IVF #5 Natural Cycle with Transfer

CD 1 decided to show up today. I really thought yesterday was going to be day one, but my body said, nah, just messing with you.

I have my baseline appointment on Monday. I also still need to get a saline infused sonogram to evaluate my uterus. The SIS is scheduled for Thursday. The most fantastic part of this IVF cycle is ABSOLUTLEY NO STIMULATION MEDS!!!!

I am so looking forward to this cycle. The first med I'll take is the Lupron trigger shot. That will be followed by every six hour doses of ibuprofen until retrieval. Then I'll of course be on progesterone support. My clinic prefers a combo of oral and suppository progesterone. I'll also have to pick up a vial of the nasty PIO, but that's only in case I need it. My luteal phase defect may also require a little estrogen support, but that will be determined later in my cycle.

I'm guessing we will leave for California a week from Tuesday. I'm looking forward to beaches and sunshine. It's been so dreary here the last several days. Winter is quickly approaching and I'm not looking forward to it. I plan on soaking up every drop of sun I can. We will be there for at least a week as we wait for transfer after retrieval.

There is definitely some fear going into this cycle. I'm not sure what scares me more, the cycle not working or getting a positive. After so many years of infertility I'm not sure I can picture what success would look and feel like. I do know just like our last transfer 2 1/2 years ago, I plan on fully embracing this cycle. I will whole heartedly love this pregnancy no matter how long our little embryos decide to stick around. A BFN will hurt no matter what. I know this. But I never regretted believing in our pregnancy last time.

And that means...I'm one day pregnant!

Almost Insured

I'm so relieved. The life insurance issue is almost coming to a close. The first life insurance company we applied to flat out denied me because we're doing IVF. Our agent did some research and found a company that doesn't care about IVF and I was approved for their best rate!!! What a weight that has lifted off of my shoulders. Not that I plan on croaking anytime soon, but since we are trying to start a family it makes me feel better knowing we have that in place for the what ifs in life. All that's left is to submit some final paperwork and get my medical records from the first company over to the second company and we will be good to go. Yay!

In other news, I'm guessing we will be back in California in about 3 1/2ish weeks. I'm not really sure what to make of this cycle. I skipped doing BBT for a week while we were out of town. Then the last several days shows I appeared to have ovulated on CD 12 which is early for me. For most of the last year I ovulate more on CD14/15. So depending on what my luteal phase decides to do, this could be a really short cycle. I'm interested to see what my body is up to this cycle.

Emotional Overload

Today I've been an emotional roller coaster. Good thing for my husband, he's been at work all day. Not sure what triggered it, but it's here. Back two and a half years ago when our second IVF was coming to a close I very quickly slipped into a fairly significant depression. I had a really hard year after our IVF cycle failed. During that time I had my second endometriosis surgery, went on a high dose of progesterone for several months, and my husband's sister had baby number 2 and got pregnant with number 3 a few months later. It was a very hard year in my life. I frequently struggled. Our marriage took a beating. I hated the person I had become. It was a lot of hard work to crawl out of the hole I dug for myself. Eventually I got better. And I moved on with my life. I felt I was finally accepting of our infertility and was making plans for a future that may not include children of our own.

Then we decided to try another few rounds of IVF. I was and am still afraid of falling back into that same depression. Although, this time around I have a support network and I'm taking much better care of my body. I have a more realistic and positive outlook. And yet, I find I'm still struggling some days. Earlier in the day I suddenly found myself picturing how we would surprise our family if our cycle next month works. An hour later, I pictured how devastated I would be if it fails. And that brought up the very painful memories associated with our first two IVF cycles. It does worry me that we are attempting a transfer right before the holidays. I know how hard the holidays can be and I know how much harder they are with a recent failure. Part of me wants to go back to our original plan of waiting to transfer until January. Part of me wants to just try a transfer and get it over with. I know ultimately so much of this is out of my control.

