Cycle Cancelled

<sigh>

IVF #6 is officially cancelled.

Not 100% sure what happened. I knew something was wrong after seeing my monitoring results this morning. The ultrasound showed my follicles didn't grow from Wednesday. And my lining only increased from 6.3 to 7.6. My E2 was 2500???!!! That's way up from 300 on Wednesday. Perhaps the tamoxifen did something crazy to my body? Lh dropped to 11.2 and my progesterone jumped to 1.22. I'm on the doctor's call list for Monday. According to the nurse I spoke with tonight Dr. Y was concerned about my progesterone level. He gave me the choice of going ahead if I really wanted, but he recommended I cancel. So I will trigger tonight and start provera Monday.

I'm so frustrated right now.

IVF #6 Frozen Embryo Transfer

I am currently underway with IVF #6. We are doing a mostly natural frozen embryo transfer.

My doctor suggested trying another transfer after our recently failed cycle. His thought was my lining may not have been receptive enough for implantation. He suggested taking estrace and doing an endometrial biopsy on CD 5. Prior to this phone call my husband and I had discussed taking a break and instead do testing for immune issues. I know I have endometriosis and often times that can carry with it additional immune issues. We have decided to hold off on the immune testing and try one more transfer.

CD 3 my labs were off a bit. My E2 was really high at 145. Although, my antral follicle count bounced back up this month and was at a respectable 16. I started taking estrace twice a day.

CD 5 was endometrial biopsy. I have a history of cervical stenosis. The last time I had a laparoscopy for my endometriosis the doctor did a cervical dilation procedure which supposedly would help with future procedures that required a catheter to be pushed through my cervix. Supposedly. Well, let's just say that my endometrial biopsy was way more excruciating than an unmedicated egg retrieval. It took everything I had to hold it together while the doctor tried repeatedly to get the catheter threaded through my cervix. She even dropped one on the floor while trying. The second she finally left the room, I burst into tears. I had taken some ibuprofen prior to the procedure, but that did nothing for the pain I endured. My husband was at the appointment with me, but he had to leave from there to go to work, so I had to drive myself home. Tears sprang in my eyes at every bump in the road. I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch in front of the fireplace. The pain and cramping pretty much subsided by the next day.

CD 10 was Wednesday and included an ultrasound and blood work. My E2 was up to 319. I was a bit concerned as my Lh was up to 17, but my largest follicle was only 13.5. I think the E2 was probably suppressing things a bit. My lining was lower than the same time of my previous cycle. It was 6.3 compared to 8 from last time. I'm guessing the endometrial biopsy likely played a role. My doctor had me start tamoxifen that night in addition to the estrace. I have had the strangest side effect from the estrace (or at least I'm attributing it to that) and food just does not taste good to me right now. I can tolerate most things, but some foods I would normally enjoy I find myself choking to get them down. We ate at a restaurant the other night and I had a dish I would normally devour. I ate about three bites of chicken and gagged on each one of them. I couldn't even eat the rice and I love rice.

Next monitoring will be tomorrow on CD 13 for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Originally when this cycle started we booked my flight out to California based upon how I have responded previously. Now we need to push it back. That could end up interfering with a lot of plans we had scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving. Hoping my body cooperates and is ready for trigger shot tomorrow night.

The Worst Part...

I remember how painful it was to lose our first little embryo over two years ago. The pain of knowing it didn't stick. Wondering if my body was yet again to blame. Many of the same feelings of grief, regret, and sadness have found their way back during our recent loss.

The first day of my period commencing the end of our chemical pregnancy I found myself in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face. The absolute worst part of losing a pregnancy so early is every time you go to the bathroom you can't help but wonder if that's the moment you're throwing your babies away...

The thought of that just kills me.

Rest assured, I'm actually doing pretty well considering all we've been through. It hurts that we lost two beautiful maybe babies. I tucked their pictures in the file with the picture from our last chemical pregnancy. It felt like I was closing another sad chapter on our journey.

My doctor called me Monday night to discuss our loss and what he suggested moving forward. He gave us a lot to think about and the rest of the evening was spent in deep discussion. We made some decisions and we are trying to move forward. I'll discuss our decision more later.

I've heard an expression before about how a good way to cheer yourself up is to help others in need. Well, there has been no shortage of me helping others. Between my family and my husband's family, I am up to my eyeballs with helping others. It feels frustrating at times. Our parents knew we were banking embryos. We didn't tell anyone we were doing a transfer. We wanted to be able to surprise everyone at Christmas. And now that we lost our little ones, I don't have the heart to tell our families. Perhaps there's a bit of selfishness. I sometimes find it exhausting to have to explain things to people that don't really get infertility. It also drives me crazy how often our parents tell us they "just know things will work". I've explained why that isn't helpful and is actually insulting, but they don't get it and I know they never will. I just don't want to hear them say they're sorry or see how much they're hurt by our loss. Or to risk hearing them say something well meaning, but offensive.Perhaps it's my way of trying to hang on to a little shred of dignity in this process.

