Am I Ready For This???

I'm learning the emotional roller-coaster most certainly does not end once you become pregnant.

We went from cautious optimism to feeling good about this pregnancy.

And now I'm starting to freak out about having a baby to care for in six months.

And it's possible I may have had a meltdown last night.

I can't be the only one to feel this way. We've spent so many years trying to get pregnant and that's what occupied my mind. I spent little to no time thinking about what happens when a baby actually shows up - the idea of us finally having a baby seemed so foreign.

Our families have been pestering us about what they can get for the baby - and although it's really sweet of them - I'm just not ready for some of that stuff. We talked about it earlier this week and decided we should start a registry before our parents start buying stuff we don't want. I set one up and added just a few things before I had a near panic attack. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and no business doing it.

Morning sickness is finally letting up and I have not felt her moving yet; so I think there's a disconnect in logically knowing I'm pregnant and having any tangible proof. I would assume it makes it more real when I start to feel movement, or at least make it a little harder to be in denial.

I wonder if it will be a little more challenging for us to transition to having a baby after being just the two of us for so long. The one good thing infertility has done is strengthen our marriage and I know together we will figure out this whole expecting a baby thing. Even if it is a bit scary to think about right now.

BEST. DAY. EVER.

12 weeks tomorrow.

Today we found out our DAUGHTER is chromosomally NORMAL!!!

Beyond blessed!

It Doesn't Matter

When you're in the trenches of infertility and someone complains about their pregnancy you want to strangle the person. You vow to never be like them and to appreciate every time you feel sick and throw up.

And then you get pregnant.

And it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter how many years it took and how much heartache you went through.

When you're vomiting for the third time in a row and you pull a muscle in your neck from vomiting so hard and you're pretty sure part of a cheerio is now lodged in the back of your nose, it doesn't matter. You're completely miserable and all you want is for it to stop. Or at least let up enough for you to take a shower. And you finally understand and appreciate why pregnant women complain.

Morning sickness sucks. And it was really awful for a couple of weeks. More recently I've had the occasional few hours break from feeling like complete crap. I am very much looking forward to the end of morning sickness - if I'm lucky it will be done in a few more weeks.

I'm also ready to be done with the PIO shots. I hate them with a passion. They seemed to get a little better after the first couple of weeks, however, the past several days my butt is just done. My husband has run out of places to stab me where it doesn't hurt. 

It doesn't matter how miserable I've been lately - I would do it all again for our baby. I am so incredibly in love with our little one. 

7w4d

We had another perfect ultrasound today! Baby measured one day ahead and had a heart rate of 160!!

I also had my first OB appointment today. It was so surreal going through that appointment. Everyone we spoke with at the clinic was so incredibly supportive and happy for us. They know our history and they seem almost as excited as we are!! The nurse gave me a really big hug when she came to get me from the waiting room. Crazy to think of all we've been through the past five years and what a relief to finally be receiving good news.

Other good news from my appointment is the massive cyst on my right ovary ruptured. Over the weekend I had some sharp pains around the ovary and I felt really sick - in addition to the nausea my stomach hurt all day long. Morning sickness has been a little less the past couple of days so the timing of the pain and feeling really sick point toward the cyst rupturing over the weekend. I'm just so thankful we don't have to worry about it anymore.

Next OB appt is five weeks from now. Next ultrasound is in a week. I'm really going to miss the weekly peeks when they come to an end.

Oh. And my husband had the nerve to ask my OB when the mood swings will stop. I don't know who wanted to smack him more, me or her. She did say it is common for infertility patients to have more anxiety. I'm trying to just focus on the positives and I am enjoying this as much as possible.

We Have a Heartbeat!!

6weeks4days

We had another ultrasound today. Baby measured at 6.5mm. Heartbeat was measured twice and showed 114 and 119 bpm!! I spoke with the nurse for my local OB. She said those measurements all looked great and I'm scheduled for my first OB appointment next week!

I was so freaking nervous this morning. I woke up at 4am and could not fall back to sleep. I was almost shaking by the time I got up on the table. I couldn't even look when the tech was first looking. And then there it was - the flickering heartbeat clear as can be! I made the mistake of reading a bit online and thinking that the heartbeat needed to be over 120 so I was freaked out at first when the first reading was 114. But after speaking with the nurse and doing more research in medical journals I'm feeling much better about things and know I'm in the normal range.

Seeing the heartbeat today has definitely made things more real. Of course we're not out of the woods yet, but having a heartbeat today dropped our miscarriage rate by a lot. And for now I'm going with the positive knowing that we have well over a 90% chance of bringing this baby home!

ONE! Perfect Baby

5weeks4days

First ultrasound today showed one perfect little baby!

Ultrasound next week should show a heartbeat!

I can't remember the last time I was so happy!

BEST. DAY. EVER!!!

Second Beta Results

We needed to see a level of 664 today.

It was 1380!!!

9dp5dt ~ 166
13dp5dt ~ 1380

Shit just got real!!

I'll eventually update more later. I've been walking on a cloud since Friday and now I really can't concentrate on anything!

9dp5dt...beta is 166...

That is all.

IVF #11 4dp5dt So Far, So Good

Not much to report so far. The day after transfer I had some obvious twinges right in the middle of my uterus. My progesterone check came back at an awesome 63 today. I think things are going as well as they could be. Hopefully our little embryos are snuggling in tight.

I find I'm not obsessing over this cycle. I must have enough other things going on it keeps my mind occupied. Or maybe I'm just getting more relaxed about the whole process since I'm on my fourth transfer. I find myself with the urge to go for a run or do some aerobics. I just want to get up and move. Instead I'm following the advice of my acupuncturist and Dr. Y and I'm taking it easy. Mostly. I have run a few very quick errands and right after I make myself lay down for a bit. Previously I was content in taking it easy and this time I just want to be really active. Maybe that's a good thing.

I read back through my February transfer. I had the sensation of periodic "orgasms" even when I clearly wasn't doing anything. I haven't had that exact feeling this time, but ever since the day after transfer, anytime I'm laying down, it feels like there's a strong pulsing down there - increased blood flow? Who knows. We'll find out in five days.

IVF #11 ~ Best Transfer Yet

Transfer went as well as I could have hoped. Dr. Y is getting good at fitting the catheter through my cervix. I tried a new acupuncturist. They're located in the same building as my clinic so I was able to do pre and post transfer sessions. They were amazing. I was seriously stressed from a horrible travel day yesterday thanks to United and I left my first acupuncture appointment completely relaxed with a smile on my face. I was feeling so good I wasn't even bothered by the two idiots that brought their children to the clinic.

We transferred two embryos. 4AA and 4BB. My lining even plumped up to 10 from 8.2 on Friday. Immediately after my transfer I relaxed in recovery listening to my circle and bloom meditation and then switched to classic music when that was done. After we left the clinic we headed back to the acupuncturist where I had another great session. This time the acupuncturist invited my husband into the room and let him lay down on a bed next to me. We both had a very peaceful mini-nap. I spent the rest of the day relaxing at our hotel. Tomorrow we plan on relaxing on the beach and soaking up the awesome weather here. It's going to be so hard to leave on Friday!

Nine days from now we'll find out if our little ones snuggled in. I hope they choose to stay, I love them. A lot.

Evil Progesterone

There are few things I truly hate in life. PIO is one of them.

Hubby went to give me my injection tonight and midway shoving it in my butt the darn needle decided to fall off creating a PIO explosion. So of course we had to do it all over again.

This sucks.

Good news is my progesterone level was 46.16 today.

I'm actually happy and excited for our transfer Wednesday. Almost five years into this circus and I know by now - either this will work or it won't. But I've never regretted putting my whole heart into my embryos.

Hang tight little ones, I'll be bringing home two more of you soon. Maybe we'll even visit the beach before flying home.

IVF# 11 Moving Faster Than Expected

Of course. Of course my body just does whatever the heck it wants to.

