Goodbye, Petri

4 weeks NOT pregnant.

Maybe, Maybe Not

3 weeks 5 days pregnant? (9dp3dt)

Results are in.

Beta is 2.

The lab at my clinic considers <1 not pregnant.
A 2 falls into the gray area of not positive, but not negative.

WTF?

I prepared myself today to see two different results. Positive or Negative.

But not inconclusive.

I had my results emailed. Usually they call pregnancy tests, but I prefer to take things in on my own. That way if I need to cry or yell I can do so without someone other than my Husband hearing.

I called the clinic to discuss what I should think of all this.

The nurse said it could go either way. What's important is what Friday will show.

They recently had one girl start with a 1 and she kept moving up.

My progesterone is also low.

But that is likely due to using suppositories instead of the PIO. It doesn't get into your blood stream as much. To be on the safe side I'm going from two a day to three a day.

I have 4 scenarios running through my mind.

1. It's ectopic.
2. It's a good pregnancy, but Petri took a long time to settle in.
3. It's a chemical pregnancy.
4. It's not a pregnancy, just the HCG shot lingering.

I'm dreading Friday's lab more than I did today's lab.



   

I Never Thought Cramps Would be Exciting!

3 weeks 3 days pregnant! (7dp3dt)

Last night I experienced several instances of cramping.

Mostly just a dull pressure that was definitely in my uterus.

Although, I do have to stay somewhat reasonable, it could be from many things: my endo, the fact that my bowels finally started working properly (stupid progesterone), or hopefully, it was Petri.

I hope I hope I hope it was Petri snuggling in!

Progesterone sides effects are not the most fun I've ever had. Warning - TMI!

I was fortunate to have the option of doing suppositories or PIO. I figured since I wouldn't be allowed to have sex, I might as well shove things in my vagina instead of sticking a large needle in my ass every night.

I think I chose wisely. Having to wear a pantyliner is so not a big deal and there really isn't much that comes out anyways. Although I do wonder where all that stuff goes.....the pamphlet said something about globules......yea.......the grossest part is having to insert the estrace tablet since those don't come with applicators.....I'll spare you the rest........but really, if I had to choose again, it would be suppositories, they're really easy to deal with.

Thanks to the progesterone I'm also sleep deprived.

Friday night I slept less than 2 hours. I was so exhausted by the time I was done with work on Saturday I fell asleep on the couch while Hubby was making supper. He woke me up to eat and I just started bawling. He asked what was wrong and in between sobs I hiccuped out "I'm too tired to eat!" Needless to say, I went to bed really early that night and slept solidly for a good 2 1/2 hours......then was wide awake! After laying there for 3 hours I desperately caved in and took a benadryl.... it worked, but I felt horribly guilty until I had my Hubby check to see if benadryl is safe. It's category B so it's all good.

The lovely acne is still hanging around. It recruited some friends and is starting to invade my boobs. I'm so tempted to pop all the little pimples. Yes, I am a pimple popper. There's something so satisfying about squeezing the disgusting crap out of zits and pimples. (Don't worry, I have received the lecture from my dermatologist. Twice.) I must confess, today I allowed myself to pop some of the larger ones. I wouldn't care so much, but summer is just around the corner and chest acne is not conducive to wearing tank tops or swimsuits.

Fortunately for my Husband I don't think I've been any more cranky on the progesterone than any of the other drugs. I think my mood is pretty good for the most part. Still staying positive and enjoying each day I have.

First beta is Wednesday. Not really sure why my clinic does them so early (9dp3dt). They check beta and progesterone levels. They told me the first one could be negative. Way to freak out an infertile. I really thought I would be POAS by now, but I don't have any in the house and haven't really had the urge to buy one. Maybe I just want to continue basking in my blissful ignorance a while longer. Even if I tested Wednesday, that could be early for a home test.

We'll see what happens.

Was That A Twinge?!

3 weeks 1 day pregnant! (5dp3dt)

Petri should be implanting today!

I was working this morning and had three separate twinges.

They were all in the center or just to the right side of my uterus.

I can discount it as being endo related since those issues are always on the left.

Just a quick sharp little tug each time.

