I'm Thankful For My Infertility

I never thought I would be thankful for infertility.

But I am.

Infertility is a horrible road to go down. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. And yet, I'm thankful for our journey. Of course I never felt thankful while we were going through it. Of course it's one of those things that doesn't really make sense until you're on the other side of it all.

I am so very thankful for our daughter. I'm also thankful for the hard road it took to get to her because it made me a better parent.

I was one of those little girls who grew up excited to someday be a mommy. I loved playing dolls. I loved babies. If there was a baby in the room chances are I would ask to hold it. I loved babysitting and I heard all the time growing up that everyone thought I would be a wonderful mother someday. Even our wedding video is filled with comments from family and friends about how we needed to be parents.

Then infertility hit. Hard.

At times I thought I would never get to be a mother. And then it finally happened to us. I was thrust into the midst motherhood and at times found myself like every other mother out there asking myself what the heck happened?! Motherhood is overwhelming and hard and absolutely wonderful. Our beautiful little girl can often be found snuggled in my arms. I can't get anything done around the house and that's okay. It can all wait. She was less than a week old before I found myself snuggling her to my chest and telling my husband "I already miss this..." Even in the really though moments I remind myself how worth it she is and how I will miss even the hard moments. I feel like I'm hyper aware of how fleeting this time is with our little girl and I try to soak it all up. I spend hours watching her sleep, soaking in every last detail. I find myself at the grocery store holding people up because I'm gazing at my baby and completely forgetting where I'm at in the moment. I also think about had we gotten pregnant easily on our own we wouldn't have been where we're at in life right now. Things we didn't have when we first started trying include living close to family, owning our home, being able to upgrade to a larger vehicle, all the baby stuff we've been able to get for her, my husband having a job that allowed for him to be able to take an entire month off, my husband's schedule he has that's week on/week off, a stronger marriage from going through the struggle of infertility together, the time we had to just be husband and wife. I'm thankful for all of those things and more.

I don't feel my baby is more special than any other. But I do feel that for me personally I have a much deeper appreciation and gratefulness I wouldn't have had if pregnancy had come easily to us. Of course I still would have loved her. Of course I would still savor every moment, but infertility has just pushed everything to a stronger awareness of it all.

And for that, I am thankful. So very thankful.