Santa's an Asshole

He brought me something red ON Christmas Day. Prick. I was hoping for a miracle baby like I do every month. We are still trying naturally as we wait to figure out how to finance several more rounds of IVF. Earlier this month we even went on a tropical vacation and relaxed (for a friend’s wedding). I quit my stressful job of working with small children the day before we left (stupid to take that job to begin with, I know) and had just signed on to a new job making a lot more and working less hours. It was the least stressed I have been in over a year.

Next time I ever hear someone use the phrase ‘just relax and go on vacation’ I will not refrain myself from slapping them silly.

Next step is an appointment with an RE in our new city here. I’m not expecting a whole lot since their clinic has only been up and running for a few years. They’re the only local one and they give employees a discount. So it’s worth visiting. At the very least I need scrips for more pain meds as I’m running out.

We do not have any fertility insurance coverage here and that really sucks. Even the insurance we have for covered services sucks. I keep telling myself we have less than two years left here, but by then, it may be too late for us.

Menopause does not wait while we’re making plans. It’s so frustrating that in two years we can afford treatments, but by then my ovaries may have shut down completely. Provided my endo doesn’t destroy them before I run out of eggs. I’m actually a little worried about what endo has been doing to my insides. It’s getting worse. Much worse. But I absolutely refuse to do surgery again, so time for me to just suck it up.

I’ve spent countless hours researching different places. It’s so frustrating because each place tells you something different. Except of course that with my high FSH I need to be doing something NOW. They all can agree on that. Only, again, lack of money is preventing us from trying. I’ve even looked in to scholarships and discount programs. But of course with high FSH I do not qualify for most of them. Even in the infertile world I feel discriminated against.

My biggest debate right now is whether to do full out max dose meds or to try mini IVF where I just stim with clomid. My reason against the heavy protocol is just that, it’s heavy. And expensive. And painful. And only resulted in three eggs and one embryo. On the mini end of it, my body liked clomid. 3-5 follicles each time. I’m just so torn; I don’t know what to do. And I’ve talked to doctors on both sides of the fence. I just want to store up as my embryos as I can since I know we don’t have much time left. I just don’t know the quickest route to achieve that.

Outside of all the infertility crap I’ve been doing better. Happier than I’ve been in a while even. I’ve been making friends and getting out and about in our new city. It feels like home here. I feel settled and comfortable. Now if only we could make our little family a little bit bigger….

TTC Naturally After IVF

Out: Max dosing of fertility drugs

In: Usual daily vitamins, baby aspirin, DHEA

Out: Needles

In: 90 minute massages

Out: Sitting on my butt at home (didn’t want to risk upsetting implantation)

In: 40-50 min of cardio and 30-40 min of weights Every. Day.

Out: Eating a ‘fertility friendly’ diet and pigging out after BFNs

In: More fruits and veggies, no soda, a little desert most nights

Out: Eating out at restaurants

In: Learning to cook

Out: Charting my temps, cm, ovulation, etc.

In: Only noting the first day of my period

Out: Feeling like a crazy hormonal person

In: Feeling more level headed and calm

Out: Social recluse

In: Making new friends and exploring our new city

Out: Dealing with family drama

In: Trying to stay far away from it all (the extra 400 miles certainly helps!)

Out: Boycotting facebook entirely while TTC

In: Adding many new friends and not hiding pregnant friends

Out: Fighting with Hubby about the timing of sex

In: Trying to reclaim a more normal sex life

Out: Lots of acne

In: Clearer skin, but still a few pimples

Out: Analyzing every little symptom or lack thereof

In: Still working on ignoring the signs

Out: Abstaining from alcohol

In: Enjoying a drink or two or sometimes even three without guilt

Out: Most days feeling sad about not having a baby

In: Occasional sad days, but getting fewer and farther between

Out: Worried about early menopause before having funds to try again

In: Yep, still worried about that one. A lot. Stupid ovaries.

Out: Not getting enough sleep

In: Allowing myself to use melatonin to help reset my sleeping pattern

Out: Crazy work schedule

In: Not working (hopefully will have something lined up by September)

Out: Working opposite shift from my Husband

In: Seeing my Husband every night and the days he’s not on call

Out: Dodging questions about us having a baby

In: Still dodging from family and old friends, trying honesty with new friends

Out: Stressing out about infertility

In: Trying to forget it most of the time…still working on this one

Out: Endo pain

In: Worsening endo pain (fertility drugs are NOT endo friendly)

Out: We only have a 2% chance of getting pregnant naturally

In: Fuck the 2%

Transitioning to TTC naturally after IVF is a difficult journey. You go from having everything carefully regulated and every little symptom diligently tracked to absolutely nothing. Who are we kidding, even the receptionist knows more about our period than we do. Then suddenly you run out of options for awhile or maybe even forever and find yourself in a very strange place. Suddenly no one cares if you have your period and if it’s the full flow or spotting. There are no appointments to attend, no more things shoved up your vag and no more instructions to wait for. You’re now a very seasoned infertile, but you’re back to doing things old school. It’s like going back to the beginning, only not. Because you’ve lost the innocence you once had. You know way too much now. You know the odds and everything you’re working against. And yet, you’re still willing to give it a try, because what else are you going to do?

And let’s be honest, you will forever be wondering and hoping, what if?

It Wasn't Supposed To Be....

We made our big move a few weeks ago. It’s been quite the transition.

My Husband had exactly three days off from his last day there to his starting date here. Obviously that doesn’t leave a lot of time to move. The whole process was actually a lot smoother than I thought it would be. We had a couple awesome friends of ours that helped us move by loading up there, driving one of our cars, and helping unload here.

I haven’t yet been able to land a teaching job and likely won’t be able to in this community. I will substitute teach, but I still have almost two months off before I’ll start. This leaves the unpacking mostly to me. I’m so tired of looking at cardboard boxes I could scream. There are a few rooms I have pretty much put together as I want them. The two bathrooms, the kitchen, and the balcony are done. We have a rather large balcony and so we purchased a little patio set and plants and it has become my little retreat when I need a break.

We still have our bedroom, the living room and the second bedroom. Our bedroom isn’t done because we still plan on painting. The living room won’t be done for another week as our furniture hasn’t arrived yet. We decided when we moved that it would the perfect time to sell our old furniture and buy new ‘adult’ stuff since we were tired of looking like we still lived in a college dorm. The set we picked was of stock so they had to build it new. That’s awesome, except for waiting for it to arrive. Hello, camping chairs! The second bedroom will be our office. I have a huge mental block to putting that room together.

It was supposed to be our nursery.

