Sometimes I Don't Like You

Infertility is not kind to marriages.

Infertility places a huge strain on the one relationship you hold closest to your heart.

We’ve been married for only a year and half. It may not seem like long; however we’ve been discussing fertility options for over two years.

That’s what endometriosis does to you. It makes you have conversations about your fertility and what that means for your future. And depending on when you get diagnosed you may *get* to have these conversations long before you’re even married.

Every time I had an appointment related to my endometriosis, fertility issues always came up. I was told that it would be likely I would have a family of my own someday, although I might need help. Then the conversation would proceed on to discuss the different fertility treatments.

Each of those visits made me want to scream at the top of my lungs:

BUT I’M NOT EVEN MARRIED YET!!!

That’s what I wanted to do. Instead I usually went home and lashed out at my soon-to-be Husband and/or dissolved into a puddle of tears.

I remember having many conversations with my then Husband-to-be about our upcoming wedding. I told him that he didn’t have to marry me since I was broken and may not ever be able to have children. I offered him an easy out. He could walk away and I wouldn’t hold it against him.

My Husband’s response?

I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.

And he is still here. Despite the craziness of me insisting he should have left me after my diagnosis. He stayed even through the Lupron rages. Heck, he married me during the Lupron rages. He tolerated the Clomid crankies, and the Femara funnies (I was tad bit giddy during those cycles) and now he’s enduring the emotional roller coaster of IVF.

I really need to give my Husband more credit.

Even when we are at each other’s throat there is one thing I never let myself forget.

I LOVE my Husband. And he LOVES me.

Although sometimes……… I don’t like him.

And I’m okay with that. I have accepted (and am still learning to accept) that I will not like everything he says or does in our relationship (such as how he gives me my shots). He’s not perfect and I am nowhere near perfect myself.  We make mistakes and get on each other’s nerves sometimes. And sometimes it happens a lot.

I will be the first to admit we’ve had our moments. Moments when we both have thought about walking away.

But how do you walk away from your Best Friend?

The journey through infertility is tough. It changes you and it changes your partner. Your relationship changes as well. It has to change or you won’t still be together on the other side. And that’s what it all comes down to. Working together to get to the other side, the side where you hopefully have the family you’ve been dreaming of.

Remember, you may not always like your partner, but you always LOVE them! 

  

Are We Relaxed Yet?!

The past few days I have taken part in a couple new things to try and help me relax during this IVF cycle.

The first thing I’ve done is download the IVF cycle meditations. I’ve only gone through two of the pre cycle ones and they actually seemed to help me relax a bit. I listen to them at night before going to sleep.

I’ve had a really hard time with insomnia lately and the first night the meditation actually helped me fall asleep within about 15 minutes after listening to it. Which is quite impressive when you look at my current falling asleep time of anywhere from 2-4 hours.

The meditations are something I will definitely keep doing.

Now if only I could find a way to have my ipod taken off me once I fall asleep.....

The second thing I tried was acupuncture.

This was a new experience for me. I’ve done lots of massages, but this was my first time with acupuncture. I’ll have to be honest that I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of having even more needles stuck into my body, but at this point I’m willing to try just about anything.

The person doing my acupuncture (let’s call her Miss A) was really sweet and took the time to thoroughly discuss my health history with me. I wish doctors took that much time!

Once we were done visiting, she had me lie on the table and checked different points on my body. I wasn’t paying very close attention to what she was doing, so I’m not exactly sure what all happened.

The next thing I knew, I had needles in my head, hands, legs, and feet. The needles in my forehead and top of my head were placed to help me relax. I was then left alone for 30 minutes to listen to some music and hopefully…….relax.

I waited…………

and waited………..

and waited some more…………

The more I tried to focus my energy on relaxing the more my mind wandered.

Eventually I just gave up and counted the ceiling tiles.

46 and ½ to be exact (it was an angled room).

But I am not one to give up the first time. I have another visit planned next week. We’ll go over Miss A’s findings and have another session. I might see if she’ll let me listen to my meditations to help me focus on relaxing more.

Stims start this weekend. Let’s hope for a relaxing week ahead!

 

Faking It

In a recent conversation with my Husband he informs me that sex feels forced right now.

Say What?

Here I thought I was doing pretty well faking it.

Guess not. Bummer.

Infertility really puts a damper on your sex life. It’s frustrating because I Love having sex with my Husband.

Or at least I used to…….

I hate that infertility permeates every aspect of your life and relationship with your partner. We can’t even have sex for fun anymore.

And for my Husband? Sex is still sex. When that’s going on, he isn’t thinking about our infertility. Just sex.

I wish I could do that.

My goal for the next week is to really try to relax and enjoy my Husband. What better time to buy some new lingerie and get all dolled up in high heels than on Valentine’s Day?

It’s time for me to bring the romance and excitement back into our bedroom.