So my Lh randomly surged and was 41. My E2 was 550 and P4 was 1.08. Basically my body decided today was ovulation day. So instead of an anticipated transfer next Friday it's going to be Wednesday.

I'm starting progesterone tonight. PIO and oral progesterone. I wish my body utilized the suppositories better. It took many months for my poor little butt to recover last time from the PIO. I do another P4 check on Monday. We'll fly out Tuesday and home on Friday.

Of course I have a lot of other things going on. Like a sick pet and having to re-home another recent pet that is just not happy here. I've cried non-stop for the past three days. Darn estrace is making me hormonal.

Time to focus on me and not the chaos around me. I'm going to squeeze in some extra acupuncture before we leave and possibly another massage since I'm so tense from all the stress.

Yikes!

IVF #11

IVF#11 Natural FET. Well, mostly. I'll be on some estrace and of course progesterone after trigger.

My cycle has started out awesome so far!

Baseline yesterday. My rock star ovaries had their finest showing ever with an antral follicle count of 20!!! My E2 was 53 and FSH 12.1. This actually would have been an awesome cycle for mini IVF, oh well! My progesterone also had its finest showing ever at 0.23!! Praying and hoping like crazy my progesterone stays low. My doctor wants me on some estrace starting tonight. Next monitoring is CD 11 next Friday. I'm feeling good about this cycle. : D

Final Embryo Report and Next Step

Well, we didn't end up with nearly as many blasts as I had hoped.

We have one perfect day 5 blast.

And one perfect day 6 blast.

By day 5 one blast was frozen and one embryo had stopped growing sometime between day 2 and day 5. The other three were at the cavitating stage (day 4.5). By day 6 one more blast was frozen and the other two cavitating ones arrested. This has been my lowest blast formation rate. I'm kicking myself for not staying with a lower dose of meds. But it's done and over with now.

Next step is to wait for my next period to start.

I need my lining to grow nice and plump and the biggest issue is for my progesterone to be less than 1 at the time of trigger. I'll be scheduling acupuncture and massages over the next few weeks.

Praying and hoping we get good news by the middle of October!

IVF #10 Retrieval and Fertilization Report

Retrieval was yesterday. It started out so well...

I was the first retrieval of the day so the clinic wasn't busy at all when I arrived. When I was laying on the table getting prepped I looked over at the computer monitor. They post how many follicles you have on each side. This is also the first time I noticed they list what number retrieval this is for a patient. I was on my sixth retrieval. Somewhat depressing.

My clinic doesn't use any anesthesia for retrievals. I know some ladies cycling there will self medicate prior, but I've never taken anything for it. It hurts, but it's over fairly quickly. The initial poke was probably the easiest one I've had at the clinic. But then the doctor kept pulling the needle all the way out after every couple of follicles. And it became progressively more painful. I ended up getting stabbed in the vagina four times. FOUR. TIMES. (I usually get poked once by each ovary. Then it's just a little poke going into each follicle). The last follicle he went after was pretty small, about 10mm. Follicles that small don't contain mature eggs and if they do get an egg, they usually don't mature in the lab, either. But for whatever reason he decided to go for it and before I could say no he was stabbing the follicle. Only follicles that small are hard to penetrate. The first poke didn't go through. So he pulled back and tried harder, this time stabbing it hard enough the needle blew through the other side of the follicle. But he did get the egg. Oh well. I really expect this to be my last retrieval. I'm thankful I'm done.

When it was all over with I ended up with seven eggs! Today the report from the lab was one egg was degenerated (basically over-cooked) and one egg was immature (hmmm, bet it was that really small follicle...). The other five were all mature and fertilized!

Grow little embies, grow!

Let's Get This Cycle Done

IVF #10 Trigger tonight.

I'm triggering with a little bit higher dose of lupron than normal. I have 6 follicles ranging from 13-18mm and several under 10. I also have a little cyst that will hopefully get aspirated during my retrieval, but possibly not since it's only 7mm. I would expect 5-6 eggs and 2-3 blasts. I just really hope we get day 5 blasts. Retrieval is labor day morning. Which I suppose is somewhat fitting.

Let's get this cycle done and over with so I can concentrate on a transfer next cycle! If my body follows its normal pattern I would expect to be transferring the very end of September/early October. And this is assuming my progesterone level cooperates. Good thing we're not transferring this cycle since it's already at a 2. I also have a TSH level in about a week and a half. It will be interesting to see what difference the synthroid has made.

IVF #10 CD 9 Results

Had blood work and ultrasound done today.

My follicles are not growing as quickly as they normally do. I ended up sticking with half a tab of clomid with an extra half on the days previously designated for me to take the gonal f boosters.

 FSH 10.9 E2 410 LH 11.8

I have six follicles growing that are between 10-14mm and a bunch more smaller ones.

Plan is to double my clomid dose and do a couple of shots of gonal f. I really didn't want to do them, but I think it will help get my follicles growing.

Follow up on Saturday.

This actually helps a lot because if I had to fly tomorrow flights are ridiculously expensive.

I just want this cycle to be over with already.

IVF #10 Baseline...and Making My Own Protocol

I had a fabulous baseline appointment earlier this week.

My FSH was stellar at 7.7. I had 8 measurable follicles and there were smaller ones they didn't measure. The biggest five were between 7mm and 8mm. My protocol was to take half a dose of clomid and then do some boosters of gonal f. It's the same protocol I had last month. I feel like the gonal f compromises my embryo quality. In the cycles I've used it I have made day 6 blasts. My best mini cycle was just half a dose of clomid and I made two perfect quality day 5 blasts. I had my doctor call me to discuss my concerns. Basically, he knows I'm being reasonable and is leaving it up to me to decide to do the gonal f, just the half tab of clomid, or substitute the gonal f for a little more clomid.

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

I'm leaning towards doing the extra clomid. I'll see how I feel this weekend when it's time for a booster.

I also ran my plan of doing a transfer on my next cycle and he said that would be just fine. He told me I could do a transfer this cycle if I really wanted to and my lining cooperates with the clomid. I thanked him for the option, but declined. I just don't want to be second guessing myself for transferring an embryo during a stimulation cycle.

Fingers crossed and lots of prayers for some high quality blasts this cycle!

IVF #10 Double Digits...

Today is lovely cycle day 1. Baseline appointment tomorrow morning. The plan is to do another mini banking cycle. I hope to get at least one or two more day 5 blasts. If this cycle goes well, then we will proceed with a transfer the following cycle.

Several weeks ago I started on a little bit of synthroid. After my ectopic I had my local OB/Gyn run a few tests including tsh and free t4. I'm pushing the borderline of being hypothyroid so I spoke with the doctor in CA and he though it was worth trying to bring my tsh level below 2.5. I do feel a little less cold and not as tired/rundown so hopefully it's doing something. I would like it to be in range for our transfer cycle. Next blood draw for my tsh level is in September.

Let's get this show on the road!

Good News and Family Drama

Good news is my dad completely misunderstood his skin cancer diagnosis. It was squamous cell, NOT melanoma, thank goodness! And the margins were clear on the first sample and the second surgery was to clear a wider margin. He should be just fine. We still haven't heard the pathology from the second surgery, but we expect it to be clear. This is why you take a family member with you for these things!

The last couple weeks, actually month, have been crazy with various amounts of family staying with us at different times. This week was my side of the family. And it was great, minus my mother. She seriously has some major psych issues that need to be addressed and likely medicated. The last straw for me today was how she treated her teenaged grandchild. There's absolutely no excuse for making snotty remarks to a child. Ever. My mother does not have a close relationship with any of her children and she never will. And if she keeps up the crap she pulled today her grandkids won't have anything to do with her either. I don't even know how to deal with her anymore. I live in the same city as my mother's parents and do a lot to help them out so there is always going to have to be some form of communication with her. I do my best to always be polite and kind, but more often than not, it doesn't matter. It's so ridiculous to see a woman in her 60's throwing actual tantrums when things don't go the way she thinks they should. Yesterday she threw a huge tantrum over poptarts. Yes, poptarts. It was pathetic and embarrassing. I need to stop thinking about all of this before my head explodes.

