16 Weeks

We received the results of the genetic blood test and we're having another healthy baby! My husband was a little disappointed they didn't accidentally include the gender - but I'm more excited than ever to wait now! I finally got over that miserable cold after 7 long weeks. I'm feeling really good with this pregnancy. Still the occasionally icky feeling in the morning for an hour or so, but it's completely tolerable.

My last my OB appointment I found out a few more things about what having a geriatric pregnancy means for me. Apparently my doctor will not let me go past 40 weeks since there's a small increased risk of stillbirth past that time. Which my husband was excited to hear as he's not wanting to share his birthday with baby and now with the 40 week deadline set, that isn't going to happen...unless...I get induced and it takes a few days...which after 42 hours of labor with my daughter...it could potentially happen... I will also start getting weekly ultrasounds at 36 weeks. My doctor did say I'm just on the early side of being geriatric so she's really not too concerned with me.

This baby is a mover! I have been feeling this one so much more than I did with my daughter at this point and some of the kicks are pretty strong already. Last night my husband was laying in bed with his arm on top of the covers and stretched across my belly and he was actually able to feel the baby kick through the down comforter! Hopefully it won't be too much longer before the kicks are obvious enough for our daughter to understand what they are.

Night weaning has finally taken hold. Nursing the rest of the time has significantly dropped off as well. Now it just seems she wants to "nurse" and by "nurse" I mean squish her face into my boob. She mostly does this at nap and night time. She still will occasionally nurse some, but it's like my boobs are her security blanket. I've ordered a couple different styles of blankies to see if she will take to one of those now that she's almost done nursing.

The biggest news in the last week, my daughter finally slept through the night!! It only took 16 months! She slept a nine hour stretch, followed by two rough nights that I think were teething related, and last night was a seven hour stretch. Progress is finally being made!

Next up is the anatomy ultrasound in four weeks!

Baby Kicks and a Cold

I was 11 weeks on Thursday. I still can't believe I'm on this journey! My belly has popped already. A few days ago I dug out my maternity clothes and helloooo stretchy panel pants! Forgot how comfy those are! About four days ago I felt movement for the first time. I was laying in bed and had rolled over to snuggle up to my husband when I felt baby flipping around in there. It was a very soft fluid movement - kind of makes me think of a goldfish swimming in there and bumping against the sides. I've had a few more pronounced movements since then. Yesterday early morning my daughter was sleeping in bed with me and her leg was laying across my lower belly. I felt baby kick her twice! That will be fun when I'm further along and she can really feel baby move in there!

I did the early prenatal blood test. I'm considered a high risk pregnancy again and I'm also now considered a geriatric pregnancy at the ripe old age of 35. So I guess that also automatically covers the genetic screening. I came so close to checking the gender box, but then decided to keep with my original plan of not finding out with this baby. Only 29 more weeks until we know!

I've also been battling a bad cold/bronchitis for a full month now. It's similar to when I was sick during my pregnancy with my daughter. Only that time landed me in the ER with a 102+ fever. I finally started antibiotics two days ago and so far no noticeable change. I really hope it gets better soon because I'm at my breaking point. Pregnancy + nursing + being sick = one really miserable mommy.

We've been trying to night wean our daughter. Three weeks in and it's not going well. I'm getting so frustrated. The first night she was up every hour. The next few nights she was sleeping 4-5 hour stretches. After a little over a week she went back to waking up every 1 1/2-2 hours and it progressed to her becoming very angry in the middle of the night. So the past couple of nights I've been letting her nurse at 2am. It seems to be helping somewhat. Maybe she's just not ready to be completely night weaned yet. We have less than 7 months to get this figured out before baby comes.

9weeks

We had another ultrasound this week and my first "official" OB visit.

Baby was a little rockstar! Measured one day ahead with a heart rate of 178! Lots of wiggling around in there and waving their little legs!

We have decided we are not going to find out with this one. Speaking with friends who have not found out they all said just how awesome it was to find out the moment baby was born, so we're going to go with that this time! I'm thinking boy because I've had one dream already it was a boy and this pregnancy feels so completely different from my daughter. But who knows, we'll just have to wait and see!

