Our Baby is Gone

I am not able to even begin to wrap my mind around the last couple of weeks. Our ectopic was such and extremely rare event for a couple of reasons. Ectopics are rarely seen in 5 day transfers. Blasts are so close to implanting they just don't travel much. My left tube is the one that was supposedly blocked for the last two years or more from inside my uterus. It's the tube we never should have had to worry about. Adding these things together and I just can't make sense of what happened. I don't think my doctors can either.

We had a repeat ultrasound and beta on Monday. My beta was still going up, it was over 6700. After reviewing the ultrasound the doctor did feel it was most likely ectopic. Nothing was seen in my uterus except for the same fluid that was there on Friday. I asked her to consult with my doctor in California before we went ahead with surgery. She got a hold of him right away and he agreed with moving forward with tube removal. I had to report immediately to the hospital admitting. I first started crying as soon as I got to my room on the surgical unit. The nurses were very sensitive to my situation, it makes a huge difference having kind staff helping you. There were a couple of other emergent cases before mine so I had to wait about 2 1/2 hours.

I had a complete meltdown outside the operating suite. There were three very kind nurses there with me and I just started bawling. I told them right at that moment I was pregnant, but when I left the OR I no longer would be. Up until that moment my baby was still alive and growing. I mentioned a little bit about what we'd been through to get up to that point. I had two of the nurses in tears by the time we actually moved into the OR.

Post-op was a nightmare. I have never been so nauseous after surgery. I'm sure the fact that in the previous 24 hours all I had eaten was a granola bar had not helped my situation. They maxed out on nausea meds and were mentioning that I may have to stay overnight if I didn't start feeling better. I sucked it up the best I could and pushed for home. Once home I had a very long night. I was up every 45-60min to pee and my whole abdomen hurt from surgery. After about 4 hours of being home the nausea finally started to subside.

Tuesday I just munched on cheerios and applesauce and gatorade. My in-laws drove eight hours round  trip just to see us for two hours. That was extremely thoughtful of them. My doctor thought the odds of a viable pregnancy in my uterus is extremely low at this point, but gave us the option of continuing the PIO shots just in case. My husband wants to give it a chance so we are going ahead with them until a beta next week.Today I am feeling better. I haven't taken anything for pain since last night before bed. My appetite is slowly returning. I removed the bandaids from surgery and my scars look ugly. Not sure what happened to the one on my right hip, but it's over an inch long and very bruised. And after three laps now my poor belly button will never look the same. It even looks like it's struggling to stay an inny.

Emotionally I am still completely numb. It seems like this was all a very bad nightmare. Of all things to happen. We were so cautious, but then our betas kept doubling at good rates. And then we get hit with this. I think it's going to take some time to grieve this loss. I don't know how long it will take for me to accept that our baby is really gone.