I Should Have Known

Today I had a dentist appointment. No big deal, just a routine cleaning.

My appointment was originally in March - the same day we had our third beta. I called the dentist's office when I got my result that morning and canceled my afternoon appointment. I was pregnant and there was no way I was taking any chances. I had the appointment rescheduled for today.

My dentist and hygienist know we've been doing IVF treatments. It tends to come up when I decline x-rays during a treatment cycle or my gums are more sensitive when I'm on stimulation meds. I thought it would come up but I just wasn't prepared for the tears that sprang in my eyes when my hygienist came in the room and had a big grin on her face and said, "so, I see you canceled your March appointment because you were pregnant...". Yea, the look on the poor girl's face when I told her we lost the pregnancy was awful. I think I ended up consoling her more than she consoled me. She is incredibly sweet and thoughtful and told me she would pray really hard for good news at my next appointment.

I'll take all the help and well wishes I can get.

Cycling Soon

We had originally planned to get back into a banking cycle this month, but due to circumstances beyond our control and some that were in our control, we decided to wait until next month.

Hopefully things will settle down around here in the next couple of weeks. My husband needs to fly out to California to deposit another sample since we've used up the three vials we had from before. He's making it a quick trip since he's been busy with work and other projects.

If we do decide to go ahead with the next cycle, then I would fly out around the late middle part of June. I'm kinda ready to get this show on the road. It's time to move forward and I'm ready.

My grief has been easing. Some days still sneak up on me. It didn't help last week when we visited several different friends who all had babies in the past year. It was hard. Very hard. I went out to visit my grandma's grave on Mother's Day. She was the closest thing I had to a good mother growing up so it seemed only fitting I visit her on the day. I think it was therapeutic for me to go out there. I cried some hard ugly tears and although it left me exhausted I think it was a good release. I didn't bother even texting my own mother. It still deeply disturbs me she has yet to acknowledge the loss of our pregnancy. I did send her a card. Late. On purpose. Go me. I have a core group of friends that really get what I'm going through. They were amazing. Each one of them sent me a message on Mother's Day acknowledging my heartache. That kind of support means everything to me.

For now, I'm just hanging out, trying to stay healthy and relaxed.