Oh, Petri, we really hope you're working as hard at implanting as we did at getting you here.

We'd love to meet you in 9 months!

Stay strong little one!


 On a side note......

I woke up this morning with the craziest rash/acne thing going on all over my chest and halfway up my neck. They're little red spots and if you look really close, most have tiny little whiteheads. I also have red acne looking spots on my upper back. Doesn't itch, just looks kinda gross. What is that all about? My initial reaction was allergic reaction, but Hubby things it's just an acne breakout from all the drugs. Anyone else ever get this? And here I was thinking the other day my skin is the clearest it's been since starting all these crazy fertility drugs....


   

3 Weeks

I'm 3 weeks pregnant today! (4dp3dt)

How fun to think of things that way!

Petri should be finding some prime real estate in my uterus today to put down roots.

I am still feeling very positive and wanting to just appreciate every single moment I have with Petri.

I know the odds and the reality, but instead of stressing I have made up my mind to be happy and to enjoy each day. Not to mention, I love playing the 'pregnancy' card with my Husband. Cat litter box needs cleaning? Better not! My back is sore, can you rub it for me? Petri wanted pizza for supper, and I had no choice but to agree! Laundry needs to be done? Sorry, but Petri says we need to take a nap instead!

Like I said, Loving. Every. Single. Moment.

My Husband has definitely noticed my improved mood. For so long I've been so stressed and down. But eventually, a person just can't do that anymore. I hope regardless of any outcome, I can keep this more positive attitude. Because I had no idea I even had it in me to be this happy in the midst of infertility.

Settle in little Petri!


  

Transfer

3dp3dt

Petri should be hatching today!

I’m still so happy and loving every moment!

My transfer was more stressful to me than the retrieval.

I fretted all weekend about only having one fertilized egg.

I woke up Monday morning at 4am. This was after going to bed at 2am.

I was freaking out that we would get a phone call any minute telling us Petri didn’t make it.

At least, I hoped my clinic would call instead of making us drive all the way over there.

Because that would have been really cruel.

I made my Husband call the clinic an hour before we were to leave to verify my instructions. Because my uterus and cervix like to be difficult it was decided long before our first IVF that I would require anesthesia for retrieval AND transfer. Dr. RE wanted my uterus to be as relaxed as possible. Remembering how painful and horrible my IUI’s were, I eagerly agreed to this plan.

Since the clinic only does this once or twice a year, they don’t have a nice little protocol sheet typed up for patients like me. So I got the basic sheet with the full bladder instructions on it. I didn’t think to ask on Friday if I was supposed to still fill my bladder or not. Logically, I figured no, since I was supposed to be NPO for anesthesia, but wanted to be sure. I also thought it would a perfect excuse to ask if everything was still a go for the transfer.

Husband ended up speaking with the office manager that is a complete IDIOT. She told him that yes; of course I needed to drink water. Ummm….okay. Then when he was asking if our embryo made it through the weekend, he got cut off. He called the clinic back and this time IDIOT office manager said, don’t let her drink water, she’s supposed to be NPO. They’ll fill her bladder during the procedure.

We arrived at the clinic at 11am. The two front office ladies were asking me if I was excited for today. I told them I was worried if our one embryo even made it through the weekend, and one of them said, it must have because they would have for sure called that morning. I felt a little better after that. We were then taken back to a conference room to meet with Dr. RE. Again, I started freaking out thinking something was wrong. But it’s protocol for them to go over your embryo report and have you sign it.

Out of our three eggs, only one made it. One egg was multi-nucleated (spelling?) and the other had many occlusions. I asked if that meant that I produced bad eggs. I was told no. That these types of findings are very normal and usually around a third of eggs retrieved have something wrong with them. The one egg that fertilized was absolutely perfect and produced a perfect embryo with no fragmentation. Dr. RE said they can’t make a better embryo than we produced. He said if my eggs were bad, there is no way we could end up with a perfect embryo. <huge sigh of relief>

For once in all of this, we finally got some really good news!

I was taken back to get ready for the OR and Hubby was sent back to the waiting room. Because of them doing anesthesia again, Hubby was not allowed in the surgical suite so neither of us was able to see the actual transfer take place.

