Sometimes I Don't Like You

Infertility is not kind to marriages.

Infertility places a huge strain on the one relationship you hold closest to your heart.

We’ve been married for only a year and half. It may not seem like long; however we’ve been discussing fertility options for over two years.

That’s what endometriosis does to you. It makes you have conversations about your fertility and what that means for your future. And depending on when you get diagnosed you may *get* to have these conversations long before you’re even married.

Every time I had an appointment related to my endometriosis, fertility issues always came up. I was told that it would be likely I would have a family of my own someday, although I might need help. Then the conversation would proceed on to discuss the different fertility treatments.

Each of those visits made me want to scream at the top of my lungs:

BUT I’M NOT EVEN MARRIED YET!!!

That’s what I wanted to do. Instead I usually went home and lashed out at my soon-to-be Husband and/or dissolved into a puddle of tears.

I remember having many conversations with my then Husband-to-be about our upcoming wedding. I told him that he didn’t have to marry me since I was broken and may not ever be able to have children. I offered him an easy out. He could walk away and I wouldn’t hold it against him.

My Husband’s response?

I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.

And he is still here. Despite the craziness of me insisting he should have left me after my diagnosis. He stayed even through the Lupron rages. Heck, he married me during the Lupron rages. He tolerated the Clomid crankies, and the Femara funnies (I was tad bit giddy during those cycles) and now he’s enduring the emotional roller coaster of IVF.

I really need to give my Husband more credit.

Even when we are at each other’s throat there is one thing I never let myself forget.

I LOVE my Husband. And he LOVES me.

Although sometimes……… I don’t like him.

And I’m okay with that. I have accepted (and am still learning to accept) that I will not like everything he says or does in our relationship (such as how he gives me my shots). He’s not perfect and I am nowhere near perfect myself.  We make mistakes and get on each other’s nerves sometimes. And sometimes it happens a lot.

I will be the first to admit we’ve had our moments. Moments when we both have thought about walking away.

But how do you walk away from your Best Friend?

The journey through infertility is tough. It changes you and it changes your partner. Your relationship changes as well. It has to change or you won’t still be together on the other side. And that’s what it all comes down to. Working together to get to the other side, the side where you hopefully have the family you’ve been dreaming of.

Remember, you may not always like your partner, but you always LOVE them!