Our Baby is Gone

I am not able to even begin to wrap my mind around the last couple of weeks. Our ectopic was such and extremely rare event for a couple of reasons. Ectopics are rarely seen in 5 day transfers. Blasts are so close to implanting they just don't travel much. My left tube is the one that was supposedly blocked for the last two years or more from inside my uterus. It's the tube we never should have had to worry about. Adding these things together and I just can't make sense of what happened. I don't think my doctors can either.

We had a repeat ultrasound and beta on Monday. My beta was still going up, it was over 6700. After reviewing the ultrasound the doctor did feel it was most likely ectopic. Nothing was seen in my uterus except for the same fluid that was there on Friday. I asked her to consult with my doctor in California before we went ahead with surgery. She got a hold of him right away and he agreed with moving forward with tube removal. I had to report immediately to the hospital admitting. I first started crying as soon as I got to my room on the surgical unit. The nurses were very sensitive to my situation, it makes a huge difference having kind staff helping you. There were a couple of other emergent cases before mine so I had to wait about 2 1/2 hours.

I had a complete meltdown outside the operating suite. There were three very kind nurses there with me and I just started bawling. I told them right at that moment I was pregnant, but when I left the OR I no longer would be. Up until that moment my baby was still alive and growing. I mentioned a little bit about what we'd been through to get up to that point. I had two of the nurses in tears by the time we actually moved into the OR.

Post-op was a nightmare. I have never been so nauseous after surgery. I'm sure the fact that in the previous 24 hours all I had eaten was a granola bar had not helped my situation. They maxed out on nausea meds and were mentioning that I may have to stay overnight if I didn't start feeling better. I sucked it up the best I could and pushed for home. Once home I had a very long night. I was up every 45-60min to pee and my whole abdomen hurt from surgery. After about 4 hours of being home the nausea finally started to subside.

Tuesday I just munched on cheerios and applesauce and gatorade. My in-laws drove eight hours round  trip just to see us for two hours. That was extremely thoughtful of them. My doctor thought the odds of a viable pregnancy in my uterus is extremely low at this point, but gave us the option of continuing the PIO shots just in case. My husband wants to give it a chance so we are going ahead with them until a beta next week.Today I am feeling better. I haven't taken anything for pain since last night before bed. My appetite is slowly returning. I removed the bandaids from surgery and my scars look ugly. Not sure what happened to the one on my right hip, but it's over an inch long and very bruised. And after three laps now my poor belly button will never look the same. It even looks like it's struggling to stay an inny.

Emotionally I am still completely numb. It seems like this was all a very bad nightmare. Of all things to happen. We were so cautious, but then our betas kept doubling at good rates. And then we get hit with this. I think it's going to take some time to grieve this loss. I don't know how long it will take for me to accept that our baby is really gone.

It's ectopic

Going in for surgery tonight. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the fact that my baby is going to be cut out of me. This is just awful.

This is Just Mean

It's official. The universe hates me.

My local clinic called and checked up on me on Wednesday morning. They asked if I wanted to come in for another beta and of course I said yes. You dangle extra monitoring in front of an infertile and she's going to take you up on it. Beta was 1893. A respectable increase.

My local doctor has also been following my case. I have only seen her once previously and that was in July to get a referral I needed for my doctor in CA to be covered in-network. After seeing my ultrasound Monday and my beta Wednesday, she wanted me to come in today for another ultrasound and beta. Beta today was 3800, a little more than double from Wednesday.

Background: This is important - two years ago when I had my last surgery for endometriosis the doctor found that my left tube was plugged from inside my uterus from endo. She did not try to clear the area because she felt it would cause scarring and that would be permanent. She has rarely seen tubes reopen, but it has happened.

Monday's ultrasound showed a possible growth in my left tube. Today that growth was much larger. There was also something seen in my uterus. My doctor told me that if I was a normal patient I would be in surgery right now having my tube removed. But, since we've been through so much and I'm not having any pain, she is willing to let me coast until Monday. The spot in my uterus could be fluid from the ectopic or it could be the other embryo. That's also why she's willing to let us wait until Monday. The on-call doctor has been notified so if I do have to go into the ER they will know what's going on. And of course my local doctor is off next week, so she's talked with another one of the OB/GYN's to follow me on Monday.

So basically the damn thing planted itself in the last place I ever expected. I finally get pregnant and it's going to end like this. This feels really cruel.