They had the picture of Petri and took it out to Hubby in the waiting room while I was back there, so he got to see it before I did. He thought that was pretty cool to get the picture while he was waiting.

Next thing I remember is waking up in recovery in excruciating pain. I had tears pouring down my cheeks and was squirming all over the place. I think what likely happened is they filled my bladder very full (I normally don’t let it get very full because of my endo) and that stretched out and really irritated my endo. And they gave me two liters of fluid during the procedure, so my bladder was filling up again while sitting in recovery, adding to my pain. I don’t remember a whole lot else, but I do remember seeing Dr. RE come back into the recovery room. He probably couldn’t believe how much pain I was in. He gave Hubby a script for some valium which I thankfully took as soon as I got home and had a six hour nap.

I tried to listen to my circle and bloom for transfer day several times, but with the valium on board, I kept falling asleep five minutes into it. The goal was to relax the uterus and I guess if I was completely passed out, then it was doing its job!

Three days later and I’m still sore, but feeling much better.

Retrieval

I want to thank all of you sweet ladies for taking time to leave such positive and encouraging comments. They really do help when going through this. I don't know what I would do without the added support of the infertility community. It helps so much to know there are many other people out there that know exactly how I feel. Thank you all for being so amazing. I have kept up reading your stories on my phone, but haven't felt up to sitting at a computer to type comments. I'm hoping to feel up to commenting again soon.

My 48 hours of bedrest is officially over, but I'm still taking it easy for one more day.

I can honestly say I'm very happy and calm. My Husband is amazed by my good mood. My belief is even if the next week is all I get with Petri, I am going to relish Every. Single. Moment. 

I'll divide up my retrieval/transfer into two posts to not make things too long.

My retrieval was last Friday. I went in with high hopes they would be able to retrieve eggs from all six follicles.

As we know, that was not meant to be.

They took me back first and my Husband was left in the waiting room.

I was taken back to a room to change into a gown and slippers. I was in the middle of changing when the Nurse Practitioner came in to do my preop assessment. Nothing like starting things off by showing off my bare butt! Then anesthesia came in and did their thing. Then it was time to go back.

Anesthesia walked me back to the OR suite and got me hooked up to everything. I still had my glasses on when we got back there, so of course I ended up seeing the MASSIVE needle they were going to use for the aspiration. Thankfully I was put under soon after that.

Next thing I know, I woke up in recovery sitting in a recliner with my Husband by my side. My favorite nurse was there and she was very attentive and sweet. I had a decent amount of pain, but after about 20 minutes the pain meds they gave me in the OR finally kicked in. After my recovery period, we were free to go. We were sent out to the waiting room while the nurse went to check to see how many eggs were retrieved.

Immediately when the nurse came out to the waiting room I knew something was wrong. She had that look in her eyes people get when they're about to tell you something bad. She squatted down in front of me and put her hand on my knee and as gently as possible told me only three eggs were retrieved. I think I repeated the number out loud a few times before starting to cry.

Here is why I love this nurse. She told me: "Listen to me. Three is not the end of the world. We have seen many cases like this where all three eggs fertilize. Don't give up, there is still hope and there are three of them. For all we know they are perfect eggs. You need to have hope. We'll make sure someone calls you tomorrow. Hang in there, those three eggs need you to believe in them." She then gave me the biggest hug ever.

I spent the rest of the day at home crying and feeling sad. And of course googling the crap out of low number of eggs retrieved.

Saturday morning one of the Drs. from the clinic called. I made my Husband answer the phone because I knew I would lose it if they told me none of them made it. One did make it and we were told to still plan on transfer on Monday.

The rest of the weekend was the longest two days of my life. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I made my Husband drive me by the clinic to visit my embryo (Twice Friday and once each Saturday and Sunday). It may have been crazy, but I needed to feel like I was doing something.





   

Meet Petri

Petri Came Home With Us!

Yes, I gave my embryo the unimaginative name of Petri.

We drove past the clinic to visit Petri several times this weekend.

I couldn't help myself, I felt it was the only thing I could do.

