Losing My Grandma

 Our holidays ended up being incredibly sad. My sweet and beautiful grandmother passed away five days after having a stroke Christmas morning. Prior to my husband, my grandmother was by far the most important person in my life. We had always been very close and I was so blessed when we moved this summer and lived close enough to help care for her the last six months. I miss her terribly. I haven't been able to grieve the loss very much. I keep telling my husband if I cry, that means she's really gone.  

And I'm just not ready to accept that yet.

I never told my grandmother about our struggles to conceive. She never asked us when we were planning on having children and I have a feeling she somehow knew. Her only daughter was never able to conceive either, so she may very well have had an idea. One of the evenings I was sitting alone with her after her stroke, (she had not opened her eyes or responded or hardly moved in a couple of days) I told her a little about our struggles and that I had three angel babies waiting in heaven and asked her to rock them for me. As I was holding her hand and telling her this she had a huge tear puddle in one of her eyes. The next night my husband and I were sitting with her and I was again holding her hand. I asked her to work with the angels when she got to heaven to send us a baby. For the first time in three days since having her stroke she squeezed my hand and opened her eyes and looked right at me. Two days later I was the last family member to see her before she passed away. I had been visiting her and had to leave for acupuncture. There was no sign the end was imminent. We were actually very surprised she held on as long as she did as we thought she was going to die the same day as her stroke. I kissed her cheek and told her how much I loved her and that I would be back in an hour. During my acupuncture nap I was very restless and hadn't been napping well. I woke up and looked at the time on my phone (I always have it with me as I use it to listen to music during my sessions) and promptly fell into a deep sleep. I later found out the same moment I woke up was the same moment my grandmother died.
 
I still can't believe she's gone. Most mornings when I first wake up I think about going to visit her...and then reality hits me.