Had our one little embryo hung in there, I would be decorating the room for our future child. I hate going in our office. Every time I do, I keep picturing a crib and changing table. It makes me so incredibly sad. I’m hoping time will ease the pain. We were so busy preparing for our move after our second failed IVF I never took the time to really grieve our loss. I didn’t even cry when we found out. The grief really hit about a week after we moved. I spent several days in tears and not wanting to get out of bed. I’ve had some good days since, but it’s still hard. Still sad. Still not what I pictured for our life.

So many of the girls I follow have finally received their hard earned BFPs. I am so happy, but just can’t comment as I have no idea what to say. I still follow everyone, just more as an observer.

Hoping one day it will finally be MY turn.

  

You Know You Have Endo When...

Your Doctor asks YOU what pain meds and their doses to prescribe rather than making their own suggestions.

You can go from perfectly cheerful to being curled in a ball sobbing in pain in 1.2 seconds.

Your medicine cabinet requires TWO boxes when you move.

You know more about your disease than your gynecologist.

Your Husband tries to comfort you by rubbing your back and when you say, ‘DON’T TOUCH ME’ he knows to get up and leave the room before you rip his arm off.

You hear someone without endo complaining about cramps and you just want to shake them silly while yelling at them they have no freaking idea what they’re complaining about.

Your BFF’s are pain meds and a heating pad.

You’ve spent weeks of your life researching potential cures for your disease, trying any and all diets, exercise, hormones, etc. and finding at the end of the day most if it is all a bunch of crap.

You hate taking pills but the alternative is much worse so you choke them down and hope they kick in soon.

You celebrate good days by doing everything you can because you know it’s only a matter of time…..

You finish sex with tears in your eyes and your Husband thinks he was just that good, but it’s really because it hurt that much.

You become bitter and resentful that endo has taken away your ability to have children.

You write a blog post for the first time in a month and it sounds a lot like complaining, but you just don’t care because it’s one of those days.

Kick My Uterus Some More

It didn't take long for my period to show up post IVF this time.

At least I didn't work yesterday or I would have had no choice but to call in sick.

I soaked through five tampons in six hours.

Enough said.

Thank goodness for my BFFs oxycontin, valium, and prescription ibuprofen.

Today I felt somewhat better, but still pretty crappy.

Tonight we had an awards dinner for my Husband's work.

We got there a little early and found a place to sit.

Soon enough our table filled up.

And of course a 9 months pregnant lady ended up sitting right next to me.

And rubbed her belly through most of the evening.

And one of Hubby's coworkers dumped his week old baby in my arms.

Pretty sure if anyone asked when we would have kids, I would have lost it.

I'm so hurt and lost right now.

Still reading blogs but not commenting.

I don't know what do do with myself since we're benched for at least 2 years.

Just so much sadness in our life.

And we move in less than a month.

    

 

Goodbye, Petri

4 weeks NOT pregnant.

Maybe, Maybe Not

3 weeks 5 days pregnant? (9dp3dt)

Results are in.

Beta is 2.

The lab at my clinic considers <1 not pregnant.
A 2 falls into the gray area of not positive, but not negative.

WTF?

I prepared myself today to see two different results. Positive or Negative.

But not inconclusive.

I had my results emailed. Usually they call pregnancy tests, but I prefer to take things in on my own. That way if I need to cry or yell I can do so without someone other than my Husband hearing.

I called the clinic to discuss what I should think of all this.

The nurse said it could go either way. What's important is what Friday will show.

They recently had one girl start with a 1 and she kept moving up.

My progesterone is also low.

But that is likely due to using suppositories instead of the PIO. It doesn't get into your blood stream as much. To be on the safe side I'm going from two a day to three a day.

I have 4 scenarios running through my mind.

1. It's ectopic.
2. It's a good pregnancy, but Petri took a long time to settle in.
3. It's a chemical pregnancy.
4. It's not a pregnancy, just the HCG shot lingering.

I'm dreading Friday's lab more than I did today's lab.



   

I Never Thought Cramps Would be Exciting!

3 weeks 3 days pregnant! (7dp3dt)

Last night I experienced several instances of cramping.

Mostly just a dull pressure that was definitely in my uterus.

Although, I do have to stay somewhat reasonable, it could be from many things: my endo, the fact that my bowels finally started working properly (stupid progesterone), or hopefully, it was Petri.

I hope I hope I hope it was Petri snuggling in!

Progesterone sides effects are not the most fun I've ever had. Warning - TMI!

I was fortunate to have the option of doing suppositories or PIO. I figured since I wouldn't be allowed to have sex, I might as well shove things in my vagina instead of sticking a large needle in my ass every night.

I think I chose wisely. Having to wear a pantyliner is so not a big deal and there really isn't much that comes out anyways. Although I do wonder where all that stuff goes.....the pamphlet said something about globules......yea.......the grossest part is having to insert the estrace tablet since those don't come with applicators.....I'll spare you the rest........but really, if I had to choose again, it would be suppositories, they're really easy to deal with.

Thanks to the progesterone I'm also sleep deprived.

Friday night I slept less than 2 hours. I was so exhausted by the time I was done with work on Saturday I fell asleep on the couch while Hubby was making supper. He woke me up to eat and I just started bawling. He asked what was wrong and in between sobs I hiccuped out "I'm too tired to eat!" Needless to say, I went to bed really early that night and slept solidly for a good 2 1/2 hours......then was wide awake! After laying there for 3 hours I desperately caved in and took a benadryl.... it worked, but I felt horribly guilty until I had my Hubby check to see if benadryl is safe. It's category B so it's all good.

The lovely acne is still hanging around. It recruited some friends and is starting to invade my boobs. I'm so tempted to pop all the little pimples. Yes, I am a pimple popper. There's something so satisfying about squeezing the disgusting crap out of zits and pimples. (Don't worry, I have received the lecture from my dermatologist. Twice.) I must confess, today I allowed myself to pop some of the larger ones. I wouldn't care so much, but summer is just around the corner and chest acne is not conducive to wearing tank tops or swimsuits.

Fortunately for my Husband I don't think I've been any more cranky on the progesterone than any of the other drugs. I think my mood is pretty good for the most part. Still staying positive and enjoying each day I have.

First beta is Wednesday. Not really sure why my clinic does them so early (9dp3dt). They check beta and progesterone levels. They told me the first one could be negative. Way to freak out an infertile. I really thought I would be POAS by now, but I don't have any in the house and haven't really had the urge to buy one. Maybe I just want to continue basking in my blissful ignorance a while longer. Even if I tested Wednesday, that could be early for a home test.

We'll see what happens.

Was That A Twinge?!

3 weeks 1 day pregnant! (5dp3dt)

Petri should be implanting today!

I was working this morning and had three separate twinges.

They were all in the center or just to the right side of my uterus.

I can discount it as being endo related since those issues are always on the left.

Just a quick sharp little tug each time.