It paid off. We received the best news possible.

Petri grew big and strong.

Petri is already an overachiever.

Petri is a textbook perfect embryo.

The perfect shape.

The perfect size.

The perfect number of cells.

I will do everything I can to help Petri snuggle in tight for the next nine months.

I will post Petri's picture later.

And tell you the story of how my transfer was more painful than the retrieval.

But for now, Petri and I are laying low. Watching mindless TV and reading.

Betas are the 25th and 27th.

One.

One egg fertilized.

Transfer Monday.

Please grow big and strong little one.

We need you.

We Love You.



  

Three.

Out of six follicles, they only retrieved three eggs.

I have no idea if any of them are mature.

They will do ICSI on all of them.

I should get a report tomorrow. Hopefully. They don't have any transfers tomorrow so likely the only staff there is the lab staff. I won't get a call if one of the Dr.s isn't there.

Please let these eggs be perfect.

Please let them fertilize and grow.

Praying. Praying. Praying.


   

Trigger Tonight!

We have 6 1/2 follicles!

There was a late starter in the game, but I don't think he'll make it in time for retrieval.

E2 is 1859 and Progesterone is 1.1

Lining is 9mm. I asked if that was on the low end since they said 7mm was low, so now I'm being started on Estrace tablets everynight. Does this seem reasonable? I don't want the lining to get too thick, but I want it to be enough.

Trigger is tonight with retrieval set for Friday.

Hubby needs to call the in-laws. They're coming tomorrow and want to bring Hubby's nephew and have us babysit on Friday, but that's obviously not going to happen!

I'm really excited and scared shitless, all at the same time.

Anyone else feel that way?

I know the odds and the reality, but I want this to work sooooo badly.

Please Oh Please Oh Please Oh Please let me get pregnant!



  

Pharmacy Idiots

I want to thank each of you that took the time to drop by and give me advice! I knew you would be so very helpful! Thank You!!

I've decided to wait and see how my Wednesday appointment goes and then I will call my acupuncturist and see if she would be able to work me in on transfer day. If not, I'm not going to stress about it.

As for work, if everything keeps moving forward as planned I think I might tell my manager. I have a hard time trusting people at work because of all the gossip. And my manager has told me things about employees she doesn't want me to tell anyone, so what does that say about her integrity?

As for the in-laws coming? Hoping they're out of our place Friday morning before the retrieval and then I'll play it by ear. I'm hoping I'm in pretty decent shape since it's not like I have a ton of follicles. Although, if they're digging around in there it could very well end up irritating the crap out of my endo.

Thanks again ladies!!

On to the pharmacy drama.

I am really starting to hate my pharmacy.

There's very few things I truly hate, so that's saying something.

We have yet to be able to pick up any meds related to my fertility treatments (or any other meds for that matter) when there isn't some sort of issue. Either they forget to fill part of it, or they don't have the drug in stock, or they tell us it will be in the next day and it takes a week. Not to mention whenever we pick up the large batches of drugs they can't seem to find them. They keep the larger orders on another shelf. This usually takes the tech at least 15 minutes to figure out, when  I can see it from where I'm standing. And yes, I preface it by saying it should be a large batch of meds.

At Monday's appointment it was decided I would stay on my current dosage for at least three more days. I called the pharmacy on my way home from my appointment. I spoke with an actual pharmacist and asked them to refill my prescription for 2 boxes of Bravelle and 1 box of Menopur. They punched it into the computer and said it would be ready for pick up later that day.

My Husband stopped by that evening to pick up my meds. They said he would have to pay in full because I wasn't due for a refill until the 14th and 17th for each of the drugs. Say what?!! The pharmacist said they could possibly do an override, but it would have to wait for morning. I still had enough left for that night, so my Husband left.

The pharmacist called this morning and said they couldn't fill it because I wasn't due for a refill. I told them to figure things out because I was out of drugs and needed some for tonight. Their current information said I was only on one vial of each. What?? I have never been on that low of a dose. I told them I was currently taking four vials of each every night and have been since last Monday. They said they would contact the clinic and get the prescription changed and then fill my order.