It's Over

The line on the hpts were getting darker. Then I noticed last evening that my symptoms disappeared. I had been having cramping and sore boobs. This morning I tested again and the line was very faint. I just got my blood results back. Progesterone had dropped and my HCG was 7. It should be 50. Chemical pregnancy. This sucks.

HPT + !!!

3 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant!

Tested this morning. It would technically be 7 1/2 dp5dt.

Definite line today, don't even have to squint at it, although it's pretty light.

If only for a moment, WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

BEST. FEELING. EVER. !!!

Beta tomorrow - praying for a strong number!

7dp5dt ... Is That a Line ... ?! Maybe? Please?

3 Weeks 5 Days

I made the mistake of POAS very early yesterday morning. It was a BFN. I couldn't make a line appear no matter how hard I tried. The negative hurt. A lot. Later in the day I was talking it over with my husband. My transfer took place in the late afternoon - after 5:30pm my time here. So really, yesterday may have been 6dp5dt, but early in the morning was only 5 1/2 dp5dt.

My husband wanted me to test again this morning. I refused, saying I couldn't take another negative. I wanted to just wait until beta on Wednesday. He never wanted me to test in the first place. But then this afternoon he said he wanted me to test again. He said it was my fault for getting him hooked. Consider yourselves warned ladies - men can become POAS addicts, too! I finally relented and said I would consider it in the early evening, since that would be closer to an actual 7dp5dt.

We went to an afternoon movie to kill some time. I had used the bathroom before going and waited to get home before I went again. I so glamorously peed in a disposable birthday cup (it was all I could find!) and my husband took over from there. He actually kicked me out of our bathroom and made me wait in the kitchen. Initially when I walked out to the kitchen the tears were threatening to come, but I made myself choke it down and instead focused on sorting mail.

3 minutes went by...

5 minutes went by...

He finally came out and I was waiting for the I'm so sorry hug. Instead he said it looks like there might be a very faint line. It's hard to see. At first I was very skeptical. But sure enough, if you tip it at an angle under bright light, there is a ghost of a very faint pink second line. Enough of a line to make me stop and think, maybe, just maybe.

Of course hubby wants me to test again tomorrow...

Did I Spot a Speck?

Earlier this evening I made a routine trip to the bathroom. I've been wearing liners to soak up the greasiness from the suppositories. I've had a few twinges over the past few days and have been looking to see if any implantation bleeding happened. Well, tonight it looks like I may have had a drop or two of spotting. The usually white suppository slime was tinged the lightest shade of brownish pink.

Perhaps from implantation?

I can only hope...

3 Weeks 3 Days PUPO

5dp5dt

Trying to patiently wait for beta next week. I had my progesterone checked yesterday. It came back at 48.34! Yay! The nurse that emailed my results said this was a good number. It was followed by a good luck with three exclamation points. Perhaps a sign of good things to come? This also means I do not have to add the nasty PIO injections. I'll take the constant oil slick from the suppositories over needles in my butt any day. I've been pleasantly surprised by the lack of side effects from the progesterone.  I was expecting to be cranky and irritable but that hasn't happened. The only thing I've noticed is my boobs are a little sore the last couple of days.

I'm haven't POAS yet. I think I may start on Monday. Originally my husband was going to be home on Wednesday for beta but now he picked up a shift. He didn't want me to test but now he does since he won't be here. So we'll see.

Not sure what we'll do if this cycle doesn't work. Everything has gone perfectly this cycle so I would be really shocked if at least one blast didn't stick around. We've discussed different options and we've decided to just wait and see. The whole IVF process is getting old and if this doesn't work I don't know how much more I would be willing to go through.

Positive thoughts until beta.

3 Weeks and a Nickname

3 weeks PUPO!

I finally decided on a nickname for our maybe babies. The Twinkies. I don't even like Twinkies, but they come two in a pack and we have two blasts chilling in my belly.  Unfortunately for them I'm not the most creative person. But it's easy enough.

We left the gorgeous weather in California today and returned home to temperatures half of what we had been enjoying. I LOVE the beach and miss it already.  Although there is something to be said about sleeping in your own bed.

I received an amazing surprise from my husband today. He upgraded our flight to first class! I was completely shocked. To show how distracted I am right now, he handed me my boarding passes when we checked in and I didn't even realize it said first class seating on it. He finally had to point it out to me ten minutes before boarding. Best. Husband. Ever!!! I very much appreciated the extra comfort that came with an upgrade. Flying back to the Midwest we spend about 4 hours total on an airplane so I was so very grateful for his surprise. I told the Twinkies they need to show their gratitude for the upgrade by sticking around. Hopefully they're good listeners.