Oh, Petri, we really hope you're working as hard at implanting as we did at getting you here.

We'd love to meet you in 9 months!

Stay strong little one!


 On a side note......

I woke up this morning with the craziest rash/acne thing going on all over my chest and halfway up my neck. They're little red spots and if you look really close, most have tiny little whiteheads. I also have red acne looking spots on my upper back. Doesn't itch, just looks kinda gross. What is that all about? My initial reaction was allergic reaction, but Hubby things it's just an acne breakout from all the drugs. Anyone else ever get this? And here I was thinking the other day my skin is the clearest it's been since starting all these crazy fertility drugs....


   

3 Weeks

I'm 3 weeks pregnant today! (4dp3dt)

How fun to think of things that way!

Petri should be finding some prime real estate in my uterus today to put down roots.

I am still feeling very positive and wanting to just appreciate every single moment I have with Petri.

I know the odds and the reality, but instead of stressing I have made up my mind to be happy and to enjoy each day. Not to mention, I love playing the 'pregnancy' card with my Husband. Cat litter box needs cleaning? Better not! My back is sore, can you rub it for me? Petri wanted pizza for supper, and I had no choice but to agree! Laundry needs to be done? Sorry, but Petri says we need to take a nap instead!

Like I said, Loving. Every. Single. Moment.

My Husband has definitely noticed my improved mood. For so long I've been so stressed and down. But eventually, a person just can't do that anymore. I hope regardless of any outcome, I can keep this more positive attitude. Because I had no idea I even had it in me to be this happy in the midst of infertility.

Settle in little Petri!


  

Transfer

3dp3dt

Petri should be hatching today!

I’m still so happy and loving every moment!

My transfer was more stressful to me than the retrieval.

I fretted all weekend about only having one fertilized egg.

I woke up Monday morning at 4am. This was after going to bed at 2am.

I was freaking out that we would get a phone call any minute telling us Petri didn’t make it.

At least, I hoped my clinic would call instead of making us drive all the way over there.

Because that would have been really cruel.

I made my Husband call the clinic an hour before we were to leave to verify my instructions. Because my uterus and cervix like to be difficult it was decided long before our first IVF that I would require anesthesia for retrieval AND transfer. Dr. RE wanted my uterus to be as relaxed as possible. Remembering how painful and horrible my IUI’s were, I eagerly agreed to this plan.

Since the clinic only does this once or twice a year, they don’t have a nice little protocol sheet typed up for patients like me. So I got the basic sheet with the full bladder instructions on it. I didn’t think to ask on Friday if I was supposed to still fill my bladder or not. Logically, I figured no, since I was supposed to be NPO for anesthesia, but wanted to be sure. I also thought it would a perfect excuse to ask if everything was still a go for the transfer.

Husband ended up speaking with the office manager that is a complete IDIOT. She told him that yes; of course I needed to drink water. Ummm….okay. Then when he was asking if our embryo made it through the weekend, he got cut off. He called the clinic back and this time IDIOT office manager said, don’t let her drink water, she’s supposed to be NPO. They’ll fill her bladder during the procedure.

We arrived at the clinic at 11am. The two front office ladies were asking me if I was excited for today. I told them I was worried if our one embryo even made it through the weekend, and one of them said, it must have because they would have for sure called that morning. I felt a little better after that. We were then taken back to a conference room to meet with Dr. RE. Again, I started freaking out thinking something was wrong. But it’s protocol for them to go over your embryo report and have you sign it.

Out of our three eggs, only one made it. One egg was multi-nucleated (spelling?) and the other had many occlusions. I asked if that meant that I produced bad eggs. I was told no. That these types of findings are very normal and usually around a third of eggs retrieved have something wrong with them. The one egg that fertilized was absolutely perfect and produced a perfect embryo with no fragmentation. Dr. RE said they can’t make a better embryo than we produced. He said if my eggs were bad, there is no way we could end up with a perfect embryo. <huge sigh of relief>

For once in all of this, we finally got some really good news!

I was taken back to get ready for the OR and Hubby was sent back to the waiting room. Because of them doing anesthesia again, Hubby was not allowed in the surgical suite so neither of us was able to see the actual transfer take place.

They had the picture of Petri and took it out to Hubby in the waiting room while I was back there, so he got to see it before I did. He thought that was pretty cool to get the picture while he was waiting.

Next thing I remember is waking up in recovery in excruciating pain. I had tears pouring down my cheeks and was squirming all over the place. I think what likely happened is they filled my bladder very full (I normally don’t let it get very full because of my endo) and that stretched out and really irritated my endo. And they gave me two liters of fluid during the procedure, so my bladder was filling up again while sitting in recovery, adding to my pain. I don’t remember a whole lot else, but I do remember seeing Dr. RE come back into the recovery room. He probably couldn’t believe how much pain I was in. He gave Hubby a script for some valium which I thankfully took as soon as I got home and had a six hour nap.

I tried to listen to my circle and bloom for transfer day several times, but with the valium on board, I kept falling asleep five minutes into it. The goal was to relax the uterus and I guess if I was completely passed out, then it was doing its job!

Three days later and I’m still sore, but feeling much better.

Retrieval

I want to thank all of you sweet ladies for taking time to leave such positive and encouraging comments. They really do help when going through this. I don't know what I would do without the added support of the infertility community. It helps so much to know there are many other people out there that know exactly how I feel. Thank you all for being so amazing. I have kept up reading your stories on my phone, but haven't felt up to sitting at a computer to type comments. I'm hoping to feel up to commenting again soon.

My 48 hours of bedrest is officially over, but I'm still taking it easy for one more day.

I can honestly say I'm very happy and calm. My Husband is amazed by my good mood. My belief is even if the next week is all I get with Petri, I am going to relish Every. Single. Moment. 

I'll divide up my retrieval/transfer into two posts to not make things too long.

My retrieval was last Friday. I went in with high hopes they would be able to retrieve eggs from all six follicles.

As we know, that was not meant to be.

They took me back first and my Husband was left in the waiting room.

I was taken back to a room to change into a gown and slippers. I was in the middle of changing when the Nurse Practitioner came in to do my preop assessment. Nothing like starting things off by showing off my bare butt! Then anesthesia came in and did their thing. Then it was time to go back.

Anesthesia walked me back to the OR suite and got me hooked up to everything. I still had my glasses on when we got back there, so of course I ended up seeing the MASSIVE needle they were going to use for the aspiration. Thankfully I was put under soon after that.

Next thing I know, I woke up in recovery sitting in a recliner with my Husband by my side. My favorite nurse was there and she was very attentive and sweet. I had a decent amount of pain, but after about 20 minutes the pain meds they gave me in the OR finally kicked in. After my recovery period, we were free to go. We were sent out to the waiting room while the nurse went to check to see how many eggs were retrieved.