Yesterday I asked my acupuncturist if there was a way to tell if I'm having a boy or girl. He said there is a theory, although he has not found it to be anywhere near consistent. However, he checked for me, and in following with the Chinese theory, it's a boy.

Update: My IVF doctor in California called me back. He is not 100% convinced it's ectopic, but of course he acknowledges he hasn't seen the ultrasound images. He said there could be another issue in my tube. He said it's very rare for a day 5 blast to wander into a tube. He also doesn't feel that a rupture is imminent because usually that happens when your beta gets higher and the pregnancy is further along. But of course I am still to report to the ER if any symptoms arise. He thinks the ultrasound will hopefully show more on Monday. If it is ectopic he recommends removing the tube since we transferred two and if there is a viable pregnancy in my uterus he doesn't want to risk harming it.Basically we are just playing a waiting game.

More Bleeding and an Ultrasound

I woke this morning to bright red blood that was enough to almost be a light flow. I called the clinic and they had me go in for an ultrasound. No gestational sack was seen. I'm 5 weeks 5 days. I know my uterus is tilted so that could possibly be a contributing factor. I have a repeat ultrasound and a beta level next week. My poor cervix was not happy during the ultrasound and it caused quite a bit more bleeding. As of this evening the bleeding seems to have tapered off. I still don't have much of anything for cramps. Just mild twinges randomly and my cervix felt sore for awhile after the ultrasound this morning. No clots either. On bedrest until next week. I'm also drinking water like a fish. I know things aren't looking good, but I'm still trying to keep a calm and positive mindset. Bedrest is proving to be a challenge. I can't lay on my stomach because my boobs hurt and I can't lay on my sides or back because my butt hurts from the PIO shots. One day at a time...

Bleeding Scare

Yesterday I didn't feel the greatest. I had a queasy stomach in the morning and the afternoon I had hot flashes. By the evening I was having some mild cramping so I laid on the couch and drank some water. The cramping soon subsided. Last night I had several spots of pink and then it turned to brown. Not enough to even be close to saturating a light pad, but more than just spotting.

I called my doctor first thing this morning. They had me go in for blood work. Apparently sometimes progesterone can dip and cause some bleeding. My beta was 682 and is a 46.95hr doubling time from Tuesday. My progesterone was 22.5. My doctor wants me to add the dreaded PIO shots on top of the endometrin suppositories. Not exactly what I wanted to be doing, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep this pregnancy safe. Next follow up will be an ultrasound early next week. I haven't had anymore bleeding or spotting and I've only had a few small twinges.

This was quite a scare, but after seeing my beta I'm feeling better. My amazing husband has been waiting on me all day. He's doing his best to keep me distracted. Praying our little turtle is still hanging on.

Happy

I am choosing to be happy.

Our journey has been so long and so hard at times. I am choosing to be happy about our current pregnancy. I am 5 weeks today! My orders from my beta yesterday were to follow up with an OB ultrasound next week. My doctor obviously feels confident enough in my beta results to move forward. I don't have any more blood tests scheduled before the ultrasound. If he's not worried, then I'm not going to be. I feel peaceful and content about this pregnancy. I am going to enjoy every moment for as long as we have it. I'm choosing not to obsess and worry. I am trying very hard to stay away from Dr. Google, aside from looking at the developmental stages. I'm taking care of myself and getting in some extra visits with my acupuncturist. I'm minimizing any stress in my life. My heart and soul are focused solely on the little one growing in my belly. I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some really really good news next week. So until then...

I am choosing to be happy!

30.47 and 100th Post

I finally hit 100 posts on my blog!

It has taken a long time and a lot of heartache to reach 100 posts.

But.

For once, I have GREAT NEWS!

30.47 is my doubling time since last beta.

Beta #3 was 222!

Quick Recap
Beta #1  9dp5dt  16
Beta #2  11dp5dt  25 (doubling time 71.44hrs)
Beta #3  15dp5dt  222 (doubling time 30.47hrs)

I'm happy, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time.

Trust me, I know my numbers are still low.

Although, if you think about it...let's say little turtle implanted two or three days later than the average. Then my beta numbers would be within the normal range. I'm embracing the good news for as long as we have it.

4weeks6days pregnant!

PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE
LET THIS FINALLY BE OUR TIME!!