was moaning, huffing and puffing and even screeching at times. Finally after two hours I gave up sleeping and started cleaning instead. The contractions continued but I just kept working through them. Around 3am I started losing my mucus plug. Then about 5am the contractions tapered off and I slept for a couple of hours. Throughout the day I've continued to have bouts of painful contractions but nothing regular. I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Hopefully baby makes an appearance this weekend because these random bouts of painful contractions are getting brutal.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Any Day Would Be Good...
I just realized I never updated from my last post. The results came back and I do not have cholestasis, thank goodness! I still have the itchiness at night, but now I just ignore it the best I can.
I've had a few episodes of stronger contractions but after 4-5 of them they fizzle out to nothing. My last OB appt I was finally dilated to one and more effaced than the previous appt, but my doctor didn't say by how much. I'm starting acupuncture soon so hopefully that will get things moving.
My husband is off for five weeks starting Monday so it would be awesome if she would make her debut next week, but I just have this feeling she's quite comfy in there.
I haven't had any stretch marks pop up yet, which I'm grateful for. Although, if I do get any, they'd be worth it! I am all belly. Everyone says I look like I have a giant basketball under my shirt. This better mean I lose all the baby weight quickly, right?!
Baby's room is finished and the rest of the house is good enough. We have a freezer stocked full of meals. Now we just need baby!
I've had a few episodes of stronger contractions but after 4-5 of them they fizzle out to nothing. My last OB appt I was finally dilated to one and more effaced than the previous appt, but my doctor didn't say by how much. I'm starting acupuncture soon so hopefully that will get things moving.
My husband is off for five weeks starting Monday so it would be awesome if she would make her debut next week, but I just have this feeling she's quite comfy in there.
I haven't had any stretch marks pop up yet, which I'm grateful for. Although, if I do get any, they'd be worth it! I am all belly. Everyone says I look like I have a giant basketball under my shirt. This better mean I lose all the baby weight quickly, right?!
Baby's room is finished and the rest of the house is good enough. We have a freezer stocked full of meals. Now we just need baby!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
When a 15 Minute Appointment Turns into 2 1/2 Hours...
I was supposed to have a routine checkup today. I mentioned during my appointment in the past week or so I've had some intense itching on my legs, feet, arms, and hands when I go to bed at night. Apparently it's a possible sign of cholestasis, a liver problem that can occur in pregnancy. I've stayed away from pregnancy books and google for most of my pregnancy - instead relying on my doctor, doula, and close friends when I had questions. So when my doctor told me to stay off of google, I knew this could potentially be bad. I ended up having blood work drawn and an ultrasound.
I don't have the results on the main blood test yet. Apparently it's a send-out lab and it will be a few to several days before we get the result. The other labs tested at my clinic today all came back good. My doctor told me when she is suspicious of this and tests for it, usually the patient tests positive for it about 50% of the time. If I do test positive I'll have to be induced at 37 weeks - so next Friday. Apparently the biggest issue with cholestasis is baby being stillborn so as soon as you hit 37 weeks it's best to get baby out. I also had a bio physical ultrasound done today and of course baby measured perfectly on everything! She was being her cute little self. One hand was curled up by her cheek and the other was holding on to her foot! And she's getting some adorable chubby cheeks. The ultrasound tech even checked to see if she had a head of hair - looks like just some fuzz! My cervix was checked today as well and it's closed, but starting to soften up.
For now baby is doing awesome and I just need to patiently wait for results and go from there.
I don't have the results on the main blood test yet. Apparently it's a send-out lab and it will be a few to several days before we get the result. The other labs tested at my clinic today all came back good. My doctor told me when she is suspicious of this and tests for it, usually the patient tests positive for it about 50% of the time. If I do test positive I'll have to be induced at 37 weeks - so next Friday. Apparently the biggest issue with cholestasis is baby being stillborn so as soon as you hit 37 weeks it's best to get baby out. I also had a bio physical ultrasound done today and of course baby measured perfectly on everything! She was being her cute little self. One hand was curled up by her cheek and the other was holding on to her foot! And she's getting some adorable chubby cheeks. The ultrasound tech even checked to see if she had a head of hair - looks like just some fuzz! My cervix was checked today as well and it's closed, but starting to soften up.