Without faking it…..

At least until my ovaries start exploding from stimulation meds that start at the end of the week.

Hoping each one of you has a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your sweetie.

I know I will!

 

My Own Little Ray of Sunshine

Yesterday a little ray of sunshine started working its way into my life.

For the first time in months I’ve had a feeling of hope.

Hope is something that has been missing from my life since my third medicated cycle failed. (The one after which Dr. RE started pushing IVF)

The last couple of months I was slowly slipping into a dark place.

I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone or do anything.

A few milestones have passed recently and were painful reminders of what we don’t yet have in our lives. Reminders that made me feel worse than I already was.

I turned 30. I always thought I would be close to being done having kids by that age. I thought that by 25 I would be married with one kid and another on the way. Instead I didn’t get married until I was 28. And here I am two years later with empty arms.

And to kick me when I’m already down? My period started after the failure of cycle #4 ON my Birthday.

That was not a good day for me. I had finished a bottle of wine before my Husband even got home from work that night.

My Husband had planned an amazing evening with family and friends. He completely spoiled me on my Birthday. I love that man more than he will ever know.

It still hurts to think about how I had to slap a happy smile on my face that day. The wine certainly helped matters, but the pain was still very much there. It hurts that even though I was genuinely happy about everything my Husband had done for me, I still had to fake my way through the day.

* I do not recommend getting incredibly drunk on your 30^th birthday. You just don’t bounce back like you did on your 21^st. The morning after my 21^st I jumped out of bed and went out for breakfast because I had the munchies and then went out the next two nights in row. The day after my 30^th? Hello hangover from hell. (And I *got* to have a baseline u/s and labwork drawn that day.)

The holidays arrived. Christmas was painful for me. Thankfully I worked the holiday. If we would have been like many couples that get pregnant on the first try, we would have had a bundle of joy to celebrate the holidays with.

So many painful reminders of what I don’t have.

It also doesn’t help that I work with a large group of mostly younger women. In our department alone in the last six months we have had 12 babies born and a few more due in the coming few months. It’s painful to be surrounded by pregnant bellies and constant talk about pregnancy, babies, etc.

It’s not fair. I should have been one of them.

I fell into the very unhealthy pattern of feeling sorry for myself and what I didn’t have. If I wasn’t at work I was at home in bed. Neglecting my home, family and friends. Pushing my Husband away when he wanted/needed time with me.

But today, I feel better. It feels like I am finally moving in the right direction. I have been making plans for the week ahead and for the rest of the weekend. I want to get out of the house. I need to get out of the house. For my sanity as well as my Husband’s.

It’s time to join the real world again.

So for now I am basking in my glorious little ray of sunshine. Letting it warm my heart and realize that things will get better. There are still hurdles to jump, but I finally feel ready to face them.

I will make it through this IVF cycle and I will be OK, no matter what.

  

I Don’t Want to do IVF

I know that sounds crazy coming from a girl that is right at the beginning of her first IVF cycle.

Deciding to pursue IVF was a really difficult decision for me. And it continues to be something I struggle with.

When we started to pursue infertility treatments this last summer I kept telling myself that I would get pregnant soon, I just needed a little bit of medication to help things along. It didn’t seem like a big deal, and we were still mostly doing things on our own, but with a little extra boost.

After three failed cycles of Clomid Dr. RE said we needed to think about going to the next step – IVF.

I wasn’t ready.

I was still holding out hope we could achieve a pregnancy without having to do anything too invasive. (You know, aside from having someone stick a wand up your lady parts and having a catheter of your Husband’s sperm shoved in your uterus with no less than three other people in the room)

Dr. RE humored me and put me on Femara.

Two cycles later I finally had to admit defeat.

I feel like I failed.

Proceeding with IVF feels like a failure to me, even though logically I know I should never feel that way.

Believe me; I know it could very well result in the happy ending we’re hoping for. That’s exactly why we have proceeded with IVF.

But I still don’t want to be doing this.

I don’t want to stick drugs in my body.

I don’t want to hand over control of the conception of my children to Drs. and lab technicians.

I wanted it to work the normal way. The way things are supposed to happen.

When I called the clinic to finally set up an appointment to discuss IVF with Dr. RE the receptionist had me speak with a nurse first. The nurse told me Dr. RE had put in my file that I could do a total of three cycles with Femara. I told her that we were ready to move on. She also remembered from talking with me at my last IUI that I had mentioned I hoped this cycle worked because I didn’t want to do IVF.

And I told her, “No one ever wants to do IVF, it’s not a goal you ever set out to reach.”

She herself has not gone through infertility so I realize she doesn’t really get it and I certainly don’t hold that against her. She was actually very sweet and asked me how I was dealing with everything. It was the nicest conversation I’ve ever had with one of the nurses.