My acupuncturist is pretty awesome. Since he will be out of town for a long weekend and he knew I was doing a transfer, he told me he would meet me at the clinic tonight when we got back. It felt so good to end a long day of travel with acupuncture. I know I will sleep well tonight!

The only 'symptom' I've noticed is a couple of mild twinges earlier today. Could it be our hatching blast busted out completely and was trying to burrow in? Or was my body protesting all the travel today? Who really knows. Beta is a week from today!

PUPO with Twins!

Transferred two beautiful blasts today. Our fresh one was a 5AA, perfect and hatched halfway out of its shell. The frozen one was a 4AA and they did assisted hatching on that one. I'll spend the next day and a half soaking up more California sun before flying home Wednesday. Yay!!

Fertilization Report

One egg out of the two has fertilized. The one that didn't make it was immature. They tried to culture that one, but it stopped growing. I was expecting that since it came from a 12mm follicle.

I started progesterone support last night. I take an oral progesterone every evening at bedtime. I will also take 2 vaginal prometrium suppositories a day starting tomorrow. I had to take one suppository this morning. The following description is going to be TMI. And it will forever ruin your view of candles on a birthday cake, so consider yourself warned. I woke up early this morning and inserted the suppository. It's a pharmacy compound and needs to be kept refrigerated. It has a white waxy outer coating in the shape of a little torpedo. Inside is the progesterone. I laid in bed for a good hour after placing it. I used the bathroom once I got up. The waxy coating had somewhat liquified and drops were floating in the water. It reminded me exactly of wax candles dripping onto a birthday cake. Disgusting, I know. Other than that I haven't had any other side effects. Keeping my fingers crossed I don't turn into a raging b---- from all this progesterone.

Transfer is scheduled for Monday afternoon. I will be getting my progesterone level checked earlier that morning. If it's way too low then the transfer will be canceled. If it's just a little low I will be put on those nasty PIO shots. Fingers crossed the oral and suppositories do the trick!

I'm continuing to soak up the amazing weather here. Low 80's and sunshine the whole time we're here!

2 Eggs and a Beautiful Uterus

Retrieval was this morning. It still amazes me how awesome this natural IVF cycle has been going. I received orders Monday for Lupron trigger that night followed by ibuprofen every 6 hours (with a break overnight). My two largest follicles were 22 and 12. There were several smaller, but not worth aspirating. Two eggs were retrieved. I'm guessing the egg from the smaller follicle will be immature, although I know if that is the case the lab will try to grow it. I would expect the other egg to grow into a beautiful blast. Transfer will be Monday. I will be doing progesterone in oral and suppository form. They will check my progesterone level Monday morning and if it's low they will add PIO. My lining was perfect today at 10.5. The doctor kept saying how beautiful my uterus looked - he spent way more time than necessary looking at it from a couple different angles, but it was worth it. Even I could tell how nice and fluffy it was on the monitor.

I was a little bummed my husband didn't get to come back to the retrieval waiting area with me. I also found out he doesn't get to see the transfer either. But the nurse did say they have let people record the transfer. I hope so. I joked with my husband he didn't even need to come on this trip since we still have a vial frozen they could have used. It is nice to have him here to pamper me.

I stopped at a local acupuncture clinic recommended by my IVF center. I'm scheduled for a treatment before transfer on Monday morning. The rest of the week we are just going to keep busy. Today I'll take it easy to let my body recover from retrieval. A nap and lounging by the pool are on the schedule. We may also go to a movie later. Then up until transfer I will be doing lots of walking to keep the blood flowing to my uterus.  I'm enjoying every drop of sunshine here.

I'm getting excited about this cycle. I have every hope things will work out.

That's It?

This natural cycle IVF is going beautifully!

Thursday I had my saline infused sonogram (SIS) in preparation of our transfer this cycle.

I remember when I had an HSG and how painful that was. I also know how painful my retrievals have been without anesthesia or any pain meds. So, I was expecting a decent amount of pain.

The most "painful" part was the doctor inserting the speculum. This was by far one of the easiest and least painful exams I have had in this journey. Apparently all they do is put a little cap on your cervix and push the saline through. I had the smallest of cramps and then it was over. The doctor said he was done and I said, "that's it?" I was shocked at how easy it was.

The inside of my uterus looked beautiful. Clear of any issues and ready for a baby!

Today was CD 10 which included labs and ultrasound.