For now baby is doing awesome and I just need to patiently wait for results and go from there.
Monday, April 20, 2015
60 Days to Go...But Who's Counting?!
I can't believe we're in the final stretch! We finally started on her nursery a couple weeks ago. My husband painted it all and I've been shopping for the finishing touches. We have a crib set up. In our house. For our baby. I'm guessing this will all sink in sometime around her first birthday! Baby Girl continues to do well. She's getting so strong in there! Even when she nails me in the ribs or hip I'll congratulate her on how hard she kicked me. I'll definitely miss her moving around in there!
We were out of town over the weekend for my husband's work. I strongly recommend against traveling long distances this late in pregnancy. I was so uncomfortable and sleeping in a hotel bed just isn't the same as being at home. I also noticed airplanes and airports are not designed for pregnant women. I felt I took it pretty easy over the weekend, but I had some really icky stretches of braxton hicks. One day I was having 10+ in an hour. Another day they got really intense over a few hours and were lasting several minutes. I actually started to get stressed out that night. There was no way I wanted to end up in a hospital several states away from home. Luckily our hotel room had a giant bath tub that was deep enough to completely cover my belly - it was awesome! I think in the three nights were were there I took about five baths! I feel like my belly popped out a bit and dropped a little over the past week.
Two more months before this little one is in my arms!
We were out of town over the weekend for my husband's work. I strongly recommend against traveling long distances this late in pregnancy. I was so uncomfortable and sleeping in a hotel bed just isn't the same as being at home. I also noticed airplanes and airports are not designed for pregnant women. I felt I took it pretty easy over the weekend, but I had some really icky stretches of braxton hicks. One day I was having 10+ in an hour. Another day they got really intense over a few hours and were lasting several minutes. I actually started to get stressed out that night. There was no way I wanted to end up in a hospital several states away from home. Luckily our hotel room had a giant bath tub that was deep enough to completely cover my belly - it was awesome! I think in the three nights were were there I took about five baths! I feel like my belly popped out a bit and dropped a little over the past week.
Two more months before this little one is in my arms!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Third Trimester Fun
Second trimester I felt so darn good I figured I'd breeze through the third trimester as well. Not so much. Last week I had the glucose screening test. I failed the one hour by 2 points. Two freaking points. The next day I went back to do the fasting three hour test. My body was not happy about that. I started feeling very nauseous soon after drinking the twice as sweet juice. I had to stand and pace back and forth a little to keep from throwing up. The second blood draw did not go well. There are way too many bad phlebotomists at my clinic and it doesn't help when my veins are already beat up from years of infertility treatments. A good 15-20 minutes after the second blood draw I felt like I was getting light headed. I told my husband I wanted to go out to the car so I could at least lay back. Halfway down the hallway I had to sit down or I would have passed out. That got me a room to finally lie down in for the rest of the test. I also called my doctor's nurse and ask if I failed the first two blood draws if I could skip the last two or if I passed the first three if I could skip the last one. I passed the first three with flying colors and left as soon as the result came back. The kicker is I found out my doctor uses the lowest cutoff for the one hour test so if I had one of the other doctors I would have passed the one hour according to them. I spent the rest of the day napping and taking it easy. I really don't want to ever go through that again. I felt worse than when I had morning sickness.
Reflux is another battle I'm losing against. It's been going on for a good month or more now and it's really ramped up the past couple of weeks. I have vomit come up the back of my throat at least 3-4 times a day. Now that baby is getting bigger and stronger her kicks are really adding to the fun. The past couple of days I've also been feeling very queasy - to the point it's interfering with my day. I really don't like taking medication, but I may give in to my doctor's recommendation and try some prilosec.
Baby decided to mess with me on Saturday. She has a fairly consistent pattern of activity throughout the day and has maintained the same schedule for a good month. Her most active time has always been in the range of 5am-7am. Saturday morning she didn't move at all during that time. Once I noticed she hadn't been moving I started doing what I could to make her. I ate breakfast, drank some ice water and moved around, let the cat sit on my belly, and all I got from her were a few random and very soft bumps. Nothing like her normal activity. I finally called labor and delivery and they suggested I drink something with sugar and try laying down. Since we don't have juice or soda in the house my husband had to make a quick run. Sure enough, little stinker went to town after I downed some sprite. Guess we just have a little sugar addict growing in there!
