TTC Naturally After IVF

Out: Max dosing of fertility drugs

In: Usual daily vitamins, baby aspirin, DHEA

Out: Needles

In: 90 minute massages

Out: Sitting on my butt at home (didn’t want to risk upsetting implantation)

In: 40-50 min of cardio and 30-40 min of weights Every. Day.

Out: Eating a ‘fertility friendly’ diet and pigging out after BFNs

In: More fruits and veggies, no soda, a little desert most nights

Out: Eating out at restaurants

In: Learning to cook

Out: Charting my temps, cm, ovulation, etc.

In: Only noting the first day of my period

Out: Feeling like a crazy hormonal person

In: Feeling more level headed and calm

Out: Social recluse

In: Making new friends and exploring our new city

Out: Dealing with family drama

In: Trying to stay far away from it all (the extra 400 miles certainly helps!)

Out: Boycotting facebook entirely while TTC

In: Adding many new friends and not hiding pregnant friends

Out: Fighting with Hubby about the timing of sex

In: Trying to reclaim a more normal sex life

Out: Lots of acne

In: Clearer skin, but still a few pimples

Out: Analyzing every little symptom or lack thereof

In: Still working on ignoring the signs

Out: Abstaining from alcohol

In: Enjoying a drink or two or sometimes even three without guilt

Out: Most days feeling sad about not having a baby

In: Occasional sad days, but getting fewer and farther between

Out: Worried about early menopause before having funds to try again

In: Yep, still worried about that one. A lot. Stupid ovaries.

Out: Not getting enough sleep

In: Allowing myself to use melatonin to help reset my sleeping pattern

Out: Crazy work schedule

In: Not working (hopefully will have something lined up by September)

Out: Working opposite shift from my Husband

In: Seeing my Husband every night and the days he’s not on call

Out: Dodging questions about us having a baby

In: Still dodging from family and old friends, trying honesty with new friends

Out: Stressing out about infertility

In: Trying to forget it most of the time…still working on this one

Out: Endo pain

In: Worsening endo pain (fertility drugs are NOT endo friendly)

Out: We only have a 2% chance of getting pregnant naturally

In: Fuck the 2%

Transitioning to TTC naturally after IVF is a difficult journey. You go from having everything carefully regulated and every little symptom diligently tracked to absolutely nothing. Who are we kidding, even the receptionist knows more about our period than we do. Then suddenly you run out of options for awhile or maybe even forever and find yourself in a very strange place. Suddenly no one cares if you have your period and if it’s the full flow or spotting. There are no appointments to attend, no more things shoved up your vag and no more instructions to wait for. You’re now a very seasoned infertile, but you’re back to doing things old school. It’s like going back to the beginning, only not. Because you’ve lost the innocence you once had. You know way too much now. You know the odds and everything you’re working against. And yet, you’re still willing to give it a try, because what else are you going to do?

And let’s be honest, you will forever be wondering and hoping, what if?

It Wasn't Supposed To Be....

We made our big move a few weeks ago. It’s been quite the transition.

My Husband had exactly three days off from his last day there to his starting date here. Obviously that doesn’t leave a lot of time to move. The whole process was actually a lot smoother than I thought it would be. We had a couple awesome friends of ours that helped us move by loading up there, driving one of our cars, and helping unload here.

I haven’t yet been able to land a teaching job and likely won’t be able to in this community. I will substitute teach, but I still have almost two months off before I’ll start. This leaves the unpacking mostly to me. I’m so tired of looking at cardboard boxes I could scream. There are a few rooms I have pretty much put together as I want them. The two bathrooms, the kitchen, and the balcony are done. We have a rather large balcony and so we purchased a little patio set and plants and it has become my little retreat when I need a break.

We still have our bedroom, the living room and the second bedroom. Our bedroom isn’t done because we still plan on painting. The living room won’t be done for another week as our furniture hasn’t arrived yet. We decided when we moved that it would the perfect time to sell our old furniture and buy new ‘adult’ stuff since we were tired of looking like we still lived in a college dorm. The set we picked was of stock so they had to build it new. That’s awesome, except for waiting for it to arrive. Hello, camping chairs! The second bedroom will be our office. I have a huge mental block to putting that room together.

It was supposed to be our nursery.

Had our one little embryo hung in there, I would be decorating the room for our future child. I hate going in our office. Every time I do, I keep picturing a crib and changing table. It makes me so incredibly sad. I’m hoping time will ease the pain. We were so busy preparing for our move after our second failed IVF I never took the time to really grieve our loss. I didn’t even cry when we found out. The grief really hit about a week after we moved. I spent several days in tears and not wanting to get out of bed. I’ve had some good days since, but it’s still hard. Still sad. Still not what I pictured for our life.

So many of the girls I follow have finally received their hard earned BFPs. I am so happy, but just can’t comment as I have no idea what to say. I still follow everyone, just more as an observer.

Hoping one day it will finally be MY turn.

  

You Know You Have Endo When...

Your Doctor asks YOU what pain meds and their doses to prescribe rather than making their own suggestions.

You can go from perfectly cheerful to being curled in a ball sobbing in pain in 1.2 seconds.

Your medicine cabinet requires TWO boxes when you move.

You know more about your disease than your gynecologist.

Your Husband tries to comfort you by rubbing your back and when you say, ‘DON’T TOUCH ME’ he knows to get up and leave the room before you rip his arm off.

