What Happens Next

There are so many decisions to make regarding infertility: when to seek to treatment, where to seek treatment, what kinds of treatment to try, and ultimately, when to stop treatments. I feel over many months now I’ve been moving closer to the choice of stopping treatments. Granted, we’ve been stuck not being able to do anything for over a year now, but the thought of going through it all again, is very unappealing to me.

My current thought is I’m done with infertility treatments for good. My decision is based upon many factors. Financially we wouldn’t be able to even think about doing treatments until my husband finishes his training next year and finally starts his career.  At one point I scoured the internet for grants and discounts, only to find for most of them I’m almost immediately disqualified due to my FSH. Yep, having infertility is not enough; you even get discriminated in the infertility community. I find it ironic, a big reason for us needing IVF is the same reason we won’t get help for it… There’s so much about infertility I will never understand.

Another driving factor in my decision is my health. After my second surgery for endometriosis in February, I was horrified looking at the pictures afterwards and seeing just how much damage was done to my body in a little over three years. And I’m convinced our seven rounds of fertility drugs played a huge role in the damage. In less than 1 ½ years my left tube was left completely blocked by endometriosis when prior to starting treatments both tubes were wide open. Again, I note the irony in how the same treatments meant to help us get pregnant are the same ones that have made me even more infertile.

My age is also bothering me. Big time. I’m not worried about being older; I embrace the person I’ve become. I just always thought I would be done having children before I hit my 30’s, not still sitting here with empty arms. Now I know 31 is not old by any means, but let’s just say I changed my mind and wanted to try treatments again, and they were successful. I would be 33 at the earliest and If I had the three kids I always wanted (greedy at this point, I know) I would be 37+ when we finished. Again, that’s not old, but it’s just beyond the point I wanted to be starting a family.

Our lives have been put on hold for many years now because of my husband’s career. I’ve had to put my career on hold and we’ve put many other things on hold as well. It’s hard seeing so many of our friends settled down and buying houses (and some are done having children already…) when we are still a ways from all of that. Once my husband is done next year, we plan on moving again to a place where I can finally start my career. Hopefully. I have an education degree and thanks to infertility, I’ve been having serious doubts about continuing on that path. But I’m ready to move on with our lives. Settle down. Buy a house. Pursue my career. And travel. We love traveling.

So I’m done. I’m done waiting and wondering and torturing my body. I’ve already decided I won’t ever have another maintenance surgery for endometriosis. Next time my pain starts impacting my daily life I will have one last surgery to remove the endo along with my ovaries so I hopefully won’t ever have to deal with it again. IVF for us has maybe a 20% chance of working. Those odds are not worth destroying my body more than we already have.

Our plan for now is to let nature take its course. Either we’ll have a miracle pregnancy (less than 2% chance), or my endo will eventually get bad enough to require the final surgery. We’re leaving that open for now. I’m done with hormones suppressing my endo since I just felt awful all the time. Do I have any hopes a natural conception will occur? Of course not. And yes, that annoying little voice in the background keeps saying, what if? What if, indeed.