I have one gorgeous follicle on the right that was 17.5 and should be prime size for trigger tonight. I have another one at 11 on the right and a few 7s on the left. I'm only expecting one mature egg this cycle, but I'm sure Dr. Y will aspirate all he can find, just in case.

My lining was 7.6! Which is absolutely amazing for my body! Last IVF cycle at retrieval my lining was only 5.6. It looked nice and fluffy today. My acupuncturist has been trying some different things to boost my lining and it's paid off! I go again today as my lining still needs to get a little bit thicker, but I have faith it will happen.

We leave for California tomorrow morning. Based just on my follicle size today I really expect to trigger tonight and retrieval should be Wednesday morning. We'll enjoy the sunshine for a week and transfer should be next Monday! Yikes! 

I'm feeling very hopeful for the first time in years. I keep visualizing this cycle working. I know there are a million more things that need to go right, but I just have a good vibe this time. I also know that if  things don't work, we'll be okay, and we still have plenty of blasts on ice.

Baseline Results and Plan

I had my baseline ultrasound and lab work yesterday. Since this is a natural IVF cycle and I wasn't starting any medications, they waited until today to give me my orders.

FSH 25.7, E2 21, AFC 11. Two largest follicles are 9 and 6.

That is by far the highest my FSH has ever been. Good thing my doctor in California won't think twice about it. It's almost laughable now. I remember a few years ago an RE telling me that an FSH over 20 is getting pretty close to menopause and even with an FSH of 18 I needed donor eggs. Ha. I'm so happy I spent the ridiculous amount of time that I did on researching options. I have six blasts in the freezer and I would expect to make another one from this cycle. And I made all of them using very little to no medications!

I'm a little bummed my AFC dropped from my last two IVF cycles. I know it can fluctuate and my body could still be recovering from the little bit of clomid I was on in August. My last cycle was only 23 days and I ovulated on day 12 so the FSH and AFC really didn't surprise me too much.

I had acupuncture yesterday. My acupuncturist is trying a few different things to help beef up my lining. It involved electroacupuncture on my lower back and legs. Seems strange, but it actually felt really good. I go again tomorrow.

My SIS is scheduled for Thursday. Not looking forward to it. I'm not worried about the pain, just worried that maybe my right tube is blocked now, too. I know we're doing IVF, but if both tubes are blocked, then I would have zero chance of a miracle pregnancy. I know how slim my chances are, but every month I still hope that I will be one of those rare lucky ones and get pregnant in between IVF cycles.

Next monitoring appointment is scheduled for Monday. I would be surprised if I wasn't ready to trigger that night. We will fly out to California on Tuesday. Wednesday will be either retrieval, trigger, or monitoring. We'll see what Monday shows. It's so nice to not have to worry about taking medications on time every night. It would be really awesome if I triggered Monday night so then I wouldn't even have to worry about dragging my vial of lupron along with.

I'm getting good vibes so far this cycle, let's keep it going!

IVF #5 Natural Cycle with Transfer

CD 1 decided to show up today. I really thought yesterday was going to be day one, but my body said, nah, just messing with you.

I have my baseline appointment on Monday. I also still need to get a saline infused sonogram to evaluate my uterus. The SIS is scheduled for Thursday. The most fantastic part of this IVF cycle is ABSOLUTLEY NO STIMULATION MEDS!!!!

I am so looking forward to this cycle. The first med I'll take is the Lupron trigger shot. That will be followed by every six hour doses of ibuprofen until retrieval. Then I'll of course be on progesterone support. My clinic prefers a combo of oral and suppository progesterone. I'll also have to pick up a vial of the nasty PIO, but that's only in case I need it. My luteal phase defect may also require a little estrogen support, but that will be determined later in my cycle.

I'm guessing we will leave for California a week from Tuesday. I'm looking forward to beaches and sunshine. It's been so dreary here the last several days. Winter is quickly approaching and I'm not looking forward to it. I plan on soaking up every drop of sun I can. We will be there for at least a week as we wait for transfer after retrieval.

There is definitely some fear going into this cycle. I'm not sure what scares me more, the cycle not working or getting a positive. After so many years of infertility I'm not sure I can picture what success would look and feel like. I do know just like our last transfer 2 1/2 years ago, I plan on fully embracing this cycle. I will whole heartedly love this pregnancy no matter how long our little embryos decide to stick around. A BFN will hurt no matter what. I know this. But I never regretted believing in our pregnancy last time.

And that means...I'm one day pregnant!

Almost Insured

I'm so relieved. The life insurance issue is almost coming to a close. The first life insurance company we applied to flat out denied me because we're doing IVF. Our agent did some research and found a company that doesn't care about IVF and I was approved for their best rate!!! What a weight that has lifted off of my shoulders. Not that I plan on croaking anytime soon, but since we are trying to start a family it makes me feel better knowing we have that in place for the what ifs in life. All that's left is to submit some final paperwork and get my medical records from the first company over to the second company and we will be good to go. Yay!