I'm thinking baby will share a room with big sister. Baby will spend most of the first year in with us and we plan on moving before our daughter starts kindergarten so they wouldn't actually spend too much time sharing. My daughter's room is huge so it should be very easy to fit two kids in there. We have another room on the main floor we could use for baby, but it's our home office right now and with as much as we use our home office I really don't want to move it downstairs. Especially with my husband having to do a lot of work from home on the computer - it's so much more convenient to have him on the main floor where we spend most of our day. We need to finish two bedrooms in the basement and once that's done we are setting up a playroom downstairs so maybe we will eventually move the office down there. I'm not going to stress about it right now. It is kinda funny how much I wanted everything in order for my daughter and this baby, I'm just like, meh - it can wait - all we really need is the bassinet set up and some diapers - amazing how quickly your attitude changes from one to two!

I've now graduated to a more typical pregnancy monitoring schedule. We will do the early prenatal blood test again with this baby - only without knowing the gender!

Still in complete shock we're even on this journey right now - but so incredibly blessed!

6weeks6days

One strong little baby still growing away in there! Heart rate was 127! Measured 6weeks3days. I could have ovulated a day late and it was another abdominal ultrasound on a crappy machine so I'm not really concerned about it measuring a little behind.

Next visit is in two weeks for my first "official" OB visit and another ultrasound. I also asked for a referral to a dietician. With my massive blood loss a few months ago and now still breastfeeding while pregnant I really want to make sure I'm meeting my nutritional needs.

Morning sickness has only been a few fleeting moments. I was puking by this point with my daughter. I've felt more sick this afternoon but wonder how much of it is related to my daughter having a bad cold and going on three nights in a row of very little sleep. I've had way more fatigue with this pregnancy - all I think about all day is how much I wish I was sleeping....

So very grateful to be where I'm at right now.

I still feel like I'm living in a dream...

5weeks5days

We had another ultrasound today. We have one strong little baby in there! Gestational sac measured 5w4d and the yolk sac was visible. Only ONE baby in there. The other spots we saw last week did not appear to be there anymore. Although today they just did an abdominal ultrasound instead of a vaginal ultrasound so the picture wasn't as clear. Still no sign of an ectopic pregnancy. They will continue to monitor this pregnancy very closely. I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week. Should have a nice strong heartbeat by then! I'm still feeling really good. Morning sickness has not hit yet so still consuming all the healthy food I can. I could not stomach any raw vegetables my first trimester last time and only limited cooked veggies. I really need to push good nutrition this time as my daughter is still nursing. Speaking of nursing...sensitive pregnancy nipples make for an almost painful nursing experience. I'm also starting to really feel letdown again. My daughter shows no sign of wanting to end her nursing and she's cutting a bunch of new teeth right now so I'm going to hang in there as long as I can. I know how nutritious breast milk still is for her - especially as she gets more into this picky toddler stage. We'll get it figured out. I also contacted my doula today and she's available and happy to help me again! Just under 8 months to go!

5 Weeks 0 Days Beta & Ultrasound

My beta this morning at 21 dpo was 3151!!

My doctor wasn't in today and the nurse I spoke with after getting my blood result tried to get me to wait until tomorrow for an ultrasound but I absolutely insisted on coming in today. So they set me up with an NP instead and yet, my doctor ended up being in the clinic this afternoon and reviewed my chart anyways.

Ultrasound was interesting. There is a tiny little cyst on my left ovary they plan on keeping a close eye on. In my uterus....well...I've had so many ultrasounds over the years so I'm fairly familiar with what I see on the screen. My husband was with today as well. We both saw the tech measure three different little sacs in my uterus. Only at the end of the ultrasound did she point at the biggest of the three and called it a gestational sac. So....what were the other two spots??? (I knew better than to ask this particular tech - she gets very defensive very easily.) She measured all three of them and typed in gest. sac on the screen with the measurements each time. Unless it's so early and those other two were a little smaller that they just don't mention them?? I asked the NP when we saw her afterwards and the tech didn't make any notes about the other two spots. But with my beta being so high and the sac(s) being so small yet I can't help but think maybe we're looking at multiples?? How absurd would that be!

Next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday. They wanted me to go a week, but with my history I refused and insisted on an earlier appt. Another 5 day wait it is...

Doubt Creeping In...