Immediately when the nurse came out to the waiting room I knew something was wrong. She had that look in her eyes people get when they're about to tell you something bad. She squatted down in front of me and put her hand on my knee and as gently as possible told me only three eggs were retrieved. I think I repeated the number out loud a few times before starting to cry.

Here is why I love this nurse. She told me: "Listen to me. Three is not the end of the world. We have seen many cases like this where all three eggs fertilize. Don't give up, there is still hope and there are three of them. For all we know they are perfect eggs. You need to have hope. We'll make sure someone calls you tomorrow. Hang in there, those three eggs need you to believe in them." She then gave me the biggest hug ever.

I spent the rest of the day at home crying and feeling sad. And of course googling the crap out of low number of eggs retrieved.

Saturday morning one of the Drs. from the clinic called. I made my Husband answer the phone because I knew I would lose it if they told me none of them made it. One did make it and we were told to still plan on transfer on Monday.

The rest of the weekend was the longest two days of my life. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I made my Husband drive me by the clinic to visit my embryo (Twice Friday and once each Saturday and Sunday). It may have been crazy, but I needed to feel like I was doing something.





   

Meet Petri

Petri Came Home With Us!

Yes, I gave my embryo the unimaginative name of Petri.

We drove past the clinic to visit Petri several times this weekend.

I couldn't help myself, I felt it was the only thing I could do.

It paid off. We received the best news possible.

Petri grew big and strong.

Petri is already an overachiever.

Petri is a textbook perfect embryo.

The perfect shape.

The perfect size.

The perfect number of cells.

I will do everything I can to help Petri snuggle in tight for the next nine months.

I will post Petri's picture later.

And tell you the story of how my transfer was more painful than the retrieval.

But for now, Petri and I are laying low. Watching mindless TV and reading.

Betas are the 25th and 27th.

One.

One egg fertilized.

Transfer Monday.

Please grow big and strong little one.

We need you.

We Love You.



  

Three.

Out of six follicles, they only retrieved three eggs.

I have no idea if any of them are mature.

They will do ICSI on all of them.

I should get a report tomorrow. Hopefully. They don't have any transfers tomorrow so likely the only staff there is the lab staff. I won't get a call if one of the Dr.s isn't there.

Please let these eggs be perfect.

Please let them fertilize and grow.

Praying. Praying. Praying.


   

Trigger Tonight!

We have 6 1/2 follicles!

There was a late starter in the game, but I don't think he'll make it in time for retrieval.

E2 is 1859 and Progesterone is 1.1

Lining is 9mm. I asked if that was on the low end since they said 7mm was low, so now I'm being started on Estrace tablets everynight. Does this seem reasonable? I don't want the lining to get too thick, but I want it to be enough.

Trigger is tonight with retrieval set for Friday.

Hubby needs to call the in-laws. They're coming tomorrow and want to bring Hubby's nephew and have us babysit on Friday, but that's obviously not going to happen!

I'm really excited and scared shitless, all at the same time.

Anyone else feel that way?

I know the odds and the reality, but I want this to work sooooo badly.

Please Oh Please Oh Please Oh Please let me get pregnant!



  

Pharmacy Idiots

I want to thank each of you that took the time to drop by and give me advice! I knew you would be so very helpful! Thank You!!

I've decided to wait and see how my Wednesday appointment goes and then I will call my acupuncturist and see if she would be able to work me in on transfer day. If not, I'm not going to stress about it.

As for work, if everything keeps moving forward as planned I think I might tell my manager. I have a hard time trusting people at work because of all the gossip. And my manager has told me things about employees she doesn't want me to tell anyone, so what does that say about her integrity?

As for the in-laws coming? Hoping they're out of our place Friday morning before the retrieval and then I'll play it by ear. I'm hoping I'm in pretty decent shape since it's not like I have a ton of follicles. Although, if they're digging around in there it could very well end up irritating the crap out of my endo.

Thanks again ladies!!

On to the pharmacy drama.

I am really starting to hate my pharmacy.

There's very few things I truly hate, so that's saying something.

We have yet to be able to pick up any meds related to my fertility treatments (or any other meds for that matter) when there isn't some sort of issue. Either they forget to fill part of it, or they don't have the drug in stock, or they tell us it will be in the next day and it takes a week. Not to mention whenever we pick up the large batches of drugs they can't seem to find them. They keep the larger orders on another shelf. This usually takes the tech at least 15 minutes to figure out, when  I can see it from where I'm standing. And yes, I preface it by saying it should be a large batch of meds.

At Monday's appointment it was decided I would stay on my current dosage for at least three more days. I called the pharmacy on my way home from my appointment. I spoke with an actual pharmacist and asked them to refill my prescription for 2 boxes of Bravelle and 1 box of Menopur. They punched it into the computer and said it would be ready for pick up later that day.

My Husband stopped by that evening to pick up my meds. They said he would have to pay in full because I wasn't due for a refill until the 14th and 17th for each of the drugs. Say what?!! The pharmacist said they could possibly do an override, but it would have to wait for morning. I still had enough left for that night, so my Husband left.

The pharmacist called this morning and said they couldn't fill it because I wasn't due for a refill. I told them to figure things out because I was out of drugs and needed some for tonight. Their current information said I was only on one vial of each. What?? I have never been on that low of a dose. I told them I was currently taking four vials of each every night and have been since last Monday. They said they would contact the clinic and get the prescription changed and then fill my order.

My Husband stopped by this afternoon to pick up the meds and they gave him FOUR boxes of each!! For whatever reason he didn't think to question things when he knew he was supposed to pick up a total of THREE boxes not EIGHT! I told him to go back to the pharmacy and have them fix things.

Cue bashing my head against a wall.......

I should have gone to the pharmacy myself, but my Husband works at the hospital where the pharmacy is located so we thought we were being efficient and saving time.......

I know in the grand scheme of things, this probably isn't that big of a deal, however I'm getting hormonal on these high doses of meds and everything is starting to irritate me. A lot.

Do not mess with a woman high on hormones.

You. Will. Not. Win!


 

Need Your Advice and E2 Result

You ladies always have the best advice.

I have three issues bugging me and wanted second opinions.

First issue. Should I do acupuncture or not?

I did a few sessions of acupuncture last cycle and I didn't feel any benefit from it. I didn't feel more relaxed and it obviously didn't help that cycle. But I feel guilty for not scheduling it for the day of transfer. I have found conflicting information. Yes, there are studies that say acupuncture on transfer day can increase the rate of implantation. Other information I found states the benefit isn't as much if you have to travel elsewhere to receive services. They say it has something to do with all the extra moving around going from one clinic to another, etc. I would have to go from the clinic to another clinic then back home after transfer. I'm so torn. Have you done acupuncture? What was the result of your cycle?