But here I am. Going through the motions and hoping this cycle works because I really don’t want to ever have to go through this again.

One thing I have come to realize throughout this process is I am OK with whatever the outcome.

One baby? I’m OK with that.

Two babies? I’m OK with that.

No babies? I’m OK with that, too.

I’ve taken the time to try and picture my future without children and I can honestly say that I would be OK. Obviously I would prefer to have children, but if it somehow didn’t work out? I really do think I would be OK.

What about my Husband in all of this? He wants his own biological children. He is willing to do what ever it takes. He helped convince me to try IVF. He doesn’t see our journey so far as a failure.

As he says all the time, “It just hasn’t worked yet.”

He has faith and optimism in our IVF journey. He believes it will work the first time.

I keep hoping to reach his level of optimism, but it’s hard for me.

He is even kind of hoping for twins (I try really hard not to smack him when he says that (I have a very small frame and can’t see how I would possibly have room for two let alone one.))

So here we are. On our IVF journey. Hoping and Praying it works. And I’m learning to be more OK with it. Trying to focus on the end result and not so much on the journey it will take to get there.

Bring on the drugs before I change my mind………

 

Our Plan...And Fun with Needles

Our visit last week went well. The day before my Husband deposited his frozen sample. Hopefully it won’t be needed and we can use a fresh sample, but happy it’s there.

I found out that they want me on the Lupron protocol because during my previous medicated cycles I have always responded very easily with the lowest dosages. They are concerned about me hyperstimming.

Do I understand why the Lupron protocol? Yes.

Do I like it? NO.

That being said, I did my first Lupron shot tonight. I was all alone since my Husband is currently on night call. But thankfully he wasn’t busy when it was time and he snuck off for a quick skype so he could at least watch me do it!

Not sure I appreciated him shaking his head as I brought the needle towards my abdomen (about six times) before finally plunging the sucker in.

(I may have even felt sick to my stomach right after because I stressed myself out. Ooops.)

I hate needles, always have and always will.

Five cycles with Ovidrel have not eased those fears.

Ridiculous amounts of lab draws have not eased those fears.

I still look away when getting labs drawn and beg the technician not to tell me when they’re going to poke since that just freaks me out even more!

My Husband tries so hard to be helpful with his suggestions “It’s just fine, a few more times and you won’t even notice them anymore. It’s really not that big a deal “

Thankfully for him we were skyping or I would have stabbed him with my used needle. (Okay, not really, but I thought about it…)

I notice Every. Needle. Every. Time.

Moral of the story? I will have left-over butt shot needles and I am contemplating using one to inject saline into dear Husband’s bum so he can have just the slightest idea of what it’s like to go through this crap…

Other moral of the story? Don’t irritate a woman high on hormones.

I stop my BCP in about a week, then a little less than a week after that I start using Bravelle and Menopur and will continue with Lupron up until the trigger shot.

We have a plan. I can now rest easier at night knowing we have a plan.

 

Finding Out Our Timeline.....Finally

Tomorrow (technically today) we will be sitting down with Dr. RE to go over our plan for our IVF cycle this month. Normally, we would have the plan laid out by now, but since we got squeezed into this cycle at the last minute, we’re doing things a little bit out of order.

I can’t wait to finally know what’s going on. The past few weeks I’ve felt completely lost.

Not to mention I was already led astray once by the dumb office manager (that story’s a whole other post)

Ignorance may be bliss for some people; however I feel ignorance means I’m missing something.

I feel so much more relaxed when I know what’s going on.

Especially when dealing with something so very important.

Yes, I will fully admit that I am a Type A planner (and let’s throw in a little perfectionist attitude as well). I am one of those people that will think of many different possible outcomes and what my response will be so that when the time comes, I am most likely not taken off guard and can cope and move on with whatever the outcome.

This has actually served me quite well in life.

And yes, I know I can’t possibly plan for everything. (but I can and will try!)

And shockingly, I really do love a good surprise!

Although I know my Husband would love for me to sometimes be a little more laid back. He prefers to deal with things as they come and not stress about the future.

I need to keep that in mind when running through scenarios out loud. It may help calm my nerves, but listening to me run through the possibilities, just stresses my dear Husband out.

On another topic, I picked up my first batch of meds today. They called in the Lupron early since my pharmacy has been having supply issues.

Not to worry though, the drug I loathe is resting comfortably on my kitchen counter.

I asked previously over the phone why I was on the Lupron protocol as I really hate that drug, but I wasn’t given a very clear answer. They sort of glossed over it. Since being diagnosed with endo, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time doing research (remember type A...) and I also have a little bit of a medical background, so the intricacies of why I’m taking something are important to me. I will definitely have Dr. RE clarify tomorrow.

Feeling very anxious as we move forward, but hoping that once I know what’s going on, I’ll feel more at ease.

.......and I can start planning….!