In other news, I'm guessing we will be back in California in about 3 1/2ish weeks. I'm not really sure what to make of this cycle. I skipped doing BBT for a week while we were out of town. Then the last several days shows I appeared to have ovulated on CD 12 which is early for me. For most of the last year I ovulate more on CD14/15. So depending on what my luteal phase decides to do, this could be a really short cycle. I'm interested to see what my body is up to this cycle.

Emotional Overload

Today I've been an emotional roller coaster. Good thing for my husband, he's been at work all day. Not sure what triggered it, but it's here. Back two and a half years ago when our second IVF was coming to a close I very quickly slipped into a fairly significant depression. I had a really hard year after our IVF cycle failed. During that time I had my second endometriosis surgery, went on a high dose of progesterone for several months, and my husband's sister had baby number 2 and got pregnant with number 3 a few months later. It was a very hard year in my life. I frequently struggled. Our marriage took a beating. I hated the person I had become. It was a lot of hard work to crawl out of the hole I dug for myself. Eventually I got better. And I moved on with my life. I felt I was finally accepting of our infertility and was making plans for a future that may not include children of our own.

Then we decided to try another few rounds of IVF. I was and am still afraid of falling back into that same depression. Although, this time around I have a support network and I'm taking much better care of my body. I have a more realistic and positive outlook. And yet, I find I'm still struggling some days. Earlier in the day I suddenly found myself picturing how we would surprise our family if our cycle next month works. An hour later, I pictured how devastated I would be if it fails. And that brought up the very painful memories associated with our first two IVF cycles. It does worry me that we are attempting a transfer right before the holidays. I know how hard the holidays can be and I know how much harder they are with a recent failure. Part of me wants to go back to our original plan of waiting to transfer until January. Part of me wants to just try a transfer and get it over with. I know ultimately so much of this is out of my control.

My moods and visions vary greatly when I try picturing our future. I go from decorating a nursery in my mind to seeing us traveling the world together without children. Of course I want a child, but then part of me is sad about what I will be sacrificing for my career and hobbies. I know that sounds self-centered, but after failing at IVF I needed to focus on the good things I can accomplish. Now is the time of year we are considering signing up for winter coed sports. Do we sign up figuring things won't work out? Do we not sign up at all because what if it affects our outcome? I'm at a crossroads and have many decisions to make regarding my career, our home, our future, and our hobbies.

It's amazing what writing this all out does for a person. I just realized why I'm struggling so much. I'm in limbo again. I HATE being in limbo. Once again we're putting aspects of our lives on hold in quest of making a baby. And that frustrates me to no end. I hate the in-between. I hate the waiting. I'm too much of a type A planner. No wonder I'm going crazy right now.

I think a lot of deep breathing exercises, a massage, and some good distractions need to be in my future for the next couple of months. Oh look, I just gave myself something to plan...!

Hormone Crash

It's days like today when I am so thankful to not be working a full-time job.

CD 1 hit with a vengeance today. I knew it was coming, but the intensity still surprised me a bit. I was really hoping it would be closer to normal since I used so little medication this cycle. I was wrong. I had a meeting this morning and then spent the afternoon on the couch curled up with a heating pad and the fireplace on. My sweet little cat discovered I had the heating pad in my lap and decided to curl up for a bit. We napped. For four hours. And I still feel like I could crawl into bed and sleep until tomorrow. Thankfully an awesome acupuncture treatment earlier this week has kept the pain bearable. The acupuncturist I see uses electro-acupuncture for the points in my abdomen and I really feel it has made a difference for my endo-pain. I've made it through today and know that it will only get better from here.

I was trying to estimate counting out the days to my October cycle since my cycles like to vary and it looks like we could be doing a transfer around the 24-26th of October. Yikes. Not sure I'm ready yet....

The Crash is Coming

I can feel. It's coming. Soon.

The hormone crash after an IVF cycle is so not fun. Even with the minimal amount of medication it's still not pleasant. Unfortunately having any increase in my estrogen levels leads to more endo pain. I'm just ready to get it over with. I have one more night of provera. I'm assuming CD 1 will be Tuesday. If it even holds off until then. I'll just be taking it easy and pampering myself until it's over. If I remember correctly after my banking cycle in May the following two cycles were pretty unpleasant. Hoping that's not the case this time.

On the bright side I should be done with my period before we go on a mini vacation. We're excited to reconnect with friends that are scattered all over.  It should be good times. And I may even allow myself a drink or two along the way.

Life Insurance Bull$#!T!!!