Second issue: I took this week off of work for IVF. No one at work knows I'm doing IVF. My follicles took their sweet time growing and so my transfer won't be until at least Monday when I'm supposed to be back for a four day stretch. Dr. RE says mandatory 48hr bedrest after transfer. I don't know if I should just call in Monday morning and say I'm out with a stomach bug for two days since a lot of that has been going around work, or if I should call my manager and tell her what's really going on. I work in a hospital so if your story is at all a little sketchy, people start asking questions. Add in the fact that in six years at my job and I can count on one hand the number of times I've ever called in sick. Yes, I know I've given my notice and will be done working there in six weeks, but still.

Third issue: My in-laws are staying with us Thursday night because they have an event to attend on Friday morning. My retrieval is supposed to be Friday. They have no idea we've even been trying and I most certainly don't want to clue them in at a time like this! Friday night they're staying with us again and want to go out to eat with me, Husband and my parents. What did you feel like after retrieval? Do I have to feign being sick or having an endo flare to get out of things? I'm also thinking my MIL will want to do some shopping on Saturday. Not good timing! What should I do??

Too many decisions. Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!

My E2 was 1082! Woot woot! I'm hoping this means all six follicles have good eggs in them!



   

We Have 6!

I couldn't believe the ultrasound this morning.

SIX follicles are growing.

They are all 14-16mm in size.

There are still several smaller ones hanging out, but I'm guessing at this point they're not going to catch up, but then again, I never thought we'd add another one. There's always hope!

I start Ganirelix tonight.

How fun. Three injections each night now.

My lining is a bit thin at 7mm, but that was up from 3mm on Friday.

They'll keep an eye on it, and if need be, add in some estrogen suppositories later, but for now they want to wait and see what my body does on its own.

A Friday retrieval is tentatively planned, with transfer on Monday.

Praying my six beautiful follicles contain six perfect eggs.

Grow follicles, GROW! Plump up lining, PLUMP!



 

There's Still Hope!

My heart was heavy going into my ultrasound this morning.

I had only been having the occasional small twinge on my left side and just a tiny bit on my right side. I really didn’t expect much, maybe one follicle on my left, at best.

Thankfully my Husband was able to go with me.

I was more than a little shocked to see follicles growing.

Follicles. As in more than one.

FIVE follicles to be exact! (cue happy dance!)

There are several smaller ones as well.

I was so overwhelmed seeing the follicles I had tears in my eyes.

None are over 10mm yet. The five bigger ones are all around the same size. My E2 is 183 which is appropriate for the number and size of my follicles. Dr. RE said it seems everyone is taking a little longer to get going on this round of IVF.

We’re moving forward. We’re closer to having a baby than ever before.

I know we have many hurdles left to go.

But today, I will celebrate!

The plan is to stay with the 600 ius and go in for another ultrasound and blood draw on Monday.

Grow my five little follicles, GROW!!! And tell your smaller siblings to catch up!

  

E2 Results and Moving Forward

After three days of stims my E2 was only 25. WTF?!!!

It didn't even double from my baseline appointment and it's much worse than last cycle.

I haven' t been canceled. Yet.

Only problem being there's not a whole lot more to do. I was already on 450 ius and now I'm getting bumped up to 600 ius. After our last cylce Dr. RE agreed to move forward even if we only had a few follicles. At this rate, I may not have any.

I was somewhat expecting a bad result, especially since my ovaries aren't bothering me.

But seeing my crappy E2 still hurt. A lot.

I spent a good two hours crying off and on. I just feel so hopeless right now. I feel as if there isn't anywhere to go from here. As far as IVF goes, we're benched for two years. And I don't know if that's even going to be something we pursue. I do know that even if we did IVF again, it wouldn't be at the same clinic. They're too small to cater to patients that are poor responders.

I don't understand my failure at IVF. On just the 50mg dose of Clomid I produced 3-5 follicles each cycle.

I think we'll try to do IUI in June. It may be taking a step backwards, but it gives us slightly better odds than trying on our own and we still have insurance money left to use. That's the frustrating part. If we stayed in our jobs here we would still have enough for almost two more tries at IVF. But that is most definitely not an option.

Stupid companies that don't cover infertility treatments.

We're just really sad and frustrated. We'll proceed with what's left of this cycle. I have an ultrasound and another E2 level on Thursday. Hoping for the best, but expecting the harsh reality.

Thanks everyone for the support. It always means so much to me, but more so during times like this.



  

My E2 is 25 Fuck. Me.

E2 Monday

I'm freaking out about my morning labwork.

My canceled cycle was hinted at by a low E2 level on the first lab draw. Last time it was 75 after three days of stims.

I have been praying all weekend my level is higher this time. I haven't noticed my ovaries much today. I'm hoping that's because it's still early. I'm probably a little crazy, but I wish my ovaries were hurting so I knew something was growing in there!

The meds must be doing something. I've been having fairly frequent hot flashes and I've started having night sweats. It's so sexy. This morning my Husband came home after working a night shift and crawled into bed. He proceeded to snuggle up next to me.

Me: I'm really hot.

Husband: I know you are, rawr! (...lots of groping...)

Me: No, not THAT kind. I'm hot. Like, sweating through my jammies hot.

Husband: That's gross, so much for that idea!

The things we will go through to have a baby....!



  

Here We Grow!

Friday was my baseline appointment.

Bob the ultrasound tech scared me a bit. He was doing the ultrasound and all of a sudden said he needed to switch to an exterior view. Of course panic settled in as I thought something might be horribly wrong. I asked if he found something that will delay my treatment. He said he was having a hard time getting a good visual of my right ovary.He said ovaries move around more than we think and that everything looked just fine.

I didn't ask what my antral follicle count was. Although I will admit I cheated a bit. I watched the ultrasound and counted about 7 of them on my left ovary if I was seeing things correctly. And since we didn't get a good visual on the right ovary I don't know what's happening on that side.

I asked Dr. RE how many follicles they would expect me to produce and the response was 6-20 with the added comment that even 3 would be good. Ummm...that's a rather strange answer?! The Dr. I saw today is not my main one and I really don't really like her. 

Injections went well the last two nights. The first night it burned like crazy. My husband did that one. I did the second one myself and it wasn't as bad as the first. Maybe the problem is him and not the medicine! : )

It feels like something is already growing in there. I've had a little bit of discomfort on my left and a couple twinges on my right. Any changes in my ovaries and my body feels it as the ovaries rub up against my endo.

My lab draw was awesome on Friday. I was a bit worried since the last three times have been awful. I drank a bunch of water the night before and drank some more when I woke up the morning of. The tech got it on the first try. The girl in the next curtain wasn't having as good of a day. By the sounds of it they were on poke four and moving on to her hand next. Poor thing.