Proof My Mother is F_ing Messed Up

So my siblings and I received the following group text message last night from my mother.

Yes, I said TEXT message...

Thought you should all know- your Dad had foot surgery a week ago, the doctor sent the piece of skin they cut out to the lab, it came back skin cancer, the doctor wants to take him back into surgery on Wednesday to cut out more. I'll keep you posted. His doctor said in his 26 years of practice he has never seen skin cancer like that on a foot.

She didn't even tell us he had surgery in the first place, so this was completely out of the blue. I read the text and went to tell my husband. I couldn't even speak. I just handed him the phone and he made the comment, why do you look like someone just died?

I of course immediately called my Dad to find out WTF is going on. He's so clueless and nonchalant about it all. I asked my Dad what kind of skin cancer. He said he didn't know. I listed the three basic types and his response was, yea, melanoma, that's what the doctor said. The surgery on Wednesday is to try and get clear edges and to see how extensive the cancer is. There is the possibility he could lose his toe. Knowing my Dad he's probably had this on the side of his toe for a very very long time. I can't even look at google right now.

Day 6 Embryo Update

Sadly, one of our little embryos didn't make it. The other one reached blast stage and was frozen. I'm so conflicted right now. I have no idea if I should bank again or just get on with a transfer. I wish someone would just make the decision for me. I think next week I will ask to be put on my doctor's call back list and see what his opinion is. Why can't anything about this ever be easy!

Day 5 Embryo Update

Out of our three good looking day 2 embryos, we had one frozen today with a grading of 4AB. Very good! The other two were lagging a bit and were at the cavitating stage which is the stage right before blastocyst - typically seen on day 4 1/2, so they're really not too far behind. Hopefully they will make blast by tomorrow. Praying they make blast. I really really really don't want to have to do another retrieval.

Day 2 Update

I was a little bummed about not getting an update yesterday since the clinic doesn't email on Sundays, but by waiting until today, the day 2 report was also included and I love getting any extra info!

Five eggs were retrieved. Three were mature and and fertilized. The other two eggs were immature and they did not mature by the next day. The three that were still growing today all had the same grading of 421. This means they each had four cells, there was less than 10% of fragmentation (fragmentation has to be 0% to score a 1) and the cells were even in symmetry. Pretty darn good if you ask me!

My travels home yesterday went about as smoothly as they could have. I have never been so happy to fall asleep in my own bed. I have just a few more errands to run today before I can snuggle up on the couch with my DVR and maybe take a little nap.

Next report will be Thursday. I'm hoping and praying all three of our embryos grow into beautiful blasts. It would be nice to look forward to a transfer in September. Grow little ones, grow!

IVF #9 Retrieval Results and Chaos

What a crazy day and a half I just survived. I received orders on Wednesday to trigger Thursday night. My flight to California was booked for Friday. (If you want to skip the long story about my adventures, feel free to skip to the end to find out the retrieval results).

On Friday my day started by going to acupuncture. Upon checking in I discovered they failed to put my appointment in the computer when I called the previous day. (Never mind that over two days I called repeatedly to try and make an appointment and kept getting put on hold for 5min + each time) Thankfully my acupuncturist squeezed me in.

We ended up booking my flight to leave from a city 2 1/2 hours away because it saved about $500. Usually the city we live in is cheaper than the one I drove to. Friday after lunch I jumped in the car and went on my way. I gave myself a good buffer and made it to the airport with more than enough time to spare.

I had already checked in for my flight so all I needed to do was drop my bag and go through security. My bag was small enough to qualify for carry-on, but with only a 45min layover I didn't want to deal with dragging it through the airport. The agent at the counter must have been new. Or lazy. He took f  o  r  e  v  e  r. And not one, but TWO people cut in front of me. Apparently giving the person at the counter in front of me four feet of personal space is an invite to cut in line. I had lots of time so I didn't let myself worry about it.

I proceeded to the security line where a lady got in line behind me with her three bratty kids. She was one of those parents that obviously have absolutely no control over their kids. I lost track of how many times I got kicked or had one of the brats yank on my backpack. It took all my strength to not say or do anything.

I made it through security and grabbed a bottle of water and a snack. I then sat and watched my plane land and sit a ways back from the gate for over an hour. Apparently the airport was extremely short staffed and there wasn't an agent available to deplane. Finally boarded the plane almost half an hour late. I was starting to panic as I only had a 45min layover. Once everyone boarded the pilot told us there was a ground stop in Denver and they were waiting for more info. After 45min the pilot announced we were going to de-plane. Then he decided not to. Then when we finally got clearance to fly, an hour and half after we were supposed to leave, a passenger decided she wanted to get off because she didn't think she would make her connection. And of course she had a checked bag.

During the time spent waiting on the plane as I was in panic mode. Freaking out trying to search for alternative flights to get me to California. My husband was at home doing his best to help as well. Luckily due to the weather my connecting flight was also pushed back because the plane was flying in from elsewhere. Finally flying into Denver the storms had recently cleared and we flew right through the middle of a beautiful double rainbow. That had to be a good sign, right?! As soon as I landed I discovered I had very little time to make my connection as the delayed time on my connection had been bumped up. We landed at some gate in the 80's and my connection was leaving from gate 20. If you've been to the Denver airport you know how freaking long it is. Here's where my last minute decision to check my bag totally saved my ass. My first flight was on an itty bitty plane that makes you tag your carry-on to have it stowed below. If I had to wait for my bag and drag it with me I never would have made my connection. I was the first one off the plane and bolted. My decision to start running a month ago paid off yesterday. Although, I did manage to lightly sprain my foot running in my flip flops. Another saving grace was the connecting flight was delayed 10min due to a delay on getting luggage transferred. I arrived gasping for air as the last few passengers were boarding. I have never been so happy to collapse onto my seat.

Flying into Orange County I was looking out the window to see if I could spot my hotel. I found it and then I noticed we flew really low right past the airport...and then we ascended a little and kept flying...out over the ocean...and we kept going...and then the plane dipped and turned...by that point I was completely freaking out. I kept looking around the plane and NO ONE else seemed to notice what was happening. The final destination movies kept popping up in my head. It was creepy. Finally the pilot came on. Apparently the flight deck screwed up and had the plane coming in too close so we had to fly out and turn around.

I was so very very happy to finally be on the ground in Orange County. I made my way down to baggage claim to wait for my bag and discovered it didn't make it. I spoke with someone and they assured me it would arrive the next morning and be delivered to my hotel. I always carry most of my essentials with me in my backpack. Only from now on I will start adding a change of clothes. And true to their word, my bag was delivered to my hotel right when I got back from my retrieval.

Retrieval was scheduled for 9:30 and I was to arrive at the clinic at 9. I checked in and waited. And waited. And waited. Ten minutes before my scheduled retrieval I was stressing out and went up to ask the receptionist why I hadn't been called back. She was rather bitchy about it and I returned to my seat and tried not to freak out. My mood certainly wasn't helped by the fact that not one, not two, but THREE stupid patients brought their kids with. The clinic has a no children allowed policy and signs are posted everywhere. Two of them had a spouse with so there was ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for their child to be there. Going through IVF for so long has made me very sensitive to that. It's bad enough my local clinic I monitor at dumps all patients together so I'm always surrounded by pregnant bellies there. Finally at 9:30 I was called back and the retrieval took place 10min after my scheduled time. They always take your blood pressure before the procedure and my first one was high enough the nurse made me retake it. Perhaps I wouldn't have been so worked up of they called me back on time and other patients were expected to follow clinic policy. I found out later they were running behind in the morning because several patients hadn't bothered to submit all the required paperwork before hand.