I am so incredibly upset and pissed off. Recently my husband and I both applied for life insurance. I was denied based solely on the fact that I am currently seeking IVF treatments. If I were to become pregnant with a SINGLE or we were to end treatments, I could then be covered. Bull. Shit.

Awesome Blast Report

We received the final blast report by email Monday evening. Our second banking cycle has been successful! We have two more ice babies! The quality of our blasts was much better than last time. Our last banking cycle it took our blasts until day 6 and we had two that were 4CC, one 4BC, and one 4BB. This cycle our blasts made it to that stage on day five and we have a 4AA and 4AB!!! Dr. Y was completely right in his prediction about getting better quality this time. I really feel hopeful we may have a chance at getting a take home baby.

Recovery from retrieval has gone well, although I felt I was more bloated than last time. I'm also starting to get some pain from my endo, but I had that last time, too. We had to go out of town this week and I completely forgot to take my provera with me. Cue panic until we found a pharmacy willing to help us out. Five days left of taking it, then my period should start.

Thankfully this next month should fly by. We have so much going on. It still amazes me how even though I'm not working full time right now, I am still busy every single day. But, a more consistent schedule would really be nice. Hoping to find a long term subbing job after our next cycle in October. Until then we will be rejoicing in our good news from this cycle.

Fertilization Report

I'm impressed. The clinic emailed my fertilization report before I even finished flying home today. 3/4 eggs were mature and fertilized! The fourth one was immature. The embryologist will culture him for another day. If he matures by tomorrow she'll ICSI him, too. Next report is on Monday.

I didn't cry this time when I left for the airport this morning. Last time the tears were streaming down my face as I got in the car to leave. I felt so guilty for leaving our 'babies' in California all alone. You invest so much of yourself in this process. And I have always allowed myself to get attached. My reasoning is if that's all I ever get to experience being a mom, I'm going to make the most of it. When I arrived on Tuesday one of the first things I did was drive by the clinic and say, Hi babies, Mommy's back! It felt good to be in the same zip code with them again. I'm sure the embryologist laughs at me. Last retrieval when I got the final blast report I jokingly asked her if she would read them a bedtime story and give them a blanket for the freezer. Yea, totally attached. I can only imagine what I'll be like if I'm ever so lucky as to have my own baby in my arms.

Why I LOVE Mini-IVF

Retrieval was this morning. Four eggs were retrieved. It still completely blows my mind how much easier it is to do mini-IVF versus conventional. My one high stim IVF that led to a transfer I only got 3 eggs and one embryo. I stimmed for two weeks, shoving up to three needles a day into my body. Then came retrieval and I got to stick estrace and crinone up my vag. I thought I also remembered an oral med or two in there as well. This cycle I took clomid for 8 days, did ONE shot to trigger and we got FOUR eggs. Hmmm....pretty sure it's not even a contest on which IVF I'd do. I only wish I had found my clinic sooner. And have we discussed cost?!  For what some women spend just for meds on a conventional cycle, I can do two full rounds of mini IVF - including retrievals, transfers, meds, and embryo cryo preservation and storage for a year. Seems like a no brainer to me. Talking with Dr. Y today after retrieval even he shakes his head at why more places aren't doing this. Don't get me wrong, a lot still goes into this type of practice. A huge part of it is having a well qualified doctor and a top notch lab. But still. Even flying halfway across the country is worth it to do the mini-IVF.

I think Dr. Y may have finally convinced me to try a natural IVF round next cycle. I have been hesitant because it is still so hard to trust the process. Depending on what these eggs decide to do, we will either do another mini or try natural with a transfer next cycle. A natural cycle would be even easier. Baseline appt on day 2. Second monitoring on day 10. Trigger. Retrieval. Transfer. Wait for beta. The only drugs would be the trigger shot of Lupron (sub q, no IM needed) and I would need progesterone support due to a luteal phase issue. I think some people don't even need progesterone. How fantastic does that sound?! Cycling here has given me hope that I may actually get pregnant. And I whole heartedly now embrace the less is more philosophy.

Hoping tomorrow brings a good fertilization report. Dr. Y predicts 2 quality blasts. We shall see. I'm still amazed he got four eggs out of me. My follicles on trigger day were 18, 16, 13, and several smaller. He aspirated every follicle he could find. I went in hoping for two and was blessed with double. I still think it's incredible to watch the retrieval and actually see the follicles aspirated and see my little eggs lined up. It's worth the pain of no anesthesia or pain control.