You hear someone without endo complaining about cramps and you just want to shake them silly while yelling at them they have no freaking idea what they’re complaining about.

Your BFF’s are pain meds and a heating pad.

You’ve spent weeks of your life researching potential cures for your disease, trying any and all diets, exercise, hormones, etc. and finding at the end of the day most if it is all a bunch of crap.

You hate taking pills but the alternative is much worse so you choke them down and hope they kick in soon.

You celebrate good days by doing everything you can because you know it’s only a matter of time…..

You finish sex with tears in your eyes and your Husband thinks he was just that good, but it’s really because it hurt that much.

You become bitter and resentful that endo has taken away your ability to have children.

You write a blog post for the first time in a month and it sounds a lot like complaining, but you just don’t care because it’s one of those days.

Kick My Uterus Some More

It didn't take long for my period to show up post IVF this time.

At least I didn't work yesterday or I would have had no choice but to call in sick.

I soaked through five tampons in six hours.

Enough said.

Thank goodness for my BFFs oxycontin, valium, and prescription ibuprofen.

Today I felt somewhat better, but still pretty crappy.

Tonight we had an awards dinner for my Husband's work.

We got there a little early and found a place to sit.

Soon enough our table filled up.

And of course a 9 months pregnant lady ended up sitting right next to me.

And rubbed her belly through most of the evening.

And one of Hubby's coworkers dumped his week old baby in my arms.

Pretty sure if anyone asked when we would have kids, I would have lost it.

I'm so hurt and lost right now.

Still reading blogs but not commenting.

I don't know what do do with myself since we're benched for at least 2 years.

Just so much sadness in our life.

And we move in less than a month.

    

 

Goodbye, Petri

4 weeks NOT pregnant.

Maybe, Maybe Not

3 weeks 5 days pregnant? (9dp3dt)

Results are in.

Beta is 2.

The lab at my clinic considers <1 not pregnant.
A 2 falls into the gray area of not positive, but not negative.

WTF?

I prepared myself today to see two different results. Positive or Negative.

But not inconclusive.

I had my results emailed. Usually they call pregnancy tests, but I prefer to take things in on my own. That way if I need to cry or yell I can do so without someone other than my Husband hearing.

I called the clinic to discuss what I should think of all this.

The nurse said it could go either way. What's important is what Friday will show.

They recently had one girl start with a 1 and she kept moving up.

My progesterone is also low.

But that is likely due to using suppositories instead of the PIO. It doesn't get into your blood stream as much. To be on the safe side I'm going from two a day to three a day.

I have 4 scenarios running through my mind.

1. It's ectopic.
2. It's a good pregnancy, but Petri took a long time to settle in.
3. It's a chemical pregnancy.
4. It's not a pregnancy, just the HCG shot lingering.

I'm dreading Friday's lab more than I did today's lab.



   

I Never Thought Cramps Would be Exciting!

3 weeks 3 days pregnant! (7dp3dt)

Last night I experienced several instances of cramping.

Mostly just a dull pressure that was definitely in my uterus.

Although, I do have to stay somewhat reasonable, it could be from many things: my endo, the fact that my bowels finally started working properly (stupid progesterone), or hopefully, it was Petri.

I hope I hope I hope it was Petri snuggling in!

Progesterone sides effects are not the most fun I've ever had. Warning - TMI!

I was fortunate to have the option of doing suppositories or PIO. I figured since I wouldn't be allowed to have sex, I might as well shove things in my vagina instead of sticking a large needle in my ass every night.

I think I chose wisely. Having to wear a pantyliner is so not a big deal and there really isn't much that comes out anyways. Although I do wonder where all that stuff goes.....the pamphlet said something about globules......yea.......the grossest part is having to insert the estrace tablet since those don't come with applicators.....I'll spare you the rest........but really, if I had to choose again, it would be suppositories, they're really easy to deal with.

Thanks to the progesterone I'm also sleep deprived.

Friday night I slept less than 2 hours. I was so exhausted by the time I was done with work on Saturday I fell asleep on the couch while Hubby was making supper. He woke me up to eat and I just started bawling. He asked what was wrong and in between sobs I hiccuped out "I'm too tired to eat!" Needless to say, I went to bed really early that night and slept solidly for a good 2 1/2 hours......then was wide awake! After laying there for 3 hours I desperately caved in and took a benadryl.... it worked, but I felt horribly guilty until I had my Hubby check to see if benadryl is safe. It's category B so it's all good.

The lovely acne is still hanging around. It recruited some friends and is starting to invade my boobs. I'm so tempted to pop all the little pimples. Yes, I am a pimple popper. There's something so satisfying about squeezing the disgusting crap out of zits and pimples. (Don't worry, I have received the lecture from my dermatologist. Twice.) I must confess, today I allowed myself to pop some of the larger ones. I wouldn't care so much, but summer is just around the corner and chest acne is not conducive to wearing tank tops or swimsuits.

Fortunately for my Husband I don't think I've been any more cranky on the progesterone than any of the other drugs. I think my mood is pretty good for the most part. Still staying positive and enjoying each day I have.

First beta is Wednesday. Not really sure why my clinic does them so early (9dp3dt). They check beta and progesterone levels. They told me the first one could be negative. Way to freak out an infertile. I really thought I would be POAS by now, but I don't have any in the house and haven't really had the urge to buy one. Maybe I just want to continue basking in my blissful ignorance a while longer. Even if I tested Wednesday, that could be early for a home test.

We'll see what happens.