BCP: A Girl's Worst Friend Alternately Titled: I Hate Endo

In anticipation of my IVF cycle the end of February, I have been placed on stronger birth control pills than I’m used to.

My endometriosis hates this medication. Really really hates it.

So for the past few weeks, I feel like I am being punished: sore boobs, dizzy, lightheaded, nausea, insomnia and horrible endo pain to name a few.

And of course all of those delightful side affects make for a very crabby me.

My poor Husband. Bless his heart for putting up with me. He even brought home flowers last week when I was having a really bad day.

I know this is only for a short time, but come on. I’ve never had this hard of a time on birth control. I know this is a stronger one than what I usually take, but the side effects are getting a little ridiculous. The last pills I was on were very low dose and actually made my endo feel better, so the opposite effect of these pills is frustrating.

It makes me fearful for what is to come. If my body hates these little pills so much, what is going to happen when I start injecting stronger meds into my body?

Every month my endo gets worse. The amount of pain and the number of days I have pain has drastically increased the past few weeks. It’s not fun.

Thank goodness for prescription meds, but given a choice I would never take them. I hate having to take medication. I hate the feeling of being drugged. During the day I just push through the pain. I try to keep myself busy to take my mind off the pain.

But at night…….at night I sometimes can’t sleep without pain meds. I wake up in tears or even squealing in pain. The wrong move in my sleep sets my body into a fit of spasms and unrelenting pain.

And let’s not even start with the bladder issues. ‘Having to go’ five times in 15 minutes? Yep, been there, done that. My poor little bladder has not been the same since my surgery two years ago. I’m guessing there’s endo growing on it.

Well, I’m done complaining now. Whew. It feels good to vent sometimes.

I am moving forward with positives thoughts. Hoping my body will adjust and feel better this next couple of weeks. Hoping that the injections are not going to be any worse than how I feel now.

Hoping and praying this cycle works. For me. For my endo. For us to finally have our family.

To Tell Family or Not to Tell.......

As with many infertile couples we have struggled with the dilemma of whether to tell our loved ones or not. And if we tell them, what do we tell them. I will try my best to explain our choice and why.

Personally, I am a very private person. When I was diagnosed with endo we had no idea what was going on prior to the exploratory lap.

My Husband is from a very small town. Being from a small town, news travels very quickly. Especially since my MIL likes to talk. A lot. So of course pretty much everyone she had ever known soon knew that I was having surgery. And of course when people find out, they want to know the outcome.

I was completely mortified. Not because of my diagnosis. Nope. It had to do with the fact that most people don't understand endo and of course want to know the details.

Discussing my lady parts is not something I care to do with people I hardly know.
But then why blog you ask?

I need an outlet. My poor husband can only take my ramblings so much as he has a ton of things he is dealing with professionally right now. And I like that I don't have to tell people my name or even where I'm from.

Because with infertility, it doesn't matter who you are or where you're from. We're all in this together.

Coming back to who to tell or not to tell. 99.9% of the people we know do not even know we are trying. When asked about starting a family we give the excuse that we want to get settled first. We haven't been married that long and we both need to get some things figured out professionally. So for now, the comments have been pretty minimal which has been nice.

Now, there are a few exceptions. One is our closest friend that has been sworn to absolute secrecy. She's great in that she hasn't once asked about how things are going. And all she knows is that we started trying almost a year ago.

Another exception is my sister. I needed her help one night with an injection as I couldn't bring myself to do it and my Husband was out of town that night. She's younger and seems to be rather uncomfortable with infertility discussions so I keep my explanations short and to the point.

So why not tell our families? Well, as previously mentioned my Husband is from a small town. I don't trust his mother to keep quiet. She admittedly has a hard time keeping secrets.

I don't tell my family because, honestly, my mother stresses me out. She tends to be overly dramatic and doesn't usually help the situation. My brother and his wife struggled for three years to get pregnant and I didn't appreciate some of the comments she had made.

They got pregnant on their own and at that point it was completely unexpected. Although, instead of taking the time to find this out, my mother started making comments about 'test tube babies'. And even though we hadn't started infertility at that time, her comment really bothered me.

So, here we are. In our own little cocoon. At times it's stressful, but I am still so happy we made the decision not to tell. It works for us. Do I miss out on some potential support? Possibly. But I prefer the support I find in cyberspace. I like knowing there are others out there that get this process.

To tell or not to tell, only you can decide.

Infertility Timeline

December 2008

• Diagnosed with mild endometriosis
• Surgery to remove what was there, found no relief from pain
• Lupron - let's not ever go there again
• Moodiness so awful I physically felt crabby
• Lost 20% of my hair three months before my wedding
• Very bad acne (again, right before my wedding)
• Cut pain by maybe a third at best
• Dear Husband Married me in the midst of this....he's AMAZING! (doubt I would have married myself during that time)
• Birth control pills and diet changes FINALLY brought some relief

June 2009

• Got Married!!

January 2010

• Finish last pack of birth control

March 2010

• Start trying
• BBT, etc.
• Primary OB/GYN tells me I *get* to go to the fertility clinic if not pregnant after three cycles

July 2010

• Met with RE
• HSG clear
• My labs came back good
• Husband's labs came back very good

August 2010

• Clomid and Ovidrel
• BFN

September 2010

• Clomid and Ovidrel
• BFN

October 2010

• Clomid, Ovidrel, and IUI
• IUI was HORRIBLE
• Took 45 minutes
• First a nurse tried
• Then Dr. RE tried
• Then Dr. RE tried with u/s guidance
• Then Dr. RE tried with u/s guidance and guidewire
• Ended up being closer to an ICI instead
• Dr. RE suggests having a full bladder for the next one since my uterus likes to tip over or something along that line...
• Adding insult to injury.....BFN

November 2010

• Femara, Ovidrel, IUI
• Amazing what a full bladder and pain meds will do!
• BFN

December 2010

• Femara, Ovidrel, IUI
• Another crappy IUI
• Drank a ton of water prior to appointment
• Kidneys decided not to filter said water
• Had to drink another gallon worth at the office
• 2 1/2 hours later, IUI finally completed
• Starting to think Dr. RE doesn't like me as a patient....
• BFN

January 2011

• Finally give in to Dr. RE's IVF recommendation
• BCP started January 9
• Awaiting lab results and directions for injection meds