I had two large follicles on my right side and those didn't hurt very much. My left side had one large and four medium ones. My left side had always been painful. I'm sure it's a combination of endo and likely nerve damage from all my surgeries. And I wonder if where they took my left tube is still healing. The first four follicles went well, but the last one, not so much. The Dr. had a difficult time aspirating the follicle. He got about half the liquid and then waited for the embryologist to check the fluid. No egg was found so he went back in and was able to drain more of the fluid. No egg was recovered from the follicle. I almost wonder if it wasn't the cyst that was seen at baseline. Either way, it's drained. It was pretty painful near the end since he stabbed that last follicle so many times.

Ultimately five eggs were retrieved. Three from the largest follicles and two from the medium sized ones. Hopefully we will have at least three or more mature eggs. The clinic doesn't email on Sundays so I will have to wait patiently until Monday for an update.

Laying on the table for retrieval and it was emotional hard thinking that I was last there five months ago for my transfer. I'm not one who really goes looking for signs, but I do take note when things jump out at me. Once they had me in the stirrups I noticed the song Happy playing in the background. The song was pretty popular when I was pregnant so I heard it all the time and it was very fitting up until I lost the baby. When I was back resting after the retrieval the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen was playing. I listened to it so many times after my grandma died this winter because it helped comfort me. It brought me peace today as well.

Praying and hoping we end up with some great quality blasts. We decided to go with the two cycle package. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to keep doing IVF. It's getting really old and I do worry about the wear and tear on my body.

Checking out after my procedure was an ordeal. Our embryo storage fee was due in May and we had sent in the payment by filling out the credit card authorization. We never got another bill so we assumed it was taken care of so I was caught off guard when they said we hadn't paid it yet. After some frantic messaging with my husband we discovered they never did charge our card. All is well now.

I'm looking forward to returning home tomorrow. There's a 30% chance of thunderstorms in Denver tomorrow, but since there's no rush to get home I won't be panicked if there are any delays. Good job making it to the end of my long story. I typed it all on my phone so any errors will have to wait until I'm home before getting fixed.

IVF #9 Trigger Tomorrow

Cycle day 9 monitoring results this morning: FSH 9.7 LH 8.8 E2 1235
Follicles: 18, 18, 13, 12, 12, 11, 10

My meds this cycle were for half a tab of clomid and I did gonal f 150ius on CD 6 and 8. I am to continue the clomid today and tomorrow with the Lupron trigger shot tomorrow night. Retrieval is set for Saturday morning!

Flights are crazy expensive this time. By far the highest prices we have encountered in all my trips to California. Usually we can get a round trip ticket for $500 or less and this time the tickets are closer to $1K. Yikes. We're still looking though and hopefully a good deal will pop up.

We're still trying to decide between the two or three cycle package. I'm hoping I can decide after the egg retrieval. Depending on how many I get I think will help me finally decide. I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes.

Injection Pen - Not For Me

This cycle I'm doing a couple of booster shots of gonal f. The prescription that came from the pharmacy was the gonal f in the injectible pen. I've only dealt with vials previously. After using the pen I'm really not impressed. To start with, if I have to read the directions more than once to figure out what to do, and squint at the diagram multiple times, the process is already too complicated. It's bulky and clunky and takes way too many steps. It's awkward to inject. Give me a powder vial and saline any day. So much easier, faster, and insulin needles inject it so much smoother. I've already decided that if I ever need more gonal f I'm requesting the vial form. The pen is just an over priced novelty. And the biggest issue I have is that if you draw up a dose that is too much, you're screwed and have to waste the meds. No thank you! I prefer to have more control over my high priced meds.

IVF #9 Learned Something New

You know how some people stop keeping track of their birthdays? I'm thinking I should stop keeping track of my cycles...it's depressing.

Well, looks like I have a little cyst hanging around. Dealing with cysts is something new for me. There was a larger one last cycle that I canceled, but I didn't think much of it since we didn't go ahead with the cycle. Baseline showed a 14mm cyst which I've come to learn is relatively small. FSH was 17.2 and E2 was <20. My AFC was at its lowest ever at 8, but since we're not going for large quantities of eggs I'm willing to move forward with the cycle. After some internet digging it seems to be common to have fewer antral follicles on a cycle when you have a cyst. I know it fluctuates, so I'm not too worried at this point.

Orders are to take half a tab of clomid daily and I'll do two booster shots of gonal F on CD 6 and 8. I monitor again on CD 9.

We need to decide soon on which cycle package to go with. Prior to having my last cycle canceled and now dealing with a cyst, we were leaning towards the two cycle package, but now I'm wondering if we shouldn't go with the three cycle. If I could choose how things worked I would get at least 2-3 high quality blasts this cycle, and then transfer after taking a month off. But as a back-up, if this cycle doesn't end with good blasts, then we would bank again before transferring, which is why I was leaning towards the two cycle package. But now that this cycle is looking a little iffy, I wonder if we shouldn't go with the three cycle package just in case. I just don't know what to do and my husband is of no help whatsoever. He's given me the "whatever you think is best" meaning he hasn't put much thought into it and he doesn't want to get blamed if the outcome isn't what we hoped for. He is a great support, but sometimes, I just wish he had more of an opinion.

All You Need To Do Is Ask

I went in for an acupuncture session yesterday. My period still had not shown up. Apparently there are some points they can do to help get things moving. Well. It worked. Almost too well.

The moment I arrived home from acupuncture I had an intense hotflash for a good 15minutes. Ten hours after my session and my period arrived in full force. It has been awhile since a period has made me so uncomfortable. I was lucky if I had more than a couple hours of sleep last night. I really, really hate having to take anything for pain so I tried to do my best without it. Finally about 4am I couldn't take it anymore and caved and took two ibuprofen. Thankfully it helped me get a little bit more sleep when it kicked in. Still having some pretty noticeable cramping, but nothing a heating pad and a nap won't fix. I have my baseline scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Please let IVF #9 be a good one. Please.

Any Day Now Would Be Good

Impatiently waiting for my period to show up. I finished my two weeks of birth control. I actually stopped it a day early on Friday hoping to get things going quicker. The clinic is closed Friday for the holiday and I really don't want to deal with trying to get in to the walk-in clinic for my baseline monitoring. I had a few hints of cramping yesterday, so hoping!

My stress and anxiety have been not so great lately. I think I'm just fearful of things not going well. And of course the horrible miscarriage nightmares are certainly not helping. It's pretty awful waking up from one of those in a cold sweat and having heart palpitations. I've been trying to keep myself occupied to keep my mind from wandering. I've also come pretty close to the end of having things to research. When you've been doing IVF for as long as I have it is possible to finally have researched 'enough'. I'm sure that's contributing to my stress. All I can do anymore is wait and hope and pray things are finally going to work out.

Too Many Things to Remember

I did my trigger shot and started the birth control. A day late. Ooops. It's been so many years since I was last on a daily birth control pill that I just can't seem to remember to take the damn thing. I have a hard enough time remember to take all my supplements and vitamins every day. It's somewhat comical how ditzy I am trying to remember to take it. I suppose since I know it's only for two weeks my mind just decided to not take it seriously. Oh well. Only 9 more days to go. I have noticed that it seems to be giving me dry mouth that starts about half an hour after I take it and then lasts for an hour or two. I don't remember having that symptom before. But of course, when has my body ever acted normal. I'm guessing in about two weeks I'll be ready for baseline monitoring again. It would be really awesome if my body cooperates and I have good numbers. We shall see.

Resetting

I had a phone chat with my doctor last night. His thoughts are my body is a little confused yet since my miscarriage. My hormones and ultrasound make my body seem as though yesterday was more like cycle day 10 or 11 instead of cycle day 3. So I'm going to do a lupron trigger on Thursday this week and then on Saturday start taking birth control pills for two weeks. Hopefully this will reset my body and get my follicles and hormones back on track. My plan was to just wait another month, but I do like this more proactive approach. I know for some women with DOR birth control can be suppressing, but since it's only two weeks I'm willing to try it. And I can't remember having much of an issue in the past. This delay is very frustrating, but it's just one more step in our journey. I'm hoping my next cycle goes much better.