Second beta yesterday at 14 days past ovulation was 256!!! Doubling time of 25 hours. To compare my daughter was 166 at the same point! The result made me feel better that we hopefully have a viable pregnancy.

Then last night I started having sharp periodic pains on my left side. I was also having a very dull ache around my left kidney. It freaked me out. I spent the whole night worrying. I have not had any spotting.

Other pregnancy symptoms are starting to pop up. My boobs have gotten a little bigger. I'm bloated and my little pooch is already starting to feel a little more solid. I can only imagine how ginormous my belly would get with another pregnancy. I was finally getting my core strength back before my ectopic three months ago and surgery ruined all my progress. I was just starting again on an exercise routine. Oh well. It's all worth it for a healthy baby!

Tonight I'm feeling more calm as the random pains seem to be done.

Ultrasound next Thursday! Hoping I can keep my sanity until then. This wait is so much more excruciating than my IVF cycles - I know too much about what can go wrong.

Praying we get good news next week!

I'm An Infertile Cliche

Apparently you can get pregnant from having sex.

Apparently. 

We struggled with what to do for permanent birth control. Ultimately I talked my husband into we decided to let nature take its course over the next six months. If at the end of those six months I wasn't pregnant we were going to do a frozen embryo transfer. My reasoning was I didn't want to have surgery just to get my last tube removed. I figured if I ended up with another ectopic I would have my last tube removed along with it. So my plan was to buy a stockpile of cheap pregnancy tests and I would test every month regardless if my period showed up since my last ectopic was outside my uterus and I had a period 18 days prior to it rupturing. I was also going to start paying attention to our cat who seems to really like sleeping on top of me at night when I'm pregnant.

About five days ago I started having some very familiar mild cramping. I somewhat entertained the thought, but ultimately decided, no, I was crazy, because when does something like that ever happen?! Then four nights ago the cat started sleeping on me at night. Yesterday afternoon my stash of cheap pregnancy tests came in the mail. It was also what should have been the start of my period as my cycles are fairly consistently only 25 days since I have a short luteal phase. For some inexplicable reason I felt very happy to see those tests in the mail. I took one with to the bathroom. It's the wondfo brand and it's a very basic dip stick. I watched the urine soak up the little stick and the control line pop up. But no second line. I started cleaning up and when I looked back at the stick to throw it away...

holy shit...two lines...

I was pretty much in shock. My husband was downstairs and I called him (because I'm lazy like that) and asked him to come upstairs. He asked what for and I said to just get in here it's important. He came in the bathroom and asked what's up? I pointed at the test and said - you tell me!

I came to my senses shortly after and called my OB office. They put in for a beta and progesterone level. My beta was 71 at 12 days past ovulation. I go in for a repeat tomorrow and another one next Thursday. If my Hcg is high enough Thursday they will get me in right away for an ultrasound since I'm at such a high risk for a repeat ectopic. My progesterone was on the lower end at 18 and I'm starting suppositories since I have had issues in the past with low progesterone.

I'm probably crazy, but I just have a sense of calm and optimism about this little baby chillin in there. I'm usually very intuitive when bad things are about to happen and I haven't felt even the slightest twinge of worry. Of course no one will know for sure until we have confirmation. And for some reason I've already been referring to the baby as her. Perhaps our daughter will have a little sister come next April?!

So yea...

Apparently you CAN get pregnant from sex...

Conflicted

My beta finally hit 1, or negative as the clinic called it. Twice now I've had to follow my beta down after an ectopic and it was equally awful both times. Although this time I was finally smart enough to get my blood draws at a lab location that rarely sees pregnant women or children. I'm so over getting my blood drawn. I have crappy veins to begin with. Then add years and probably 100+ blood draws at this point and yea...blood draws suck. 

I did some research about repeat ectopics. Because I like to torture myself. The odds of having a second ectopic is 1/10. Which I obviously hit the crap end of those odds. The chance of a third ectopic jumps significantly to over 50%. And it's even higher if you had surgery to resolve your previous ectopic(s). Basically that's what happened this time. Sperm found the egg I ovulated on my tubeless left side and the fertilized egg had no where else to go so it decided to settle in on the outside of my uterus. 