I am hoping my body is responding well to the drugs and Monday's lab will bring good news.

Grow little follicles, GROW!!



 

Great Timing

I don’t think my clinic bothered looking at the dates when they scheduled IVF for this month. I will admit, I didn’t think much of it either until a couple weeks ago when I ran into a Mother’s day display in a store.

If this cycle works the way it's supposed to, I will be two weeks pregnant on Mother’s day. Only, I won’t know for sure until a couple weeks later.

Great timing people.

I explained the whole timing thing to my Husband and his reply was “that is so cruel, how could they not figure that one out?!”

Something has changed with me the last couple of days. I’m actually getting excited for this cycle. I feel very positive things may work out this time. I have my baseline appointment tomorrow morning and then stims would start tomorrow night.

My goal is for three good embryos. My antral follicle counts are borderline low and with my elevated FSH I’m not going to delude myself into thinking I will get a large number of eggs. My clinic normally doesn’t tell you the antral follicle count. I’m tempted to ask them this time, but wonder if it may be better for my sanity to just not know.

And if we end up with two follicles like last time, I’m going to push them for retrieval anyway. I’m not letting another cycle go to waste. We have insurance coverage now and we’ll lose it when we move so it’s this cycle or bust. We’d be benched for at least two years.

So I am going to be ridiculously positive and happy for the next several weeks whether I like it or not. No more doubts or feelings of doom. It’s all rainbows and butterflies from here on out!

   

My Boobs Exploded!

Stupid birth control.

Here I thought I was getting off nice and easy this time around.

Nope.

I went from a B to C in 2.4 days.

Ummm, can we say OUCH?!

My Husband is overjoyed with the recent developments. He thinks I grew them just for him to play with. I’ve taken to beating him with a stick if he even thinks of looking at them.

Seriously boobs, WTF??

Thankfully, Monday was the last day of BCP. Stims start Friday. I can’t believe we’re already at this point again!

My mood since our failed cycle has not been pleasant, but I think I finally turned a corner. I’m getting a little excited and hopeful. I want so desperately for this cycle to work.

I’ve been debating doing acupuncture again. I did a few sessions last cycle. The acupuncture didn’t seem to do much for me. I didn’t feel any different afterwards and during it I found the needles to be annoying. I had such high hopes for it since so many people feel really relaxed. I think I may just get a massage instead. I will still likely do acupuncture the day of transfer since studies show a benefit, but before then? I probably won’t be doing it.

It’s also time to dust off my C & B meditations from my ipod. The meditations definitely helped me to relax for the last cycle. At least until the Lupron started messing with my sleep. I’m so happy to not be on Lupron for this cycle.

On a side note, I must thank Marilyn who was so sweet to nominate me for an award. I’ll include it in a post later this week.

Hoping and praying IVF #2 is everything the last cycle wasn’t.

  

Ganirelix Update

I Love Walgreen's Specialty Pharmacy.

Walgreen's was the first place I called when I figured out my clinic and pharmacy were going to be less than helpful. It took less than a minute to speak with an actual person and the first thing I asked was if they have Ganirelix in stock. And of course they do! They then proceeded to ask who my Doctor was and if I wanted them to contact the clinic for the prescription. Yes, please! The prescription is filled, insurance is filed and it will be shipping later today. My drug will arrive early next week.

I love it when things work out!

 

 

I'm So Not Excited

The end of next week will be the start of stims for IVF #2.

I should be hopeful and excited.

I’m not.

I have a feeling of impending doom. I think having my first cycle canceled scarred me deeply. I don’t have faith this next cycle will work. I’m fearful of even going in for my baseline appointment.

Thankfully our upcoming move has provided a really nice distraction the past couple of weeks. I have even had days at a time without really thinking about infertility. Unfortunately, I was abruptly returned to realty when my Husband picked up the medications for the next round. Seeing the large pile of meds has really bothered me.

I haven’t cried since my cycle was canceled, but last night, the tears came. I spent a good five minutes sobbing on my Husband’s shoulder. He has finally learned to not say much and just hold me. He tries to be positive, but sometimes when I’m feeling really down, hearing someone spout a bunch of positives just makes me want to punch that person. I really believe it’s therapeutic to allow yourself to feel the emotions that build up when going through infertility. Until last night, I hadn’t even realized how much the upcoming cycle was getting to me.

It certainly doesn’t help matters that I would normally be having my period this week. I feel dumb I didn’t pick up on it until I was being a complete brat towards my Husband last night. I’ve been moody, my endo is flaring up, I’m exhausted and my boobs hurt. Well, duh. My body wants to have a period right now, but of course the birth control is preventing it. Although I must say, the side effects from the BCP are so much less this time around. I’m also still fighting the cold my Husband gave me and after working 12 hour shifts all weekend I pretty much spent all of yesterday sleeping.

Today I’ve been trying to track down one of the meds my pharmacy is out of. Apparently there is a national shortage of Ganirelix. For my insurance to cover my meds at the optimum rate, I need to use the pharmacy located at the hospital. But when my Husband went to pick up the meds, they said they were out of the Ganirelix and the manufacturer did not give them a date when they would have more.

Ummm I kind of need that drug in a couple of weeks.

I emailed the clinic to tell them the pharmacy was out and they just emailed me back a few other places to try. Brilliant idea people, but please tell me how I am going to get the prescription filled when you never actually gave me the prescription??!! The clinic has always called in my meds to the pharmacy. Am I so out of line to think the clinic should be checking around to see what other pharmacies may have this drug in stock?!

The hospital pharmacy said they were going to check with the clinic to see what they wanted to do, but I don’t think that ever happened. My Husband is going to stop there again today and see what the status is. I’m sure something will work out; it’s just frustrating to have one more annoyance to deal with.

For now I just try to keep myself busy and my mind off the upcoming cycle. At least my Husband should be around for all of the injections this time. I prefer letting him mix up the meds, I seem to leak some every time I try it. I really do hope this next cycle works and I hope once things get started, I will become more optimistic.

And one last thing, my Grandpa made it home last week. I appreciate the concern and well wishes. He is doing as well as can be expected. He’s back home with Grandma and is getting around pretty well. I hope to visit him soon.


  

 

Moving Decisions

Once again, I see it’s been a good week or more since my last post. We’ve just had way too much going on for me to have time for much else.

Here’s my current cycle information, the rest of this post is about family, moving, etc so those not interested can just skip it.

I still have about two weeks left of my five weeks of BCP. Side effects have been thankfully very minimal this time. I start stims the very end of April. No Lupron this time which means a lot fewer injections, yay! I still haven’t picked up my meds from the pharmacy. I can imagine the bill is going to be much worse this time since I’ll be on higher doses. I’ll update more about this cyle over the next week, hopefully, if I have time.