Triggered Last Night

Last night I did my trigger shot. I've been taking ibuprofen every 6 hours (helps prevent ovulation) and I'm currently on my way to California. Medication-wise this cycle was even easier than my last. I took half a tablet of clomid for 8 days and the only shot was my Lupron trigger. Easy. Only this cycle it is looking like only 2-3 follicles will be retrieved. I know this is still considered good for mini-ivf but it is hard to see that when we got so many eggs last time. As Dr. Y keeps telling me, quality over quantity. We shall see. Retrieval is scheduled tomorrow morning.  Fly home Thursday. Quick trip. Originally we had booked my trip until Sunday, but with triggering earlier this cycle, I decided to just  go home after retrieval. I love the beach, but it gets lonely all by myself. Hoping for some good eggs tomorrow.

IVF #4 Update

Life has been crazy around here since this cycle started. The day before CD 1, I had to attend to a family emergency on my husband’s side of the family. Let’s just say I spent several hours frantically helping pack up a household with my one year old nephew strapped to my chest. Not a good situation, but things are moving in the right direction. Then my husband insisted on driving to see his family for a couple of days after the family emergency. We left to visit after my CD 2 monitoring appointment. Then we got back the day before all of my family descended on our home. I spent the week entertaining and trying to keep our home clean. Hopped up hormones and the need to keep my home a clean oasis clashed this week. I’m proud to say I only cried into my pillow twice. Thankfully everyone left this morning. I don’t know if I could have handled much more family time.

Today I had my second monitoring appointment. CD 9 today. On CD 2 I had 17 antral follicles, but four of them were larger than 8mm. Dr. Y changed my protocol a bit this time. I am on half the dose of clomid – 25mg and so far I have not been instructed to do any booster shots. Today’s ultrasound was hard to tell for sure, but I think I have at least 2-3 large follicles with another 2-3 not far behind and then some smaller ones. I don’t think the tech I had today was very good. I’ve had enough ultrasounds done and it didn’t seem like she was measuring very accurately. We shall see. I’ll get the final report from the clinic later today. Last cycle I had more follicles growing at this point. I don’t think we will retrieve as many eggs, but it’s all about quality. I would think the retrieval will be Friday, but with the size of the larger follicles, I almost wonder if I won’t trigger tonight. I am scheduled to fly out to California tomorrow.

It’s looking like we may not end up using our insurance much. I feel that typically I am reasonable and level headed, but I lost it when talking to the insurance company today. I absolutely hate losing my cool like that. I need them to approve IVF before I have the retrieval this week. They received the request from the clinic over a week ago. The end of last week they sent out a notice by SNAIL MAIL stating the clinic needed to submit more documentation. Yea. My clinic hasn’t even received the letter yet. Specifically they need 2 years of clinical documentation to support IVF. Well, to provide that much, we have to go back to my previous clinics. I’ve been making phone calls and scrambling to get this all to go through in time. I no longer have any faith insurance is going to get their act together. And it is near impossible to get a straight answer from them. Basically every conversation is me asking them questions, them putting me on hold for 10 minutes while they ‘go ask someone else’, then getting back to me without answering my questions in the first place. I’ve had it. We’re just going to finish paying for the package pricing for the three cycles and just submit monitoring and pharmacy fees to insurance. It’s not worth delaying IVF to jump through all of their ridiculous hoops.

I’ve done all I can at this point. It’s time for me to sit back and relax and just let all the frustration go. We never thought we would have insurance coverage so even though it will be frustrating to not be able to use it, it will be ok. I have to get my suitcase packed. Sunshine and beaches, here I come!

CD 1...Let IVF # 4 Begin!

Finally, my uterus cooperated for once. I was worried about whether or not this cycle would work for us since we have family coming this week. If my cycle had been its usual length (25 days) we would not be doing this cycle. But my body decided to have a NORMAL (I rarely get to use that word…) 28 day cycle, so we will be proceeding. Yay! Let’s get this done and over with.

I spoke with my clinic yesterday. I have my baseline appointment on Monday, should start meds on Tuesday. I am doing another mini-IVF banking cycle. I would anticipate the same protocol – clomid plus a few booster shots. I’ll be in California the following week. We’re still debating what days to book my flights. My second monitoring appointment should be cycle day 9, so I think I will do it locally as well and fly out the next day. Five days of lounging by the pool and on the beach are in my very near future. Maybe I’ll regain some of the color I lost after my last trip out there.

We’re still working on insurance. The business lady at the clinic pushed through the prior authorization so hopefully we will hear on that early this week. I hope to hear before I fly out. Either way, we’ll be proceeding. If insurance doesn’t work out, then we’ll just go ahead with paying for the rest of the three cycle package. We don’t want to put things off. I want to get all of my banking cycles done before I turn 33 in four months. Dr. Y thinks it’s fine to do back to back cycles, but I really feel it’s important to give my body a break. I did have an increase in endo pain for the cycle after my last banking cycle, so for me, I think it makes sense to take a little break. And we have a wedding to attend during my next cycle anyways.