So I'm almost guaranteeing myself another ectopic if I were to get pregnant naturally. The science literature recommends IVF for repeat ectopic patients, however, my first ectopic was from an IVF cycle, so where the hell does that leave me??? 

Logically and from a medical standpoint it would be advised I don't ever try for pregnancy again as the odds are not in my favor. Even if an ectopic was caught early, it wouldn't prevent having a 5th!! laparoscopic surgery. 

Emotionally...it's not that easy....

From the second I held my daughter in my arms I knew I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to grow another human and care for and raise another child. Prior to infertility I saw myself having 3-4 kids. It goes without saying I know how blessed I am to have my daughter. Wanting a sibling for her doesn't take away from how much she means to us - quite the opposite - we love her so much we want more than anything to give her a sibling.

But...my daughter almost lost her mom. You don't realize how much becoming a parent changes your way of thinking. I almost died and instead of thinking about it from a self perspective my focus has always been more about what almost happened to my daughter - what she almost lost - the thought makes me sick to my stomach every. single. time. 

I recently had a follow up with my internal medicine Doctor (so someone who does not do any OB) and asked him his thoughts. He's been in practice for 30 years and I respect his opinions. We had quite the conversation and his ultimate conclusion was what happened to me is as close as it gets to losing your life and that maybe we just hold on to what we already have in life - one beautiful and healthy child with both her parents alive and well. 

I'm just so conflicted. In hindsight we should probably have had my right tube removed during surgery. Then my uterus would have been completely sealed off making IVF a relatively safe option. But being the emergency it was there wasn't time for those kind of thoughts or decisions. I could decide to have my right tube removed now, but of course that would mean surgery. And it would permanently remove the option of a natural pregnancy. And for some reason the thought of that makes me really really sad - even though I know how dangerous another natural pregnancy could be. I also can't even begin to think about doing the logistics of IVF out of state again now that I have a child. 

It's all frustrating. And sad. So much sadness surrounding our limited options. I know we'll eventually make a decision. And someday I'll find time to grieve all the losses surrounding this ectopic. 

Conflicted...and sad...

Surprise Natural Pregnancy...Ended in Ectopic...

Earlier this past week I ended up in the clinic for what I was assuming at the time was a ruptured cyst. Instead I went downhill very very quickly and shortly after the PA came in to examine me I was being wheeled to the ER and after a CT and blood work I was rushed into emergency surgery. We had our Life IVF baby 10 months ago and out of six years of trying for a baby I've never had a natural pregnancy. My previous two chemical pregnancies and previous ectopic were from IVF cycles. I lost my left tube two years ago from the ectopic and this natural pregnancy decided to set up shop right next to the nub that was left on the outside of my uterus. I had no clue I was pregnant. I had just finished a period (since the pregnancy wasn't in my uterus) and was on cycle day 18. What I thought was a cyst rupturing was instead the pregnancy. I lost two liters of blood. Thankfully my doctor was able to stop the bleeding and she saved my uterus and my right tube is still intact. Our baby was 6weeks1day. I have a very long road to recovery ahead of me after losing almost half of my blood volume. But I'm thankful my daughter still has her mom.

Future IVF Plans for #2

Has it really been 7 1/2 months since baby girl entered our world?!!

I love my little girl like crazy. We're still trying to figure out a schedule and most days I feel like I'm winging everything, but we get through it. A quick update on baby - she's still growing like crazy. Best guess is she's about 18lbs right now. She's wearing 9-12 month clothing. She has her bottom two teeth and I think she's starting to work on the top ones. She crawls like a champ and pulls herself up to stand on anything that's at least four inches off the floor. I've decided this is the give mom a heart attack phase as every time I turn around she's pulling up on something. She's taken some pretty good tumbles and I've just accepted the fact most days she'll be sporting a bruise or two on her forehead. She desperately wants to walk and has started moving herself along furniture and has even transferred from one piece of furniture to another. She will frequently use just one hand to hold herself up and occasionally has balanced for a moment or two without holding on to anything. I really wish she wouldn't walk until a year old, but I doubt that will be the case! Her core muscles are crazy strong - she's done several sit-ups from laying flat on her back. I never would have guessed I would have such a strong baby! Several weeks ago we switched to baby-led weaning and it's going awesome. She does so well and I'm no longer wasting time making baby food. It is definitely a messier form of eating. I bought the antilop high chair from ikea and it makes cleaning up after a meal so much easier! (And it was ridiculously cheap!)

