IVF #3 Results

I have too much going on lately to write a decent post, but wanted to record the results of my third IVF so I can remember later on.

·         CD 2 Ultrasound/Bloodwork

o   18 AFC !!!! This was amazing, it’s 50% more than I had a year and a half ago. I contribute the rise to acupuncture. It’s the only thing different I’ve done.

o   FSH 15.7 (ouch) E2 41

·         CD 3-10

o   Clomid 50mg

o   Gonal F 150iu CD 6, 8, 10

·         CD 8 Fly out to California

·         CD 9 Ultrasound/Bloodwork

o   FSH 11.2

o   E2 840

o   LH 10.6

o   Right Ovary: 15, 13, 8, 6

o   Left Ovary: 17.5, 14, 13, 13, 11, 11

o   You read that right, 10 follicles growing!! (last IVF I only had 6 grow on very high stims)

·         CD 11 Ultrasound/Bloodwork

o   E2 1700

o   LH 13

o   P4 1.5

o   Right Ovary 17, 16, 14, 9, 8

o   Left Ovary 26, 20, 19, 16, 16, 14

o   That’s a grand total of 11 follicles. 9 decent sized, 2 smaller ones

o   Trigger shot of Lupron late that night and several timed doses of ibuprofen over the next two days.

·         CD 13 Egg Retrieval

o   7 Eggs retrieved!!

o   No anesthesia used at this clinic. Painful, but tolerable.

o   It was pretty awesome to see the eggs harvested and to see the embryologist line them up in the petri dish.

·         CD 14 Fly Home

o   All 7 eggs were mature and fertilized!

·         CD 15

o   Start provera for 10 days to bring on a period

·         CD 18 (5 days past retrieval)

o   4 embryos had stopped growing

o   3 remaining had not yet reached blastocyst stage

o   Devastated

·         CD 19 (6 days past retrieval)

o   4 frozen blasts (one that had stopped growing decided to grow after all)

§  Two: 4CC (expanded blast, poor quality)

§  One: 4BC (expanded blast, ok/poor quality)

§  One: 4BB (expanded blast, ok quality)

·         Ended up being a 25 day cycle.

·         Waiting 2 months to cycle again due to many different things going on in our life.

This mini IVF cycle was soooo much better than doing a full blown high stim cycle. And as you can see, it yielded significantly better results.  And the best part was, even with the travel, it was so much easier on me physically and emotionally. I will NEVER do a high stim cycle ever again. It’s just not worth it when there are better options out there.

Here We Go. Again.

I’m about to embark on the one thing I said I wasn’t ever going to do again.

In less than two weeks I will be starting IVF.

Again. 

It has been a long process to get to this point. 

Last summer I decided enough was enough and I wasn’t going to put myself through anything more. I was focused on getting myself healthy and that’s exactly what I did. I changed jobs, I eat healthy (most of the time), I stay active, and I started going to acupuncture(best. thing. ever.) once a week. Acupuncture deserves its own post, so I’ll save my accolades for another day.

So. How/when/why did I have a change of heart?

I’m not really sure. A big part of it is my husband has a new job and with that comes enough of a salary increase to actually afford IVF. Another part is that I still carry so much guilt that he may never get the chance to be a father. 

I know endometriosis is not my fault. I know infertility is not my fault. 

But. 

But there is and will always be an undercurrent of guilt. Because it’s MY body that is defective.

I will be traveling out of state this time for IVF. I will be traveling alone as my husband is not able to miss work. I will do day two monitoring locally, and then fly out for the rest of my cycle. I found a clinic that focuses on mini and natural IVF. It will be nothing like my previous attempts. Gone are the disgustingly high doses of injectable medications, frequent monitoring, sedation, and high risk of cancellation if not enough follicles are produced. Instead I will be taking mostly low doses of oral meds with the only injection being a trigger shot, two maybe three monitoring appointments, no sedation for retrieval, and virtually no risk of cancellation because they focus on going after only a few eggs. I will do two mini cycles and bank any embryos we can get. Then I will go for a third, natural cycle, where they will just monitor and have one shot for the trigger. It sounds like a walk in the park compared to what I went through before. The hard part will be flying out there alone. I have been collecting things to keep myself busy and will try to keep things in perspective while there.