The nursery is finally coming together. I feel rushed being only 10 weeks from baby's due date. I put off ordering furniture until about a month ago. My husband is almost finished painting her room and after we let it air out for a few days we'll start moving all her stuff in there.
It doesn't matter how big my belly gets, how much she moves around, or how many baby items take over our house, this still doesn't seem real to me!
Reflux is another battle I'm losing against. It's been going on for a good month or more now and it's really ramped up the past couple of weeks. I have vomit come up the back of my throat at least 3-4 times a day. Now that baby is getting bigger and stronger her kicks are really adding to the fun. The past couple of days I've also been feeling very queasy - to the point it's interfering with my day. I really don't like taking medication, but I may give in to my doctor's recommendation and try some prilosec.
Baby decided to mess with me on Saturday. She has a fairly consistent pattern of activity throughout the day and has maintained the same schedule for a good month. Her most active time has always been in the range of 5am-7am. Saturday morning she didn't move at all during that time. Once I noticed she hadn't been moving I started doing what I could to make her. I ate breakfast, drank some ice water and moved around, let the cat sit on my belly, and all I got from her were a few random and very soft bumps. Nothing like her normal activity. I finally called labor and delivery and they suggested I drink something with sugar and try laying down. Since we don't have juice or soda in the house my husband had to make a quick run. Sure enough, little stinker went to town after I downed some sprite. Guess we just have a little sugar addict growing in there!
The nursery is finally coming together. I feel rushed being only 10 weeks from baby's due date. I put off ordering furniture until about a month ago. My husband is almost finished painting her room and after we let it air out for a few days we'll start moving all her stuff in there.
It doesn't matter how big my belly gets, how much she moves around, or how many baby items take over our house, this still doesn't seem real to me!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
One Year Later
A year ago was the absolute worst day of my life. Losing our baby by ectopic was completely devastating. The only thing positive to come from our sorrow was the hope I may be able to get pregnant again. And here we are a year later...six months pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. The past month has been a struggle as we passed each of the milestones from our pregnancy last year. The first beta...second beta...first ultrasound...first hearing it may be ectopic...and now today. I can't help but think we should have a four and a half month old. But then I look at where our life is right now and things have actually worked out really well. Losing our baby has made us treasure this one even more. I haven't taken this pregnancy for granted. Everytime I feel her kick I stop what I'm doing to acknowledge her. I still look at my growing belly in complete awe. Only three months to go before we meet our sweet baby and I know her little angel sibling will always be watching over her.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Perfect
We had our 20 week ultrasound last week.
Baby Girl measured perfectly! It still doesn't seem real most days, even with all of her kicking and my growing belly. I'm trying to trust in this pregnancy more and more. It certainly helps to hear she's doing perfectly every time we go in for an appointment. A little over 18 weeks to go!
My first baby shower is in a little over a month. I've been trying to put together a registry and it's painfully slow going. During my years of infertility I tried to figure out why I was infertile and why there is so much more of it these days. There's not one specific thing, but a likely culprit is all the chemicals we're exposed to everyday. I have been trying to find low chemical options for baby gear. It's darn near impossible unless you can afford to spend an insane amount of money. We've decided to at least try to get the best we can for the things she will spend the most time in - such as her crib, crib mattress, crib sheets, car seat, and a few other smaller things. It at least makes me feel like I'm doing something. So much to do and so little time to get it all done. She's going to be here before I know it!
Baby Girl measured perfectly! It still doesn't seem real most days, even with all of her kicking and my growing belly. I'm trying to trust in this pregnancy more and more. It certainly helps to hear she's doing perfectly every time we go in for an appointment. A little over 18 weeks to go!
My first baby shower is in a little over a month. I've been trying to put together a registry and it's painfully slow going. During my years of infertility I tried to figure out why I was infertile and why there is so much more of it these days. There's not one specific thing, but a likely culprit is all the chemicals we're exposed to everyday. I have been trying to find low chemical options for baby gear. It's darn near impossible unless you can afford to spend an insane amount of money. We've decided to at least try to get the best we can for the things she will spend the most time in - such as her crib, crib mattress, crib sheets, car seat, and a few other smaller things. It at least makes me feel like I'm doing something. So much to do and so little time to get it all done. She's going to be here before I know it!