A little sad news to share. Last week my sweet 90 year old grandpa suffered a severe heart attack. He ended up in the cath lab twice for stents and he’s still in the hospital due to low blood pressure. He may be 90, but he acts like he’s 50. If they can get his BP under control, he should be able to go home soon. I would love to visit him right now, but my Husband gave me his cold and I really don’t want to risk giving that to my Grandpa.

We had our weekend getaway this last weekend. Only it ended up being more like a week getaway. My Husband bought tickets for some sporting events. We also spent a little time shopping, but didn’t buy much since we’ll be moving soon.

We’re moving only about six hours away from our current home, but it’s far enough to put us in another state. For the sake of maintaining some level of privacy I will just say we’ll still be in the upper Midwest.

Our long weekend turned to a longer visit as the place we traveled for sporting events was only two hours away from our new home. So, we decided to travel there so my Husband could meet some of his new coworkers, sign his contract, and look for housing.

Looking for housing was not so fun. Turns out we are very spoiled with the housing options we have in our current city. There are new buildings going up all the time and the prices are very reasonable. Our new city is an older, established community with very little new construction going on.

Our housing options are either, pay similar to what we do now and live in something built in the 70s or earlier and has not been recently updated or live in the newer buildings and pay almost 50% more than what we do now. The other option we explored was possibly buying a home, but the ones available in our price range were not something we could see ourselves living in. For now we continue to search online and may need to fit in another trip to find a place to live.

We did get a good feel for the area, and aside from the housing issue, we can really see ourselves living there. They have many of the same restaurants and retail stores we’re used to and there is so much to do in the community. And the weather is a little bit warmer on average than where we live now.

Thanks again for all the sweet comments. I wish I had more time to comment on others, but I don’t seem to have much time for anything lately. I did spend several hours on google reader yesterday trying to get up to speed on everyone. It’s amazing how quickly the posts stack up when you’ve been gone for a week!

 

Changes Coming Soon

Ooops. I didn’t realize it had been quite so long since my last post.

We’ve had some big changes happening in our lives the last week.

I’ve been busy working and my Husband received news that we will be moving this summer.

It happened so quickly. He found out about the position on Monday, phone interview on Wednesday, and accepted it on Thursday.

We move in three months……Yikes!

We’re excited as it’s an excellent opportunity for him. But with all moves to a new state there is so much to think about and plan for. I’ve spent what little free time I’ve had lately looking up information on our new city. We have to find housing, I have to find a job, and I had to check out what kind of shopping they have!

And of course being the Type A girl I am, I’m ready to start packing!

Yea….Hubby put the kibosh on that…..for now!

I’m happy that we have Hubby’s job sorted out. Now I feel I can proceed with this IVF cycle with a clear head.

The cycle is going well so far. Not much to report. I started BCP a week or so ago. I haven’t had nearly the side effects as I did from the first time I was on these pills. My endo is still pretty ticked off from the IVF meds and I hope it gets over that soon. I mostly just get frequent little reminders of shooting pain, but it is very tolerable and I haven‘t even bothered with pain meds in well over a week. Now if only I could get rid of this horrible acne that just doesn’t seem to want to go away.....

Three and half weeks from now I’ll be starting stims again. I haven’t received my meds yet. Not too worried as last time I got them two weeks before. I’m just a little concerned about the Ganirelix as Dr. RE said our local pharmacy has been out lately due to a national shortage……..ummmm….so let’s maybe start looking around to order it from elsewhere?! Oh well, I’m not going to stress over it. It’ll be their fault, not mine.

I’m feeling pretty calm going into this second cycle. I think it may have to do with the fact that I exhausted researching the first few weeks after my failed cycle and now I’m just done with looking things up. I can’t change anything and nothing more I find is going to change anything about this next cycle. I’ve resigned myself to just go with the flow. Of course I’m terrified this cycle won’t work either, but I really try to keep those thoughts pushed to the back of my mind. I also think it helps to have our upcoming move as a distraction.

Honestly…..I’m tired of stressing about IVF. As far as I’m concerned for the next few weeks, I’m just a normal girl on BCP.

 

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Where to begin after several weeks of not blogging?

The Good

I needed time away to get my head on straight and to figure out where to go from our canceled cycle. I’m happy to report that my mood is definitely improved from my last couple of posts. I feel almost normal again.

Well, almost normal as we all know how much infertility changes a person.

Life has been getting back on track. I’ve been going out with my Husband and friends. I’m still at home much of the time, but I’m not sitting around pouting. Or at least not nearly as much. I have actually accomplished some good cleaning around our home and with my Husband’s help, have finally cleared out our guest room which had turned into a catch-all room.

I think my better mood has also helped my Husband. He is going through a lot professionally right now. I can’t begin to imagine the pressure he feels with our infertility on top of his work. He is in the process of making decisions that will affect the rest of our lives. I’m proud of him for what he has accomplished and hope that everything works out the way we’re hoping, and soon. It would be nice to have his work squared away prior to starting our second round.

We also have a most wonderful weekend away planned in the near future. It will take place over my Husband’s Birthday and will also be a few weeks before starting IVF #2. Yea for being able to toss back a few cocktails that weekend!!!

The Bad

During the couple of weeks immediately following the canceled cycle I became obsessed about trying to figure out what went wrong and where to go from here. I spent days of my life researching. It drove my Husband crazy.

I did a phone consult with SIRM. As I suspected, they heavily pushed their agonist/antagonist conversion protocol with estrogen priming. It sounded somewhat convincing, but it is a very expensive and heavy protocol with really high doses of stimming meds. I tried searching many different message boards in the hopes of finding people that have used their protocol. I didn’t find much and the few I found, did not have good results with the protocol. I think with IVF there are just so many variables and so many differences from one infertile to the next that I don’t believe they will ever come up with a cure all protocol.

An interesting tidbit I learned from the Dr. I spoke with from there believes my endo and elevated FSH give me about a 2% chance of getting pregnant on my own each month.

Yeah……….

A week after my phone consult Dr. RE was finally back and we had our WTF appointment. He believes the Lupron really suppressed me and wants to use Ganirelix for round 2. He still believes I have a good chance of responding well and he expects the change in protocol to produce much better results. The positive side is fewer injections, even less than I did for my canceled cycle. That’s one bit of good news in all this.

I really wanted to get into it with Dr. RE about why I wasn’t informed of my elevated FSH and what it meant, but instead I spent the whole appointment fighting back tears. My Husband is non-confrontational so he wasn’t much help in getting my point across. Dr. RE feels my good response to low doses of oral meds means I should have a good response to injection meds as well. He really didn’t put much emphasis on my FSH being an end to my chances.