IVF #8 Canceled

And it's over before it barely got started. Frustrating.

I had my baseline appointment today. E2 was 151 Fsh was 4.7. The biggest problem was two lead follicles, one on each ovary - a 14 and 16. The third biggest follicle was only 6, so no chance of it or any of the smaller ones catching up. I called my clinic in California and had them cancel the cycle before the doctor even reviewed my test results. I asked to be put on the callback list tonight. I just can't foresee pushing forward on a cycle that will likely yield only 2 follicles. My last two mini cycles I had 9 and 5 follicles in the running. This cycle would be just fine for a natural cycle, but it's not what we're going for.

I wondered about this cycle. The last week I felt as though my hormones were way off. I was so ridiculously crabby - like being on lupron for endo crabby. And my basal temps were half a degree lower than normal. And I had an awful period - painful and tons of large clots. I did some castor oil packs this last month and while they're supposed to be cleansing, I wonder if it somehow played a role. Or maybe my hormones are still resetting from my miscarriage. Either way, my gut instinct is telling me to cancel, so I'm going to listen.

So I'm benched until next month. If my cycles continue their 26 day consistency my CD 2 monitoring will fall on July 4...guessing the clinic is closed so I will likely have to go through the walk-in clinic. I had to do it back in November, and while it worked out, it wasn't ideal. I had a huge go-around with the lab tech on releasing the results to me even though it is on the order for me to call the lab.

I just want to move forward already. It's been over a year since we started treatments again and it doesn't feel like we're any closer to having a baby. I know it's best to wait for optimal hormone conditions, but it still sucks waiting. I've been very careful with my diet since at least September and while I don't mind it, sometimes I just really want a little bit of junk food. Or dessert. Or a beer. It's funny how last spring/summer when I was drinking beer several times a week and indulging in the occasional dessert or junk food my hormones were in much better shape...maybe that's the key!

IVF #8 ... Yikes!

We're getting awfully close to double digit IVF cycles...

We have decided it's time to start doing treatments again. I go in for my baseline appointment on Monday morning. It will be interesting to see my hormone levels. We are doing a mini banking cycle this month. I'm guessing I will be on a little bit of clomid and do the Lupron trigger. Depending on how big my follicles start out I could possibly be spending our 5 year anniversary in California alone. I already spent Valentines' Day out there by myself. Oh well, my husband has to work on our anniversary anyways. We had always wanted to do an awesome trip at the five year mark, but thanks to IVF and other major expenses, that won't be happening. Our new goal is to do something big for our 10 year.

I've had a lot of anxiety the past couple of weeks. Not sure if it's still grief or fear about cycling again.  This will be my fifth egg retrieval and fourth trip to California alone, so I don't think that's the issue. I'm guessing I'm just fearful after having our last cycle end so horribly. I've always thought I had a good grasp on all the possible what ifs, but our ectopic caught me so off guard I think it's messing with my mind right now. I'm trying to stay calm and keep myself occupied.

Let's end this post with a funny story that only infertiles can relate to. My husband flew out to California about a week ago to freeze another sample. When he went to check out at the front desk the receptionist commented, "that was quick!" He said she was immediately embarrassed from blurting that out and stumbled over her words trying to cover. He just shook his head.

I Should Have Known

Today I had a dentist appointment. No big deal, just a routine cleaning.

My appointment was originally in March - the same day we had our third beta. I called the dentist's office when I got my result that morning and canceled my afternoon appointment. I was pregnant and there was no way I was taking any chances. I had the appointment rescheduled for today.

My dentist and hygienist know we've been doing IVF treatments. It tends to come up when I decline x-rays during a treatment cycle or my gums are more sensitive when I'm on stimulation meds. I thought it would come up but I just wasn't prepared for the tears that sprang in my eyes when my hygienist came in the room and had a big grin on her face and said, "so, I see you canceled your March appointment because you were pregnant...". Yea, the look on the poor girl's face when I told her we lost the pregnancy was awful. I think I ended up consoling her more than she consoled me. She is incredibly sweet and thoughtful and told me she would pray really hard for good news at my next appointment.

I'll take all the help and well wishes I can get.

Cycling Soon

We had originally planned to get back into a banking cycle this month, but due to circumstances beyond our control and some that were in our control, we decided to wait until next month.

Hopefully things will settle down around here in the next couple of weeks. My husband needs to fly out to California to deposit another sample since we've used up the three vials we had from before. He's making it a quick trip since he's been busy with work and other projects.

If we do decide to go ahead with the next cycle, then I would fly out around the late middle part of June. I'm kinda ready to get this show on the road. It's time to move forward and I'm ready.

My grief has been easing. Some days still sneak up on me. It didn't help last week when we visited several different friends who all had babies in the past year. It was hard. Very hard. I went out to visit my grandma's grave on Mother's Day. She was the closest thing I had to a good mother growing up so it seemed only fitting I visit her on the day. I think it was therapeutic for me to go out there. I cried some hard ugly tears and although it left me exhausted I think it was a good release. I didn't bother even texting my own mother. It still deeply disturbs me she has yet to acknowledge the loss of our pregnancy. I did send her a card. Late. On purpose. Go me. I have a core group of friends that really get what I'm going through. They were amazing. Each one of them sent me a message on Mother's Day acknowledging my heartache. That kind of support means everything to me.

For now, I'm just hanging out, trying to stay healthy and relaxed.

Moving Forward

I had my post op appointment last week. Everything is healing well. I asked the doctor if she saw any evidence of new endometriosis growing when she was in there. She said she did not see any new spots and also the scarring was minimal and she didn't see any obvious adhesions. It's been two years since my last surgery for endo and the doctor that did my surgery used the laser removal that is supposed to fully remove the spots, and obviously it worked! That was a nice bit of good news in all of this. Of course, there can always be micro endometriosis hanging around, but I'm happy there were no obvious implants.

I also spoke with my doctor out in California. He told me that out of the four years his clinic has been open I am only the second patient that has ended up with an ectopic. I looked up the CDC and clinic stats and estimated the clinic has probably done two to three thousand transfers. With only 2 patients having ectopics, that put my odds of it happening at 0.07%. Talk about really shitty odds. No wonder he didn't initially believe me when I first called to say my local clinic was suspicious of an ectopic.

I went in for a second opinion from my local ob/gyn that sees all my results come through when I'm cycling. I love that she has also gone through IVF so she gets my craziness. I had lots of questions and she helped answer them and put me at ease. I had her run a few tests that I haven't had checked in a while. I wanted my thyroid checked again since there's a family history. Everything came back in the normal range and I was negative for thyroid antibodies. It helps knowing we don't have that to worry about as well.

Of course my period started on the one month anniversary of losing our baby. It was almost as gross, heavy, and painful as the period/bleeding I had after the ectopic. It has only been 28 days since I had my period after surgery so I am thankful things seem to be trying to get back to normal quickly. Hopefully my next cycle starts on time, too.

Our tentative plan moving forward is to bank for one or two cycles and then attempt another transfer. I like taking a month off in between cycles to give my body a break and by doing that if we did two banking cycles it would be September before we transfer again. That just seems like a really long time from now. Depending on how our first banking cycle goes, we may just proceed with a transfer after that cycle. We're still debating our options. Dr. Y did say I could proceed with a banking cycle when my next period starts, so I could be back in CA later in May.

Knowing we made a chromosomally normal baby gives us hope that we are getting closer to a take home baby. Dr. Y said it was encouraging that we did get pregnant, even if it was in the wrong spot. I'm really hoping our next transfer is the one for us.

I'm excited, hopeful, and absolutely terrified.

Normal

The results finally came back from Mayo today.

Our baby was chromosomally normal.

The report did not specify gender, and I really do feel okay not knowing. I almost think it would be even harder to know. It does bring some reassurance that we can make a normal baby since we have never tested our embryos. It just makes me sad our baby didn't stick in the right spot. We nicknamed our baby turtle when I was pregnant and that is the name I will always think of when I remember our  baby. Today I would have been 11weeks2days. Frustrating how I can't get that timeline out of my head. Every Wednesday I think of how many weeks I should be. I'm guessing that will haunt me until our due date in November.

