Two years ago I was incredibly lucky to meet and become friends with an amazing woman who battled infertility herself. She's now in her 50's with three adult children. She went through about ten years of infertility on and off. We've had many conversations over time and one that has always stuck with me is when she said the wounds of infertility run deep and they're permanent. Over time the wounds scab over, but they'll always be there. Sometimes this can be a blessing - if you do end up with children you never forget how wanted they are. And other times it can be a burden - happy moments are interrupted by a fleeting thought that reminds you there are no guarantees in life.
Today I finally started taking down all the Christmas decorations. It was bitter sweet. For the first time in years I felt we had a reason to really be happy over the holidays. Goodness knows our baby girl is already getting spoiled - she received many ornaments for Christmas and we also picked up a few expecting ones as well. As I was packing them away, the dark thought crossed my mind -what if something happens and we still don't have a baby next year and I have to then come across all these ornaments. I had to stop and tell myself to stop thinking like that. I had to remind myself we have a 99% chance of bringing home our beautiful baby girl in less than six months.
I'm at a strange spot in my pregnancy. Morning sickness (knock on wood) is pretty much gone. My belly continues to grow - my husband has finally called it a belly. I've even felt baby a couple of times - just a few tiny little bloops. Even with all of these signs, my mind seems to be struggling with the fact we have a baby coming. And soon. It still seems so crazy to me after all these years and all our losses, this is really happening. I find myself looking at my belly and shaking my head in disbelief that I'm actually looking at MY belly for once.
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