I have some anxiety, but it’s not nearly as bad as last cycle. I think it helps knowing what to expect this time. I know I can fly out there by myself. I know I can navigate the area and not get lost (thank you gps!) I know that time will fly quickly. I know my body is still capable of producing eggs. I know I can get through retrieval without anesthesia by myself. I can do this.

It's a Love/Hate Thing

The saga of my insurance coverage continues.

And we only have about 2-4 days left to figure it out or I won’t be doing this cycle.

Dun. Dun. Dun.

There are so many hoops to jump through even the business lady at my clinic is starting to get exasperated. And this is someone whose job it is to deal with insurance companies every day. The referral is in place and now we’re trying to get the prior approval submitted. And I verified my clinic is indeed a participating BCBS provider. It they weren’t, anything the clinic charged above what my insurance company pays for services, the remainder would come back to me.

I’ve done the math. And depending on what my clinic submits to insurance for two banking cycles and two transfers, we may just end up keeping the three cycle package we signed up for. The package is just under $10,000 and includes 3 cycles and 3 transfers. We have already used one cycle. If we switched to insurance we would have to convert the first cycle to an individual cycle/transfer which is $5950. We paid for half the package and would need to still pay the $950 to make up the cost for the individual cycle.  Without knowing how much is going to be billed to insurance at this point and assuming it stays within our limit, it would be about $2500 more to keep the package. But this is only if we do not exceed our lifetime infertility cap. If we do, then using insurance could end up costing more. Ironic, isn’t it?!

The other kicker is that this year if we paid for the 3 cycle package we would have spent enough out of pocket to claim some on our taxes. But with insurance spreading our cost over this year and next and being hopefully less, then we won’t get the tax break this year.  Yep. I’m at the point of just shaking my head and laughing because in the end there is nothing more I can do.

Some days I think I should have been an accountant to figure this all out.

Can an IVF Cycle Ever go Smoothly?!

Banking cycle number 2 is coming up quickly. Maybe. I had planned on cycling with the start of my next cycle. But of course, the timing may not work out very well. I have family visiting from out of state that I see once a year. They are only here for a week and plan on staying with us. Depending on my current cycle, I could end up needing to leave in the middle of their visit. If I put off cycling until the next cycle, then I would end up missing the wedding of very dear friends of ours. We had hoped to finish up with our three banking cycles before the holidays. I had hoped to start transferring in January.

Insurance may also impact my next cycle. I know how blessed we are to have some coverage, but getting the coverage in place is turning into a rather big hassle. My in-network hospital in town does not provide IVF and the insurance will pay at the in-network level for out of network IVF, but you need a physician referral. I have the referral already from when I met with a local doctor for monitoring. But when the local office tried to submit the referral it wouldn’t go through because my insurance company was showing I still had a policy in effect from another company (a policy that ended two years ago!!). I have just had a lot of back and forth phone calls and explaining things to many different people. Stuff like this just really annoys me for some reason. I know in the grand scheme of things when insurance does pay out, every second of frustration will be worth it. Anyway, the referral still needs to go through and the insurance company needs to approve it before I can start on my next cycle.

I’m just keeping my fingers and legs crossed that my current cycle goes longer than the more recent 25 days. A 28 day cycle would be awesome this month. Adding to the pressure is my deal seeking husband that can currently find cheap airfare from here for the approximate timeframe we are looking at. The problem with booking now is I do a natural start and my cycles have ranged from 23 days to 29 days in the last year. Last cycle we booked the flight on CD 3 and I left on CD 8. This time I hope to do more local monitoring and would spend less time out in California, perhaps leaving CD 10.

I know everything will work out in the end. It is much less scary this time around since I’ve done this all before. And now that I know how much easier mini-IVF is on my body, I’m not as anxious to cycle. I really just want to get the banking cycles done with so we can start transferring.

I have also been meaning to mention for anyone curious about mini-IVF. One of the sources where I learned more about it and also found the clinic I use was a forum for infertiles with high FSH.  http://www.network54.com/Forum/53068/ 

The forum says high FSH over 40, but there are plenty of younger women posting on there. I myself am an information junkie and did tons of searching before we considered trying IVF again. I really feel that you need to be your own advocate and not just always believe the first doctor you speak with. I also feel that because our emotions are all over the place I think it’s easier to sometimes just go with a doctor because you like them, instead of being able to step back and look at the clinic success rates as a whole. Each person needs to figure out what will work best for them and the only way is by doing lots and lots of research. I post on the above mentioned forum under the name Amanda. I have probably discussed more details there about my mini-ivf experience than I’ve put on my blog so far. I miss more regular blogging. Hopefully I will get myself back into it.