Sleep is one giant shit-show around here. Naps are good and she goes down easy for them. Her morning nap is 30-45min, afternoon nap is 1 1/2-2 1/2 hours which usually includes a wake up in the middle for a quick snack, and her evening nap is 20-30min or not at all. Night time is another story. She will go down fairly easy around 8, but then wakes up 45 minutes later to eat again (It makes no difference how much or how little I feed her before she goes to sleep at 8) and it's anyone guess if she'll just go back to sleep or spend the next two hours fighting it. She still nurses every 2-3 hours at night. I refuse to let her cry it out. No one is ever going to convince me an infant cries just to be an asshole. It's their only form of communication and if they're crying it's because they need something. I'm not going to leave her alone and let her think her needs aren't important or that mom doesn't care. I also refuse to let her cry because she's had one thing after another going on for the past couple months and has legitimate reasons for waking up at night. When she does nurse at night she often will eat off both sides, so I know she's hungry. And no, feeding her before bed doesn't make a bit of difference and if my mother-in-law says it will one more time I may completely lose it. She also nurses 2-3 hours during the day. I think we have a combination of having a high needs baby and having a baby that keeps racing ahead of the curve on so many developmental milestones she just needs to eat all the time. And really, this time is going by so fast and it won't be long before I miss the middle of the night snuggles. The way I see it, it means I get more time with her while she's little. Of course I would love more sleep, but a vast majority of the time it really doesn't bother me. But it sure seems to be a big issue for relatives that don't ever take care of her at night...

I started working out a couple weeks ago. I may have lost the baby weight, but I sure didn't keep any strength! I'm so out of shape and core muscles are basically non-existent right now. My husband got me several sessions with a personal trainer for Christmas (my request!). I go twice a week and use the drop-in daycare at the gym for baby. First day I could hear her screaming before I got back to the room. Second time she was napping. I'm hoping it gets better. I know it's good for her to be around other babies - for social interaction and to boost her immune system! It's also good for me to spend a little time focusing on myself. As much as I hate working out, I always feel so good afterwards. Here's hoping I can get fit again relatively quickly!

We have tentatively decided on a plan for baby number 2. Six years ago when we started trying to have a baby we had talked about having 3-4. Well, now we're happy with the one we have and if we can give her a sibling, even better! I'm 35 already and with that comes the label of 'advanced maternal age'. I've been in a bit of a panic thinking about how quickly we needed to get moving on frozen embryo transfers. We have 6 embryos left on ice, but only one is of good quality. Two are okay quality and the last three are such poor quality they probably won't make the thaw - and my clinic uses vitrification so that tells you how poor quality they are. We transferred 7 embryos over four transfers to get our daughter. So my fear is that it is going to take multiple transfers for our next baby, too. I'm still nursing and I haven't yet checked with my IVF doctor if I can be nursing and do embryo transfers. My daughter's pediatrician said she is fine with me nursing and doing embryo transfers - she said during pregnancy my body makes more progesterone and estrogen anyways, so the added amounts from a transfer wouldn't have any effect on baby. She just said to check with my IVF doctor because some do want you to be done nursing. Which is a hard balance - I want to give baby girl until at least 18 months to nurse, maybe even up to age 2. If I cut her off early for an embryo transfer and we never get pregnant again, I'll regret cutting that time short. If I give her as long as she wants, then we may not be able to get pregnant again. So the tentative solution I came up with is to do a couple of egg retrievals later this summer/fall. They will either be natural or mini. I have to check to see if I can be on clomid while nursing. If not, then they will have to be natural cycles. This should hopefully give us a couple more embryos and would then let me be a little more relaxed about waiting a bit longer before doing transfers. I would hope to do embryo transfers around baby girl's second birthday. As exhausting as babies and toddlers are, I really don't want two close together! Hopefully baby girl would be starting preschool around the time we had another baby - which would give me more one on one time with baby.

This is all hard and I don't think there is ever going to be a perfect answer. For now, we're planning on egg retrievals this year and transfers next summer. Hopefully all goes well and we do end up lucky enough to have a second. If not, we can at least know we gave it our best.