We have agreed if these three rounds don’t work, we’re done. 

After this we can move forward knowing we gave it our best shot. 

No Wheat, No Dairy, Yea Right

In our quest to try naturally for a while, I have decided to attempt to follow eastern medicine and the recommended dietary changes. The one resounding diet change I keep finding in regards to my endometriosis and eastern perspective is to eliminate wheat and dairy. Now let’s keep in mind I was raised in the upper Midwest with a father who grew up on a farm. Wheat, dairy, and red meat made up 99% of my diet. It’s what I know, it’s what I love. Really really love. Now I find myself picking up items at the grocery store I can’t even pronounce. Good luck finding items without refined sugar or wheat. I’m currently living in a smaller city and the grocery stores here are pretty pathetic. I perused the one shelf of gluten free items earlier tonight and the first three loaves of bread I picked up all had mold growing on them…ew. They do have a somewhat decent selection of organic bulk items of various rice, quinoa, and seeds. I picked up a few things and will try them over the next few weeks.

One change I’ve made is no longer drinking milk and attempting to make sure most of my beverages are room temperature or warm. Basically I drink a lot of water. I recently gave up OJ and lemonade… too much sugar. I even started drinking the recommended red raspberry leaf tea. Don’t make the same mistake I did…I fully anticipated a delightful fruity tea. It’s actually a pungent black tea and I wasn’t even able to finish the first cup I brewed. I make myself drink a cup each day and it’s getting a tiny bit better. I think tea is like beer, it’s an acquired taste, or at least that’s what I’m hoping.

These changes are going to be hard. I looked through a lot of my favorite recipes and so many of them I can’t eat anymore. It doesn’t help that my husband is extremely reluctant to get on board with the whole diet change. He was also raised in the upper Midwest. Casserole with noodles, ground beef, and cheese anyone? I decided tonight when I was at the store I am going to love all the crap I picked up. I may not like it the first or even by the eighth time, but I will learn to like it. At the very least, even if I don’t get pregnant, I will be eating a lot healthier. It’s actually disgusting just how much junk is in food these days. And don’t even get me started on all the chemicals.

Some of the other recommended dietary changes I made a long time ago. We no longer have chips or pretzels or any other overly processed junk foods in our home.  I gave up caffeine over three years ago and haven’t missed it (once the initial three months of withdrawals were over). (And yes, I was one of those, ‘I could never give up caffeine, I NEED it’. Trust me, you don’t) Over a year ago, I gave up soda entirely. Once in great while, about every 6 months, I will have a small soda and it always reminds me why I don’t drink it. The caffeine gives me a headache and the massive amount of sugar makes it so sweet it doesn’t even taste good to me anymore. And all this coming from a girl who once lived on 4-5 Dr. Peppers a day.

One thing that will be hard to give up is alcohol. Not that I’m a huge drinker, but we live in a community that is big on drinking. And I love a good glass of wine or a nice cold beer once or twice a week. And of course when you’re not drinking, people start talking. In the past during treatments when I was out and not drinking it was easy enough to use the excuse of not being able to drink alcohol because I was taking pain meds for my endometriosis. But still, I hate the funny looks and questions.

I know I want to make these changes, it just feels a bit overwhelming. And I don’t have any clue where to even start. I’m not a good cook by any means. My husband and I have been on opposite schedules for so long we only get around to cooking once or twice a week. But that is going to have to change. I’ve been trying to find recipes and will start experimenting. My goal is to find foods that are healthy for us, and still taste delicious. At the very least, this new adventure in food should be a good distraction for me.

What Happens Next

There are so many decisions to make regarding infertility: when to seek to treatment, where to seek treatment, what kinds of treatment to try, and ultimately, when to stop treatments. I feel over many months now I’ve been moving closer to the choice of stopping treatments. Granted, we’ve been stuck not being able to do anything for over a year now, but the thought of going through it all again, is very unappealing to me.