My Husband stopped by this afternoon to pick up the meds and they gave him FOUR boxes of each!! For whatever reason he didn't think to question things when he knew he was supposed to pick up a total of THREE boxes not EIGHT! I told him to go back to the pharmacy and have them fix things.

Cue bashing my head against a wall.......

I should have gone to the pharmacy myself, but my Husband works at the hospital where the pharmacy is located so we thought we were being efficient and saving time.......

I know in the grand scheme of things, this probably isn't that big of a deal, however I'm getting hormonal on these high doses of meds and everything is starting to irritate me. A lot.

Do not mess with a woman high on hormones.

You. Will. Not. Win!


 

Need Your Advice and E2 Result

You ladies always have the best advice.

I have three issues bugging me and wanted second opinions.

First issue. Should I do acupuncture or not?

I did a few sessions of acupuncture last cycle and I didn't feel any benefit from it. I didn't feel more relaxed and it obviously didn't help that cycle. But I feel guilty for not scheduling it for the day of transfer. I have found conflicting information. Yes, there are studies that say acupuncture on transfer day can increase the rate of implantation. Other information I found states the benefit isn't as much if you have to travel elsewhere to receive services. They say it has something to do with all the extra moving around going from one clinic to another, etc. I would have to go from the clinic to another clinic then back home after transfer. I'm so torn. Have you done acupuncture? What was the result of your cycle?

Second issue: I took this week off of work for IVF. No one at work knows I'm doing IVF. My follicles took their sweet time growing and so my transfer won't be until at least Monday when I'm supposed to be back for a four day stretch. Dr. RE says mandatory 48hr bedrest after transfer. I don't know if I should just call in Monday morning and say I'm out with a stomach bug for two days since a lot of that has been going around work, or if I should call my manager and tell her what's really going on. I work in a hospital so if your story is at all a little sketchy, people start asking questions. Add in the fact that in six years at my job and I can count on one hand the number of times I've ever called in sick. Yes, I know I've given my notice and will be done working there in six weeks, but still.

Third issue: My in-laws are staying with us Thursday night because they have an event to attend on Friday morning. My retrieval is supposed to be Friday. They have no idea we've even been trying and I most certainly don't want to clue them in at a time like this! Friday night they're staying with us again and want to go out to eat with me, Husband and my parents. What did you feel like after retrieval? Do I have to feign being sick or having an endo flare to get out of things? I'm also thinking my MIL will want to do some shopping on Saturday. Not good timing! What should I do??

Too many decisions. Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!

My E2 was 1082! Woot woot! I'm hoping this means all six follicles have good eggs in them!



   

We Have 6!

I couldn't believe the ultrasound this morning.

SIX follicles are growing.

They are all 14-16mm in size.

There are still several smaller ones hanging out, but I'm guessing at this point they're not going to catch up, but then again, I never thought we'd add another one. There's always hope!

I start Ganirelix tonight.

How fun. Three injections each night now.

My lining is a bit thin at 7mm, but that was up from 3mm on Friday.

They'll keep an eye on it, and if need be, add in some estrogen suppositories later, but for now they want to wait and see what my body does on its own.

A Friday retrieval is tentatively planned, with transfer on Monday.

Praying my six beautiful follicles contain six perfect eggs.

Grow follicles, GROW! Plump up lining, PLUMP!



 

There's Still Hope!

My heart was heavy going into my ultrasound this morning.

I had only been having the occasional small twinge on my left side and just a tiny bit on my right side. I really didn’t expect much, maybe one follicle on my left, at best.

Thankfully my Husband was able to go with me.

I was more than a little shocked to see follicles growing.

Follicles. As in more than one.

FIVE follicles to be exact! (cue happy dance!)

There are several smaller ones as well.

I was so overwhelmed seeing the follicles I had tears in my eyes.

None are over 10mm yet. The five bigger ones are all around the same size. My E2 is 183 which is appropriate for the number and size of my follicles. Dr. RE said it seems everyone is taking a little longer to get going on this round of IVF.

We’re moving forward. We’re closer to having a baby than ever before.

I know we have many hurdles left to go.

But today, I will celebrate!