One Month Since We Said Goodbye

It's hard to believe it's been a whole month already. I think I spent the first couple of weeks in shock. I still think of and greatly miss our baby every single day. It was sad watching my early symptoms of pregnancy fade away. It's also hard having the scars on my belly as a constant reminder of my surgery. I'm sure the sadness will fade over time. I'm still grateful I was able to experience pregnancy, even if it was only for a moment.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

It’s waiting season. I’m waiting for results from Mayo to find out if our baby was chromosomally normal. I’m waiting for my beta to finally hit 0. I’m waiting for my cycle to return to normal so we can move forward.

I do not do well when I don’t have specific goals and tasks with deadlines. Open ended timeframes make me lazy. For example, there are so many projects I really should get done around the house. But not one of them has a specific deadline so therefore I’ve had a difficult time getting myself motivated to do them. I’m usually not this complacent about getting things done. I think a large part is that I’m still grieving. Grieving and waiting on results.

The tears still come about once a day.  Sometimes I may cry for several minutes and other times it may be as mild as watery eyes. I have some incredible friends that recognize the importance of checking in with me even though it’s been a few weeks since we lost our baby. All it takes is a simple text message letting me know they’re thinking of me.

I’m still waiting for my mother to acknowledge my loss. We’ve never gotten along due to her horrible treatment of me since forever. Some may wonder why I even still communicate with her. But cutting off communication with her would likely mean losing touch with the rest of my family and I’m not willing to do that yet. I definitely set boundaries with her. Because of the issues I have with my mother I didn’t tell her about our miscarriage until two days after it happened. She always adds to the stress in my life and I just couldn’t deal with her on top of emergency surgery. (It should be noted that both of my siblings completely agreed and supported my decision on this). She’s pissed I didn’t tell her sooner. And that’s probably why I haven’t heard anything from her. No text, no email, no phone call, no card, nothing. She was even in town a couple of weeks ago and stopped at my house to pick up something and she hardly said a word to me. The way she works is that this is my entire fault because I didn’t tell her. She obviously has mental health issues. The most frustrating part is that she has no self-awareness when she hurts other people. Instead it’s their fault or they’re being too sensitive and blowing things out of proportion. If I decided to even try to discuss this with her my head would probably explode with the asinine reasoning she would come up with. It’s a no-win situation for me. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. You can’t reason with her like a normal person. She doesn’t get it and is also good at making completely ridiculous assumptions. You would think after a lifetime of her treating me this way I wouldn’t care so much. I guess I just keep giving her the benefit of doubt. Because what mother wouldn’t be supportive after hearing her daughter went through something so horrific? Mine, that’s who! After discussing things with my husband I will be keeping an even greater distance between me and my mother. And I will not say one word to her about any future infertility treatments. If she doesn’t want to even try to be a good person, then she doesn’t deserve to be a part of my life.

I’m lucky that despite having a crappy mother I have a really great group of close knit friends that I can rely on whenever I need to. They’re there for me and they understand what I’m going through. All that matters is I have people that love and care about me. Those are the friendships and connections I need to put my energy into.

Frustrating Recovery

I've been making progress, but it's of course been slower going than I like.

It took until yesterday to finally be able to button my jeans AND be able to sit with them buttoned without pain. The bruising below my belly button was quite extensive. It's also very annoying that the other two incisions are right on the front of my hip bones. I get the point in putting them there to disguise the small scars they will leave behind, but any pants I wear rub against them. The red rash and bumps on my butt from the PIO shots are finally fading. My butt still hurts from the shots. The pain has gone down, but it still hurts when it gets bumped and I have random sharp shooting pains. I went for a walk the other day and I attempted a mild jog. Not a good idea. The pain in my butt was unbearable. I was planning on starting running this summer, but that just isn't going to happen. I tried to do some digging on the internet and it looks like the pain from PIO shots can last for many months. I know one good friend that did them and two years later she can still feel the scar tissue when she runs. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I had another beta today to see if my level was negative yet. Last week it was down to 15. Today it was 3. I was all excited to be done with them until the nurse told me the doctor that did my surgery likes to see it at 0 or 1. So I have to go back next week for another beta. I'm incredibly frustrated by that. Next week is also my surgical follow up appointment. I'm guessing that won't be much of anything. I'm really hoping my cycles get back to normal quickly. I know it can take awhile after a miscarriage.

Our plan moving forward is to do more mini-IVF banking cycles before transferring. We have been blessed to have insurance coverage for IVF, however we are getting close to maxing out the benefit. Last year we spent over $20k on medical bills, including the cost of travel. I'm guessing we will spend more than that this year. We're going to do the three cycle package my clinic offers for around $12k. It includes three retrievals and three transfers. The monitoring will be covered by what we have left of infertility insurance money. We are going to do two mini banking cycles and then a transfer. If that transfer doesn't work, then I'll use up our last retrieval to bank again. Then we will proceed to transfer the remaining blasts. If none of them stick, then I think we will be done. I can't keep doing IVF forever. It's been almost a year since we started at our current clinic. Frustrating to feel that we haven't gotten anywhere. I'm guessing the earliest I will be able to do a banking cycle is the end of May, then another one in July and then a transfer in September. I prefer taking a month off in between cycles to give my body a break even though it does stretch out the timeline.

And of course, as always, I will be hoping and praying for a miracle baby to just pop up on its own.

After an Ectopic

Our situation still doesn't feel real to me. I'm beginning to think it never will.

And maybe that's okay.

TMI ahead...

We continued the PIO shots after surgery. Sadly, about four days after, I started bleeding. The next day I started passing clots and a lot more blood. We stopped the PIO shots at that point since it was obvious my body was already expelling my lining. Sadly, no miracle baby popping up in the uterus for us.Those first several days of shedding my lining were h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. I would be resting in bed and suddenly feel a warm slimy sensation and would find a massive puddle of tissue and blood. If it's this bad after such an early point in pregnancy I don't think I want to know what it's like after giving birth.

Recovery has been about what should be expected. Part of me thought I should feel normal already. But then I remember that this was my third laprascopic surgery in five years and realize there is no way for me to be back to normal less than two weeks out. My boobs finally started getting the message and stopped hurting a few days ago. They're still bigger than normal. I had lots of hot flashes and night sweats the last week. I'm sure it's from my progesterone level dropping and probably my other hormone levels dropping as well. My poor butt is still a bit itchy and has red spots from the PIO. The pharmacy gave us needles that were too short the last time and so the PIO wasn't getting in deep enough. It gave me awful itchy rashes around the injection sites of my last several shots. My butt still hurts from the shots. It's still sore and occasionally has sharp stabbing pains. I wonder how long that will linger. Not fun at all.

My incisions are healing fairly well. Although, now I have an internal stitch poking out of each incision on my hips. The three incision sites are still tender to the touch, however, the bruising is finally starting to fade. Post-op I also had two red spots near my belly button. After a couple of days they scabbed over so we figured they must have been burn marks. I'll be asking about those at my follow-up since it's not something that should happen. I remember in recovery and back in my hospital room the nurses being concerned about those spots. I'm guessing the doctor will know more. Overall the swelling in my abdomen has gone down enough that I can finally button my pants. Although, I still leave them unbuttoned and hooked together with a hair tie since when they're buttoned it puts too much pressure on my belly when I'm sitting.

I have a repeat beta Monday. I got to skip one this last week since we were out of town. (I don't recommend going out of town for any reason in the week following surgery, but it was planned months in advanced and the doctor cleared me to go). I have to do them weekly until they're negative. Since I had my period and it's done now, I'm hoping I'll just have to do the one beta. My poor veins are getting so beat up. 