My current thought is I’m done with infertility treatments for good. My decision is based upon many factors. Financially we wouldn’t be able to even think about doing treatments until my husband finishes his training next year and finally starts his career.  At one point I scoured the internet for grants and discounts, only to find for most of them I’m almost immediately disqualified due to my FSH. Yep, having infertility is not enough; you even get discriminated in the infertility community. I find it ironic, a big reason for us needing IVF is the same reason we won’t get help for it… There’s so much about infertility I will never understand.

Another driving factor in my decision is my health. After my second surgery for endometriosis in February, I was horrified looking at the pictures afterwards and seeing just how much damage was done to my body in a little over three years. And I’m convinced our seven rounds of fertility drugs played a huge role in the damage. In less than 1 ½ years my left tube was left completely blocked by endometriosis when prior to starting treatments both tubes were wide open. Again, I note the irony in how the same treatments meant to help us get pregnant are the same ones that have made me even more infertile.

My age is also bothering me. Big time. I’m not worried about being older; I embrace the person I’ve become. I just always thought I would be done having children before I hit my 30’s, not still sitting here with empty arms. Now I know 31 is not old by any means, but let’s just say I changed my mind and wanted to try treatments again, and they were successful. I would be 33 at the earliest and If I had the three kids I always wanted (greedy at this point, I know) I would be 37+ when we finished. Again, that’s not old, but it’s just beyond the point I wanted to be starting a family.

Our lives have been put on hold for many years now because of my husband’s career. I’ve had to put my career on hold and we’ve put many other things on hold as well. It’s hard seeing so many of our friends settled down and buying houses (and some are done having children already…) when we are still a ways from all of that. Once my husband is done next year, we plan on moving again to a place where I can finally start my career. Hopefully. I have an education degree and thanks to infertility, I’ve been having serious doubts about continuing on that path. But I’m ready to move on with our lives. Settle down. Buy a house. Pursue my career. And travel. We love traveling.

So I’m done. I’m done waiting and wondering and torturing my body. I’ve already decided I won’t ever have another maintenance surgery for endometriosis. Next time my pain starts impacting my daily life I will have one last surgery to remove the endo along with my ovaries so I hopefully won’t ever have to deal with it again. IVF for us has maybe a 20% chance of working. Those odds are not worth destroying my body more than we already have.

Our plan for now is to let nature take its course. Either we’ll have a miracle pregnancy (less than 2% chance), or my endo will eventually get bad enough to require the final surgery. We’re leaving that open for now. I’m done with hormones suppressing my endo since I just felt awful all the time. Do I have any hopes a natural conception will occur? Of course not. And yes, that annoying little voice in the background keeps saying, what if? What if, indeed.

Have I Had Enough?

I have spent a lot of time in the past few months asking myself:

Have I had enough of this infertility?

Have I had enough procedures?

Have I had enough stress?

Have I had enough Doctor visits?

Have I had enough treatments?

Have I had enough medications?

Have I had enough of what western medicine has to offer?

Have I had enough pain from endometriosis?

Have I had enough strain on my marriage?

Have I had enough holidays ruined by our inability to have children?

Have I had enough delays in starting my career?

Have I had enough of putting the rest of my life on hold?

How do you really know when you have had enough?

I’m pretty sure I’m at that point. I’m done.

I don’t want to think or deal with infertility anymore.

Admitting that hurts more than infertility and endometriosis combined.

Yet Another Holiday with Empty Arms

Father’s Day is once again fast approaching.

For me, I hate it even more than Mother’s Day.

My crappy body is the reason we aren’t pregnant and may never be. The enormity of my guilt whenever I think of my husband never experiencing fatherhood is overwhelming. He would be an amazing father.

I know how much he wants to be a father.

And it’s the one thing I can’t give him.

  

Today Is A Hard Day

If only…

If only Petri had hung on…

Today would have been my due date…

Tomorrow is surgery day…

I need to be strong going forward…

But for today…

Today I will let the tears fall…