Friday, February 6, 2015
Cold - Day 21 and Counting...
I am so over this darn cold.
Last weekend I finally felt a little better on Sunday. Even went to the neighbors to watch some of the Super Bowl. I got home and was tired so I started getting ready for bed. About 10pm I started having chills. I took my temp and it was under 98. I took a quick warm shower and put some warm jammies on and crawled into bed. It went downhill from there. And quickly. Body aches returned and the chills turned into uncontrollable shivering. I was having Braxton hicks whenever I had a coughing fit and on top of the body aches the pain was getting unbearable. About 1am I took my temp again and it had spiked to over 102. I of course freaked out and called my husband who was working the night shift at the hospital. He went down to the ER and asked the ER doc's opinion. The consensus was I should really come in with a temp that high and not being able to take Tylenol. My husband was having a busy night so it was over an hour before he was able to come pick me up. While I was waiting I did everything I could to lower my temp - I stripped naked and drank ice water and used cold compresses. By the time I finally got to the ER my temp had dropped two degrees so thankfully it didn't stay high for very long. The first thing they checked was baby's heartbeat and it was 163, so despite my misery, she was doing well. They checked for a bladder infection which I thankfully didn't have, but it did show I was a little dehydrated so they gave me two liters of fluid. After the first bag of fluids I started throwing up. Baby must have had enough at that point because she was kicking pretty good - certainly didn't help with the vomiting! So they gave me zofran too and after all of that I started to feel a little better. I asked if there was anything I could take for pain and there wasn't. At least the fluids helped a bit. The ER doc also put me on antibiotics. Since my cold had gotten better and then worse it was highly possible I had picked up a bacteria infection along the way. Finally got home a bit after 7am and spent most of the day sleeping. I took my last dose of antibiotics today and I am finally feeling better. I'm still coughing, but not nearly as hard and much less frequent. Still a bit tired, but I suppose that's to be expected.
Last weekend I finally felt a little better on Sunday. Even went to the neighbors to watch some of the Super Bowl. I got home and was tired so I started getting ready for bed. About 10pm I started having chills. I took my temp and it was under 98. I took a quick warm shower and put some warm jammies on and crawled into bed. It went downhill from there. And quickly. Body aches returned and the chills turned into uncontrollable shivering. I was having Braxton hicks whenever I had a coughing fit and on top of the body aches the pain was getting unbearable. About 1am I took my temp again and it had spiked to over 102. I of course freaked out and called my husband who was working the night shift at the hospital. He went down to the ER and asked the ER doc's opinion. The consensus was I should really come in with a temp that high and not being able to take Tylenol. My husband was having a busy night so it was over an hour before he was able to come pick me up. While I was waiting I did everything I could to lower my temp - I stripped naked and drank ice water and used cold compresses. By the time I finally got to the ER my temp had dropped two degrees so thankfully it didn't stay high for very long. The first thing they checked was baby's heartbeat and it was 163, so despite my misery, she was doing well. They checked for a bladder infection which I thankfully didn't have, but it did show I was a little dehydrated so they gave me two liters of fluid. After the first bag of fluids I started throwing up. Baby must have had enough at that point because she was kicking pretty good - certainly didn't help with the vomiting! So they gave me zofran too and after all of that I started to feel a little better. I asked if there was anything I could take for pain and there wasn't. At least the fluids helped a bit. The ER doc also put me on antibiotics. Since my cold had gotten better and then worse it was highly possible I had picked up a bacteria infection along the way. Finally got home a bit after 7am and spent most of the day sleeping. I took my last dose of antibiotics today and I am finally feeling better. I'm still coughing, but not nearly as hard and much less frequent. Still a bit tired, but I suppose that's to be expected.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
The Never-Ending Cold
We are officially halfway through this pregnancy!
