I'm So Not Excited

The end of next week will be the start of stims for IVF #2.

I should be hopeful and excited.

I’m not.

I have a feeling of impending doom. I think having my first cycle canceled scarred me deeply. I don’t have faith this next cycle will work. I’m fearful of even going in for my baseline appointment.

Thankfully our upcoming move has provided a really nice distraction the past couple of weeks. I have even had days at a time without really thinking about infertility. Unfortunately, I was abruptly returned to realty when my Husband picked up the medications for the next round. Seeing the large pile of meds has really bothered me.

I haven’t cried since my cycle was canceled, but last night, the tears came. I spent a good five minutes sobbing on my Husband’s shoulder. He has finally learned to not say much and just hold me. He tries to be positive, but sometimes when I’m feeling really down, hearing someone spout a bunch of positives just makes me want to punch that person. I really believe it’s therapeutic to allow yourself to feel the emotions that build up when going through infertility. Until last night, I hadn’t even realized how much the upcoming cycle was getting to me.

It certainly doesn’t help matters that I would normally be having my period this week. I feel dumb I didn’t pick up on it until I was being a complete brat towards my Husband last night. I’ve been moody, my endo is flaring up, I’m exhausted and my boobs hurt. Well, duh. My body wants to have a period right now, but of course the birth control is preventing it. Although I must say, the side effects from the BCP are so much less this time around. I’m also still fighting the cold my Husband gave me and after working 12 hour shifts all weekend I pretty much spent all of yesterday sleeping.

Today I’ve been trying to track down one of the meds my pharmacy is out of. Apparently there is a national shortage of Ganirelix. For my insurance to cover my meds at the optimum rate, I need to use the pharmacy located at the hospital. But when my Husband went to pick up the meds, they said they were out of the Ganirelix and the manufacturer did not give them a date when they would have more.

Ummm I kind of need that drug in a couple of weeks.

I emailed the clinic to tell them the pharmacy was out and they just emailed me back a few other places to try. Brilliant idea people, but please tell me how I am going to get the prescription filled when you never actually gave me the prescription??!! The clinic has always called in my meds to the pharmacy. Am I so out of line to think the clinic should be checking around to see what other pharmacies may have this drug in stock?!

The hospital pharmacy said they were going to check with the clinic to see what they wanted to do, but I don’t think that ever happened. My Husband is going to stop there again today and see what the status is. I’m sure something will work out; it’s just frustrating to have one more annoyance to deal with.

For now I just try to keep myself busy and my mind off the upcoming cycle. At least my Husband should be around for all of the injections this time. I prefer letting him mix up the meds, I seem to leak some every time I try it. I really do hope this next cycle works and I hope once things get started, I will become more optimistic.

And one last thing, my Grandpa made it home last week. I appreciate the concern and well wishes. He is doing as well as can be expected. He’s back home with Grandma and is getting around pretty well. I hope to visit him soon.