My moods and visions vary greatly when I try picturing our future. I go from decorating a nursery in my mind to seeing us traveling the world together without children. Of course I want a child, but then part of me is sad about what I will be sacrificing for my career and hobbies. I know that sounds self-centered, but after failing at IVF I needed to focus on the good things I can accomplish. Now is the time of year we are considering signing up for winter coed sports. Do we sign up figuring things won't work out? Do we not sign up at all because what if it affects our outcome? I'm at a crossroads and have many decisions to make regarding my career, our home, our future, and our hobbies.

It's amazing what writing this all out does for a person. I just realized why I'm struggling so much. I'm in limbo again. I HATE being in limbo. Once again we're putting aspects of our lives on hold in quest of making a baby. And that frustrates me to no end. I hate the in-between. I hate the waiting. I'm too much of a type A planner. No wonder I'm going crazy right now.

I think a lot of deep breathing exercises, a massage, and some good distractions need to be in my future for the next couple of months. Oh look, I just gave myself something to plan...!

Hormone Crash

It's days like today when I am so thankful to not be working a full-time job.

CD 1 hit with a vengeance today. I knew it was coming, but the intensity still surprised me a bit. I was really hoping it would be closer to normal since I used so little medication this cycle. I was wrong. I had a meeting this morning and then spent the afternoon on the couch curled up with a heating pad and the fireplace on. My sweet little cat discovered I had the heating pad in my lap and decided to curl up for a bit. We napped. For four hours. And I still feel like I could crawl into bed and sleep until tomorrow. Thankfully an awesome acupuncture treatment earlier this week has kept the pain bearable. The acupuncturist I see uses electro-acupuncture for the points in my abdomen and I really feel it has made a difference for my endo-pain. I've made it through today and know that it will only get better from here.

I was trying to estimate counting out the days to my October cycle since my cycles like to vary and it looks like we could be doing a transfer around the 24-26th of October. Yikes. Not sure I'm ready yet....

The Crash is Coming

I can feel. It's coming. Soon.

The hormone crash after an IVF cycle is so not fun. Even with the minimal amount of medication it's still not pleasant. Unfortunately having any increase in my estrogen levels leads to more endo pain. I'm just ready to get it over with. I have one more night of provera. I'm assuming CD 1 will be Tuesday. If it even holds off until then. I'll just be taking it easy and pampering myself until it's over. If I remember correctly after my banking cycle in May the following two cycles were pretty unpleasant. Hoping that's not the case this time.

On the bright side I should be done with my period before we go on a mini vacation. We're excited to reconnect with friends that are scattered all over.  It should be good times. And I may even allow myself a drink or two along the way.

Life Insurance Bull$#!T!!!

I am so incredibly upset and pissed off. Recently my husband and I both applied for life insurance. I was denied based solely on the fact that I am currently seeking IVF treatments. If I were to become pregnant with a SINGLE or we were to end treatments, I could then be covered. Bull. Shit.

Awesome Blast Report

We received the final blast report by email Monday evening. Our second banking cycle has been successful! We have two more ice babies! The quality of our blasts was much better than last time. Our last banking cycle it took our blasts until day 6 and we had two that were 4CC, one 4BC, and one 4BB. This cycle our blasts made it to that stage on day five and we have a 4AA and 4AB!!! Dr. Y was completely right in his prediction about getting better quality this time. I really feel hopeful we may have a chance at getting a take home baby.

Recovery from retrieval has gone well, although I felt I was more bloated than last time. I'm also starting to get some pain from my endo, but I had that last time, too. We had to go out of town this week and I completely forgot to take my provera with me. Cue panic until we found a pharmacy willing to help us out. Five days left of taking it, then my period should start.

Thankfully this next month should fly by. We have so much going on. It still amazes me how even though I'm not working full time right now, I am still busy every single day. But, a more consistent schedule would really be nice. Hoping to find a long term subbing job after our next cycle in October. Until then we will be rejoicing in our good news from this cycle.