I'm going to wait until I have a normal cycle, then we'll do another mini-IVF banking cycle. Hopefully we will be ready for a retrieval by the end of May. We're down to four blasts, three of which are very poor quality. We will eventually transfer all the blasts we have, but obviously the poor quality ones don't have the best chance which is why we want to bank some more first. I'm guessing it will be the end of July or early August before we're ready to try another transfer. That seems like a very long time to me.

For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

p.s. (Fuck you to the stupid grocery store that still had St. Patrick's Day cards on display today. The holiday was two weeks ago and your evil reminder made me cry for two hours straight. Assholes.)

Close Call

The emotional shock has slowly been wearing off. The reality of our situation has been sinking in a little more each day. Two days ago it hit me how close we came to a very disastrous situation. I never had any obvious signs of an ectopic. No cramping, no bleeding, and no one-sided sharp pains. Had we not been monitoring this pregnancy with early ultrasounds there would not have been any warning of an impending rupture. When I finally went in for surgery the doctor said my tube was already starting to rupture - there was already bleeding going on. She was shocked I still wasn't having any symptoms. They even asked me on the OR table before I went under if I was having any symptoms and I wasn't. Makes a person think about the what-ifs....

I have been struggling with the loss of our baby. I know an ectopic is not viable and we did what absolutely needed to be done, but I still struggle with the loss. My husband who has been so close by my side had a thoughtful way of putting our situation into perspective for me. He said with this ectopic he was either going to lose both of us or one of us. And he's happy I'm still here by his side. Why yes, I did dissolve into tears hearing that.

There is no way to even begin to make sense of our loss. It's one of those very unfortunate things that can happen. All we can do is be thankful for the time we had with our little one and start picking up the pieces to move forward. This baby gave us hope. We have hope that we still have a chance of someday having a healthy baby. Even in the depths of our sorrow we can still look forward to our future. For now we will grieve, and when we're ready, we'll start working towards our next baby.

Our Baby is Gone

I am not able to even begin to wrap my mind around the last couple of weeks. Our ectopic was such and extremely rare event for a couple of reasons. Ectopics are rarely seen in 5 day transfers. Blasts are so close to implanting they just don't travel much. My left tube is the one that was supposedly blocked for the last two years or more from inside my uterus. It's the tube we never should have had to worry about. Adding these things together and I just can't make sense of what happened. I don't think my doctors can either.

We had a repeat ultrasound and beta on Monday. My beta was still going up, it was over 6700. After reviewing the ultrasound the doctor did feel it was most likely ectopic. Nothing was seen in my uterus except for the same fluid that was there on Friday. I asked her to consult with my doctor in California before we went ahead with surgery. She got a hold of him right away and he agreed with moving forward with tube removal. I had to report immediately to the hospital admitting. I first started crying as soon as I got to my room on the surgical unit. The nurses were very sensitive to my situation, it makes a huge difference having kind staff helping you. There were a couple of other emergent cases before mine so I had to wait about 2 1/2 hours.

I had a complete meltdown outside the operating suite. There were three very kind nurses there with me and I just started bawling. I told them right at that moment I was pregnant, but when I left the OR I no longer would be. Up until that moment my baby was still alive and growing. I mentioned a little bit about what we'd been through to get up to that point. I had two of the nurses in tears by the time we actually moved into the OR.

Post-op was a nightmare. I have never been so nauseous after surgery. I'm sure the fact that in the previous 24 hours all I had eaten was a granola bar had not helped my situation. They maxed out on nausea meds and were mentioning that I may have to stay overnight if I didn't start feeling better. I sucked it up the best I could and pushed for home. Once home I had a very long night. I was up every 45-60min to pee and my whole abdomen hurt from surgery. After about 4 hours of being home the nausea finally started to subside.

Tuesday I just munched on cheerios and applesauce and gatorade. My in-laws drove eight hours round  trip just to see us for two hours. That was extremely thoughtful of them. My doctor thought the odds of a viable pregnancy in my uterus is extremely low at this point, but gave us the option of continuing the PIO shots just in case. My husband wants to give it a chance so we are going ahead with them until a beta next week.Today I am feeling better. I haven't taken anything for pain since last night before bed. My appetite is slowly returning. I removed the bandaids from surgery and my scars look ugly. Not sure what happened to the one on my right hip, but it's over an inch long and very bruised. And after three laps now my poor belly button will never look the same. It even looks like it's struggling to stay an inny.

Emotionally I am still completely numb. It seems like this was all a very bad nightmare. Of all things to happen. We were so cautious, but then our betas kept doubling at good rates. And then we get hit with this. I think it's going to take some time to grieve this loss. I don't know how long it will take for me to accept that our baby is really gone.

It's ectopic

Going in for surgery tonight. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the fact that my baby is going to be cut out of me. This is just awful.

This is Just Mean

It's official. The universe hates me.

My local clinic called and checked up on me on Wednesday morning. They asked if I wanted to come in for another beta and of course I said yes. You dangle extra monitoring in front of an infertile and she's going to take you up on it. Beta was 1893. A respectable increase.

My local doctor has also been following my case. I have only seen her once previously and that was in July to get a referral I needed for my doctor in CA to be covered in-network. After seeing my ultrasound Monday and my beta Wednesday, she wanted me to come in today for another ultrasound and beta. Beta today was 3800, a little more than double from Wednesday.

Background: This is important - two years ago when I had my last surgery for endometriosis the doctor found that my left tube was plugged from inside my uterus from endo. She did not try to clear the area because she felt it would cause scarring and that would be permanent. She has rarely seen tubes reopen, but it has happened.

Monday's ultrasound showed a possible growth in my left tube. Today that growth was much larger. There was also something seen in my uterus. My doctor told me that if I was a normal patient I would be in surgery right now having my tube removed. But, since we've been through so much and I'm not having any pain, she is willing to let me coast until Monday. The spot in my uterus could be fluid from the ectopic or it could be the other embryo. That's also why she's willing to let us wait until Monday. The on-call doctor has been notified so if I do have to go into the ER they will know what's going on. And of course my local doctor is off next week, so she's talked with another one of the OB/GYN's to follow me on Monday.

So basically the damn thing planted itself in the last place I ever expected. I finally get pregnant and it's going to end like this. This feels really cruel.

Yesterday I asked my acupuncturist if there was a way to tell if I'm having a boy or girl. He said there is a theory, although he has not found it to be anywhere near consistent. However, he checked for me, and in following with the Chinese theory, it's a boy.

Update: My IVF doctor in California called me back. He is not 100% convinced it's ectopic, but of course he acknowledges he hasn't seen the ultrasound images. He said there could be another issue in my tube. He said it's very rare for a day 5 blast to wander into a tube. He also doesn't feel that a rupture is imminent because usually that happens when your beta gets higher and the pregnancy is further along. But of course I am still to report to the ER if any symptoms arise. He thinks the ultrasound will hopefully show more on Monday. If it is ectopic he recommends removing the tube since we transferred two and if there is a viable pregnancy in my uterus he doesn't want to risk harming it.Basically we are just playing a waiting game.

More Bleeding and an Ultrasound

I woke this morning to bright red blood that was enough to almost be a light flow. I called the clinic and they had me go in for an ultrasound. No gestational sack was seen. I'm 5 weeks 5 days. I know my uterus is tilted so that could possibly be a contributing factor. I have a repeat ultrasound and a beta level next week. My poor cervix was not happy during the ultrasound and it caused quite a bit more bleeding. As of this evening the bleeding seems to have tapered off. I still don't have much of anything for cramps. Just mild twinges randomly and my cervix felt sore for awhile after the ultrasound this morning. No clots either. On bedrest until next week. I'm also drinking water like a fish. I know things aren't looking good, but I'm still trying to keep a calm and positive mindset. Bedrest is proving to be a challenge. I can't lay on my stomach because my boobs hurt and I can't lay on my sides or back because my butt hurts from the PIO shots. One day at a time...

Bleeding Scare

Yesterday I didn't feel the greatest. I had a queasy stomach in the morning and the afternoon I had hot flashes. By the evening I was having some mild cramping so I laid on the couch and drank some water. The cramping soon subsided. Last night I had several spots of pink and then it turned to brown. Not enough to even be close to saturating a light pad, but more than just spotting.