The plan is to stay with the 600 ius and go in for another ultrasound and blood draw on Monday.

Grow my five little follicles, GROW!!! And tell your smaller siblings to catch up!

  

E2 Results and Moving Forward

After three days of stims my E2 was only 25. WTF?!!!

It didn't even double from my baseline appointment and it's much worse than last cycle.

I haven' t been canceled. Yet.

Only problem being there's not a whole lot more to do. I was already on 450 ius and now I'm getting bumped up to 600 ius. After our last cylce Dr. RE agreed to move forward even if we only had a few follicles. At this rate, I may not have any.

I was somewhat expecting a bad result, especially since my ovaries aren't bothering me.

But seeing my crappy E2 still hurt. A lot.

I spent a good two hours crying off and on. I just feel so hopeless right now. I feel as if there isn't anywhere to go from here. As far as IVF goes, we're benched for two years. And I don't know if that's even going to be something we pursue. I do know that even if we did IVF again, it wouldn't be at the same clinic. They're too small to cater to patients that are poor responders.

I don't understand my failure at IVF. On just the 50mg dose of Clomid I produced 3-5 follicles each cycle.

I think we'll try to do IUI in June. It may be taking a step backwards, but it gives us slightly better odds than trying on our own and we still have insurance money left to use. That's the frustrating part. If we stayed in our jobs here we would still have enough for almost two more tries at IVF. But that is most definitely not an option.

Stupid companies that don't cover infertility treatments.

We're just really sad and frustrated. We'll proceed with what's left of this cycle. I have an ultrasound and another E2 level on Thursday. Hoping for the best, but expecting the harsh reality.

Thanks everyone for the support. It always means so much to me, but more so during times like this.



  

My E2 is 25 Fuck. Me.

E2 Monday

I'm freaking out about my morning labwork.

My canceled cycle was hinted at by a low E2 level on the first lab draw. Last time it was 75 after three days of stims.

I have been praying all weekend my level is higher this time. I haven't noticed my ovaries much today. I'm hoping that's because it's still early. I'm probably a little crazy, but I wish my ovaries were hurting so I knew something was growing in there!

The meds must be doing something. I've been having fairly frequent hot flashes and I've started having night sweats. It's so sexy. This morning my Husband came home after working a night shift and crawled into bed. He proceeded to snuggle up next to me.

Me: I'm really hot.

Husband: I know you are, rawr! (...lots of groping...)

Me: No, not THAT kind. I'm hot. Like, sweating through my jammies hot.

Husband: That's gross, so much for that idea!

The things we will go through to have a baby....!



  

Here We Grow!

Friday was my baseline appointment.

Bob the ultrasound tech scared me a bit. He was doing the ultrasound and all of a sudden said he needed to switch to an exterior view. Of course panic settled in as I thought something might be horribly wrong. I asked if he found something that will delay my treatment. He said he was having a hard time getting a good visual of my right ovary.He said ovaries move around more than we think and that everything looked just fine.

I didn't ask what my antral follicle count was. Although I will admit I cheated a bit. I watched the ultrasound and counted about 7 of them on my left ovary if I was seeing things correctly. And since we didn't get a good visual on the right ovary I don't know what's happening on that side.

I asked Dr. RE how many follicles they would expect me to produce and the response was 6-20 with the added comment that even 3 would be good. Ummm...that's a rather strange answer?! The Dr. I saw today is not my main one and I really don't really like her. 

Injections went well the last two nights. The first night it burned like crazy. My husband did that one. I did the second one myself and it wasn't as bad as the first. Maybe the problem is him and not the medicine! : )

It feels like something is already growing in there. I've had a little bit of discomfort on my left and a couple twinges on my right. Any changes in my ovaries and my body feels it as the ovaries rub up against my endo.

My lab draw was awesome on Friday. I was a bit worried since the last three times have been awful. I drank a bunch of water the night before and drank some more when I woke up the morning of. The tech got it on the first try. The girl in the next curtain wasn't having as good of a day. By the sounds of it they were on poke four and moving on to her hand next. Poor thing.

I am hoping my body is responding well to the drugs and Monday's lab will bring good news.

Grow little follicles, GROW!!