Here We Go. Again.

I’m about to embark on the one thing I said I wasn’t ever going to do again.

In less than two weeks I will be starting IVF.

Again. 

It has been a long process to get to this point. 

Last summer I decided enough was enough and I wasn’t going to put myself through anything more. I was focused on getting myself healthy and that’s exactly what I did. I changed jobs, I eat healthy (most of the time), I stay active, and I started going to acupuncture(best. thing. ever.) once a week. Acupuncture deserves its own post, so I’ll save my accolades for another day.

So. How/when/why did I have a change of heart?

I’m not really sure. A big part of it is my husband has a new job and with that comes enough of a salary increase to actually afford IVF. Another part is that I still carry so much guilt that he may never get the chance to be a father. 

I know endometriosis is not my fault. I know infertility is not my fault. 

But. 

But there is and will always be an undercurrent of guilt. Because it’s MY body that is defective.

I will be traveling out of state this time for IVF. I will be traveling alone as my husband is not able to miss work. I will do day two monitoring locally, and then fly out for the rest of my cycle. I found a clinic that focuses on mini and natural IVF. It will be nothing like my previous attempts. Gone are the disgustingly high doses of injectable medications, frequent monitoring, sedation, and high risk of cancellation if not enough follicles are produced. Instead I will be taking mostly low doses of oral meds with the only injection being a trigger shot, two maybe three monitoring appointments, no sedation for retrieval, and virtually no risk of cancellation because they focus on going after only a few eggs. I will do two mini cycles and bank any embryos we can get. Then I will go for a third, natural cycle, where they will just monitor and have one shot for the trigger. It sounds like a walk in the park compared to what I went through before. The hard part will be flying out there alone. I have been collecting things to keep myself busy and will try to keep things in perspective while there.

We have agreed if these three rounds don’t work, we’re done. 

After this we can move forward knowing we gave it our best shot.