I called my doctor first thing this morning. They had me go in for blood work. Apparently sometimes progesterone can dip and cause some bleeding. My beta was 682 and is a 46.95hr doubling time from Tuesday. My progesterone was 22.5. My doctor wants me to add the dreaded PIO shots on top of the endometrin suppositories. Not exactly what I wanted to be doing, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep this pregnancy safe. Next follow up will be an ultrasound early next week. I haven't had anymore bleeding or spotting and I've only had a few small twinges.

This was quite a scare, but after seeing my beta I'm feeling better. My amazing husband has been waiting on me all day. He's doing his best to keep me distracted. Praying our little turtle is still hanging on.

Happy

I am choosing to be happy.

Our journey has been so long and so hard at times. I am choosing to be happy about our current pregnancy. I am 5 weeks today! My orders from my beta yesterday were to follow up with an OB ultrasound next week. My doctor obviously feels confident enough in my beta results to move forward. I don't have any more blood tests scheduled before the ultrasound. If he's not worried, then I'm not going to be. I feel peaceful and content about this pregnancy. I am going to enjoy every moment for as long as we have it. I'm choosing not to obsess and worry. I am trying very hard to stay away from Dr. Google, aside from looking at the developmental stages. I'm taking care of myself and getting in some extra visits with my acupuncturist. I'm minimizing any stress in my life. My heart and soul are focused solely on the little one growing in my belly. I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some really really good news next week. So until then...

I am choosing to be happy!

30.47 and 100th Post

I finally hit 100 posts on my blog!

It has taken a long time and a lot of heartache to reach 100 posts.

But.

For once, I have GREAT NEWS!

30.47 is my doubling time since last beta.

Beta #3 was 222!

Quick Recap
Beta #1  9dp5dt  16
Beta #2  11dp5dt  25 (doubling time 71.44hrs)
Beta #3  15dp5dt  222 (doubling time 30.47hrs)

I'm happy, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time.

Trust me, I know my numbers are still low.

Although, if you think about it...let's say little turtle implanted two or three days later than the average. Then my beta numbers would be within the normal range. I'm embracing the good news for as long as we have it.

4weeks6days pregnant!

PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE
LET THIS FINALLY BE OUR TIME!!

Maybe it's a Turtle

Beta #2 was 25.

Doubling time of 71.44 hours.

Early betas should double every 48-72 hours, so we just barely fall into that category. Believe me, I know my beta is still very very low.

I haven't received my orders from the clinic yet. I'm guessing it will be to repeat beta on Monday. I was a bit frustrated by the number, but my husband really wants to give it every chance we can, and I agree.

This isn't over yet.

Perhaps we have a turtle - slow and steady wins the race...

Hoping and praying we have a turtle!

Let's Hope it's a Very Late Implanter

After having a negative test on Sunday I vowed to not test again.

So of course I caved yesterday morning.

BFN.

Then I woke up today, beta day. I figured since I had one test left from the three pack I might as well pee on the damn thing. Up popped a barely there line.

It was very very faint.

Beta was 16.

Yea. It should be like 50+ today at 9dp5dt.

It's higher than beta during my October cycle. It was 7 then. That time I peed on sticks and the line kept getting darker for two days until beta morning when it was really faint.

So of course I decided to test again tonight. And the line is significantly darker than this morning. And it's a lot darker than any of the ones I did in October.

Perhaps we have a late implanter?

I spent the day with Dr. Google and he came up with at least half a dozen stories that ended in a take home baby.

I'm expecting the worst and hoping we have a snowball's chance in hell it will work.

Symptoms are still pretty much a lot of cramping. I did have a tiny amount of  tingling in one of my boobs earlier this evening. I still don't have progesterone boobs. And they're not blue and veiny looking like they were for my October cycle, so who knows with them.

Plan is to recheck beta on Friday.

Fingers and toes crossed until then!

6dp5dt Very Odd Symptoms

I have to be brutally honest. I just haven't been feeling this cycle. I was so attached to our little blasts last cycle. This cycle? Meh. I feel responsible for them, but that emotional attachment just doesn't feel strong like last time.

I have been relaxing and taking great care of myself. Yea. Right. Who am I kidding? I flew home Wednesday and had to deal with family emergencies on Friday and today.  So much for resting and getting a good night's sleep.

I feel a lot different this cycle. I still don't have the overly inflated and painful progesterone boobs. Last transfer they exploded before the transfer even took place. Up until today I haven't felt even a glimmer that things have worked. I even took an HPT tonight and it was negative. It was deflating even though it was in the evening and I hadn't waited long since the last time I went and I know too that frozen embryos can take longer to get going.

But then, implantation spotting happened. It was a lot more than last transfer and it happened a day later. Not long after that I had a very sharp pain right in the middle of my uterus. I even went and laid down for several minutes. I've had some decent cramping the rest of the evening. And I had a few sharp pains in one of my boobs. So I guess that's something.

The most bizarre symptom has been a rather embarrassing one. I pretty much ignored it and moved on. But then I googled symptoms 5dp5dt and when I started reading up I found other people posting about the same bizarre symptom and it almost always ended in a BFP. A few times in the first several days after transfer it would suddenly feel like I just had an orgasm. So weird, right?! I would just be resting or trying to take a nap and out of nowhere my body would be all happy and I would be completely confused by this - wondering if I missed something that was fun and exciting!! Very strange thing to have happen.

Only time will tell what this cycle will ultimately bring. First beta is Wednesday.

Progesterone is Good

My progesterone was checked again this morning. It was 40.3. Yay! I'm to keep taking the endometrin and wait for beta next week. I'm surprised I don't have 'progesterone boobs' this time. They're not sore or swollen which is so nice. Although I'm sure it's coming! I've had a few sharp little twinges today, hoping that's the babies settling in. I really want this cycle to work, although I feel much more guarded than our last cycle. We'll know for sure in 6 more days!

Textbook Transfer

Today was transfer day!

Dr. Y said my transfer was textbook perfect. Not sure if he was complimenting me or himself! ; )

The fresh embryo from this cycle was not yet a blast today so they will culture that one and hopefully it will make it to the freezer by tomorrow. I'm not too worried as I have four other blasts that took until day 6. This means we transferred two frozen blasts today. My lining was fluffier than last transfer and Dr. Y seemed to have an easier time getting through my cervix. They had me rest a lot longer this time. I lounged in recovery for an hour. Pretty sure they kicked me out after 20min last time.

Prior to transfer I had an acupuncture treatment. I relaxed a lot more this time during my session and left feeling refreshed. It was a little nerve wracking having to drive myself back to the hotel after transfer. Luckily it was a quick and uneventful drive. I've been lounging and taking it easy since. I plan on taking it easy again tomorrow and then flying home Wednesday. I do love the weather here, but I'm looking forward to getting home to my husband.

No PIO for Me!!

I'm doing endometrin suppositories this time for progesterone support. I did one tab on Thursday and two on Friday so I was a bit nervous to get my lab result today. My doctor wants to see a level over 20 and mine was 32.47!! Yay! I am so relieved. If the level is too low then he has you start on the dreaded PIO shots. No. Thank. You. I don't have personal experience with them, but I've heard plenty of horror stories. Couple that with the fact hubby isn't with me this trip and I'm pretty sure I would have been a complete mess. One of my good friends did PIO for her unsuccessful IVF cycle and two years after she said she could still feel injection sites whenever she was running.

Out of the three different suppositories I've used now, I like the endometrin the best. It comes with applicators and doesn't make much of a mess at all. And of course it's one of the most expensive. Crinone just builds up into a giant ball with a dried cottage cheese consistency that you end up removing manually...ew. The ones I used in October were a pharmacy compound. Those were greasy and made me feel like I had an oil slick going on 24/7. I'm quite happy to stick with the endometrin.

Transfer is Monday afternoon. I'm getting excited!