We also discussed completing the cycle even if I only have a few eggs. He said it’s up to us to decide whether to cancel a cycle or move forward. Ummmm…we didn’t get the choice last time?!

My Husband feels better about this cycle and is optimistic for our chances. Me? Not so much. I’m still hurting from the canceled cycle and I am too afraid to get my hopes up. I worry about possibly going through that kind of pain again. I am very much a realist and my Husband is more of an optimist. We butt heads when talking about the possibilities of our next cycle. He wants me to be more positive, but I’m just not there. Yet.

The Ugly

The next part is for all those endo girls out there.

Getting your period after a failed IVF cycle:

IT. SUCKS. BIG. TIME.

I would most definitely put this period in the top three worst periods of my life. The amount of pain was ridiculous. I ended up taking FOUR different prescription painkillers and they didn’t even work that great. I was beyond miserable. I tried everything to ease the pain. Hot baths, living with a heating pad clutched to my abdomen, pain pills, massage, etc. None of it really helped aside from taking the sharpest edge off. And lucky me, I was working a six day stretch during the worst of it. I pretty much spent all of my time outside of work moaning and whimpering in my bed.

The kicker was my period being almost a week late giving me a glimmer of hope that maybe; just maybe, I ovulated those two follicles and was actually pregnant.

Thank you, endo, for bitch slapping me back to reality.

The Plan

I started BCP for IVF #2. I start stims the end of April and will hopefully make it to an early May retrieval and transfer.

Hoping and praying IVF #2 is THE ONE!

11 Days

11 days since our IVF cycle was canceled.

The first several days were spent drowning in sorrow. I finally allowed myself to feel all of the hurt and pain that has been building up since we started with infertility treatments. I collapsed into bed sobbing.

The type of sobbing that leaves you physically and emotionally exhausted.

The week after the canceled cycle was spent in bed and/or on the couch. Everything took excruciating effort. I could barely drag myself from the bed to the couch and back again. Housework was out of the question. Bathing was optional. Eating was beyond difficult.  The intensity of my pain was so great I was beginning to worry I would never again feel better.

I honestly felt worse than if someone had died.

It’s the kind of pain that leaves you feeling destroyed. So incredibly painful that every time you even try to wrap your mind around what happened you feel as though you are suffocating. You begin to question how someone can feel so much pain and possibly live through it.

I pleaded with my Husband to make it stop. I begged him to tell me when the pain would go away. He didn’t know what to tell me and instead just wrapped his arms around me even tighter.  

One morning I finally woke up. It was the first time in a whole week I saw the clock before the afternoon. At first it didn’t seem real. I stayed in bed for another hour, in complete disbelief that my body was actually allowing me to be up this early.

It was my first day in moving forward. I was doing laundry and cleaning our home by 9am. My Husband thought he came home to the wrong place. I was up and dressed and had makeup on. I was even, dare I say, in a good mood.

Things have not been perfectly rosy since my turning point, but they have been much better. I still have my moments. The pain is slowly being replaced by sadness. And that’s okay. I can handle sadness.

There have even been moments when I don’t even think about our infertility. I wouldn’t have believed it myself a week ago, but it can and does happen. Try going to the movies and seeing a comedy. It helped me feel normal.

Now it is time for us to move forward. Move on to the next step, no matter what it may be. I still don’t have answers as to what happened. I may never know. And I still don’t know where to go from here. But we’re moving forward. I have a phone consult this week with SIRM and a meeting with Dr. RE next week. Hoping we can gain some insight on what happened and what our options are.

It’s time to let go of the pain from this cycle and move forward. As the quote from the top of my blog says:

Courage is Going from Failure to Failure Without Losing Enthusiasm.

   

.........Just.............Breathe..........

Five days ago my heart shattered into a million pieces.

It’s amazing how quickly you can go from being so hopeful to beyond devastated.

I wish I could say over the past few days I have been feeling the slightest bit better.

I don’t.

I feel worse.

Much, much worse.

Leaving well enough alone is not my strong point.

Remember, I am a Type A planner that has to know.

In my desperation to figure out what went wrong, I started researching.

The first stop was reviewing lab values.

Not a good idea.

Turns out there are a few little red flags.

Red flags Dr. RE should have caught and discussed with me.

Red flags that should have put me on a completely different protocol.

Red flags I should have caught myself if I hadn’t been so naïve then.

My FSH is 11. Diminished. Ovarian. Reserve.

…….just……..breathe…….

Our clinic is rather small. We go there because it's the only one within a reasonable radius and our insurance will cover us there.

Without insurance we wouldn’t even be able to pursue infertility treatments.

Unfortunately, their track record for diminished ovarian reserve is beyond horrible (as in 0 for the five years of statistics I could find). And they’re not much better with endometriosis patients (success rates in the 20% range).

If there is any hope at all of us conceiving a child with both of our genetic material, we need a highly personalized protocol. One I don’t think our current clinic is going to be able to provide.

During my research I have also found it may be a good idea for endometriosis patients with failed IVF cycles to have immune testing done. I’m thinking with everything else I’m working against right now, I should look into this. But again, I’m not sure this is something my clinic would be able to provide.

I am waiting for my next menstrual cycle to kick in and when it does, I’m supposed to go in and have a meeting with Dr. RE. I will bring copies of what I have found and hope and pray he will work with me.

If the next cycle doesn’t work I’m afraid we’re done. Our insurance will be close to maxed out and it would be up to five years before we could afford an IVF cycle at a better clinic.

With my FSH we don’t have time to waste.

It’s now or never.

…….just……..breathe……..

 

The IVF Cycle That Wasn't

IVF cycle officially canceled.

They were so worried I would hyperstimulate I was put on Lupron and a low dose protocol.

It backfired.

Of course Dr. RE comes in the room saying "It's never easy having to deliver this kind of news"

"NEVER EASY?"

REALLY? "NEVER EASY" FOR YOU?

TRY BEING ON THE FUCKING RECEIVING END!!!!!!

I am so angry right now.

Only two follicles are developing.

I just found out today I only had 7-8 follicles at my baseline appointment. Which was 12 days after starting Lupron.

That would have been nice to know.

Adding insult to injury, they still wanted to get an estradiol level. After two pokes and no blood I said enough is enough and walked out.

My option is to convert the cycle to IUI. I would have to order more ridiculously expensive drugs to do this. I think it would be a waste.

Each of my five medicated cycles I always had 3-5 good follicles.

Proceeding with two seems like joke.

I asked if another cycle would be worth the effort. I was told that when this happens and someone tries a new protocol about half of the patients see a better response. At 30 I have a little better chance than someone at 40.

I hate infertility.

* Normally I would never swear on my blog, but today I make an exception. Thank you for understanding.