Although, my joy has been squashed by a nasty cold virus. I'm on day 15 of feeling like crap. It started with a sore throat and turned into a yucky cold with all the congestion, drainage, and coughing. I did my best to use approved cold meds as little as possible. About 10 days after the start of my cold I was finally feeling a little better. For about two days. Then I started coughing and wheezing - likely bronchitis. Then today I started having full body aches, fatigue, and running a low grade fever in the upper 99s. I started crying in the shower today because I don't remember the last time I felt so miserable. I would take morning sickness over this. I'm having a hard time coping with the physical pain. I have a significant Tylenol allergy (of all things!) so I don't have anything available for the pain. During my sore throat and cold I would take warm showers, but now with the low fever I can't really do that. I was desperate earlier today and used my heating pad on my neck on the lowest setting for a few minutes. Everything hurts. Even the cold toilet seat hurts so I've just been hovering or covering it with toilet paper. Thankfully baby girl seems to be doing well. She is still kicking and flipping around in there as much as normal. I suppose one positive is she's getting the antibodies from this cold. I called my OB yesterday and was told to watch for a fever closer to 101 and chills. I just really hope I turn a corner soon. Colds suck.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Baby Kicks
I had to document tonight. I went to bed a little bit ago. My husband was still up working in his office. I started to really feel baby move. I thought I was also feeling it a bit from the outside, but wasn't sure. I called him in to the room and he put his hand on my belly. Baby girl went nuts kicking against his hand and he was able to feel it!!! I'm blown away how early in my pregnancy we were able to feel this. I'm 16weeks2days. The first bloops I ever felt were at 14weeks1day. Then it was over a week before I felt another bloop. I had a really obvious bloop this afternoon. And then nothing until I came to bed. I can't believe how quickly I went from hardly anything to both of us being able to feel her. Just an amazing feeling!! And my husband is already being the over protective daddy. When he decided he had enough he told me to leave 'his' baby alone - that we had pestered her enough for the day. 😊 Love love LOVE this stage of pregnancy!!
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Infertility Wounds Run Deep
Two years ago I was incredibly lucky to meet and become friends with an amazing woman who battled infertility herself. She's now in her 50's with three adult children. She went through about ten years of infertility on and off. We've had many conversations over time and one that has always stuck with me is when she said the wounds of infertility run deep and they're permanent. Over time the wounds scab over, but they'll always be there. Sometimes this can be a blessing - if you do end up with children you never forget how wanted they are. And other times it can be a burden - happy moments are interrupted by a fleeting thought that reminds you there are no guarantees in life.
Today I finally started taking down all the Christmas decorations. It was bitter sweet. For the first time in years I felt we had a reason to really be happy over the holidays. Goodness knows our baby girl is already getting spoiled - she received many ornaments for Christmas and we also picked up a few expecting ones as well. As I was packing them away, the dark thought crossed my mind -what if something happens and we still don't have a baby next year and I have to then come across all these ornaments. I had to stop and tell myself to stop thinking like that. I had to remind myself we have a 99% chance of bringing home our beautiful baby girl in less than six months.
I'm at a strange spot in my pregnancy. Morning sickness (knock on wood) is pretty much gone. My belly continues to grow - my husband has finally called it a belly. I've even felt baby a couple of times - just a few tiny little bloops. Even with all of these signs, my mind seems to be struggling with the fact we have a baby coming. And soon. It still seems so crazy to me after all these years and all our losses, this is really happening. I find myself looking at my belly and shaking my head in disbelief that I'm actually looking at MY belly for once.
Today I finally started taking down all the Christmas decorations. It was bitter sweet. For the first time in years I felt we had a reason to really be happy over the holidays. Goodness knows our baby girl is already getting spoiled - she received many ornaments for Christmas and we also picked up a few expecting ones as well. As I was packing them away, the dark thought crossed my mind -what if something happens and we still don't have a baby next year and I have to then come across all these ornaments. I had to stop and tell myself to stop thinking like that. I had to remind myself we have a 99% chance of bringing home our beautiful baby girl in less than six months.
I'm at a strange spot in my pregnancy. Morning sickness (knock on wood) is pretty much gone. My belly continues to grow - my husband has finally called it a belly. I've even felt baby a couple of times - just a few tiny little bloops. Even with all of these signs, my mind seems to be struggling with the fact we have a baby coming. And soon. It still seems so crazy to me after all these years and all our losses, this is really happening. I find myself looking at my belly and shaking my head in disbelief that I'm actually looking at MY belly for once.
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