6weeks6days

One strong little baby still growing away in there! Heart rate was 127! Measured 6weeks3days. I could have ovulated a day late and it was another abdominal ultrasound on a crappy machine so I'm not really concerned about it measuring a little behind.

Next visit is in two weeks for my first "official" OB visit and another ultrasound. I also asked for a referral to a dietician. With my massive blood loss a few months ago and now still breastfeeding while pregnant I really want to make sure I'm meeting my nutritional needs.

Morning sickness has only been a few fleeting moments. I was puking by this point with my daughter. I've felt more sick this afternoon but wonder how much of it is related to my daughter having a bad cold and going on three nights in a row of very little sleep. I've had way more fatigue with this pregnancy - all I think about all day is how much I wish I was sleeping....

So very grateful to be where I'm at right now.

I still feel like I'm living in a dream...

5weeks5days

We had another ultrasound today. We have one strong little baby in there! Gestational sac measured 5w4d and the yolk sac was visible. Only ONE baby in there. The other spots we saw last week did not appear to be there anymore. Although today they just did an abdominal ultrasound instead of a vaginal ultrasound so the picture wasn't as clear. Still no sign of an ectopic pregnancy. They will continue to monitor this pregnancy very closely. I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week. Should have a nice strong heartbeat by then! I'm still feeling really good. Morning sickness has not hit yet so still consuming all the healthy food I can. I could not stomach any raw vegetables my first trimester last time and only limited cooked veggies. I really need to push good nutrition this time as my daughter is still nursing. Speaking of nursing...sensitive pregnancy nipples make for an almost painful nursing experience. I'm also starting to really feel letdown again. My daughter shows no sign of wanting to end her nursing and she's cutting a bunch of new teeth right now so I'm going to hang in there as long as I can. I know how nutritious breast milk still is for her - especially as she gets more into this picky toddler stage. We'll get it figured out. I also contacted my doula today and she's available and happy to help me again! Just under 8 months to go!

5 Weeks 0 Days Beta & Ultrasound

My beta this morning at 21 dpo was 3151!!

My doctor wasn't in today and the nurse I spoke with after getting my blood result tried to get me to wait until tomorrow for an ultrasound but I absolutely insisted on coming in today. So they set me up with an NP instead and yet, my doctor ended up being in the clinic this afternoon and reviewed my chart anyways.

Ultrasound was interesting. There is a tiny little cyst on my left ovary they plan on keeping a close eye on. In my uterus....well...I've had so many ultrasounds over the years so I'm fairly familiar with what I see on the screen. My husband was with today as well. We both saw the tech measure three different little sacs in my uterus. Only at the end of the ultrasound did she point at the biggest of the three and called it a gestational sac. So....what were the other two spots??? (I knew better than to ask this particular tech - she gets very defensive very easily.) She measured all three of them and typed in gest. sac on the screen with the measurements each time. Unless it's so early and those other two were a little smaller that they just don't mention them?? I asked the NP when we saw her afterwards and the tech didn't make any notes about the other two spots. But with my beta being so high and the sac(s) being so small yet I can't help but think maybe we're looking at multiples?? How absurd would that be!

Next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday. They wanted me to go a week, but with my history I refused and insisted on an earlier appt. Another 5 day wait it is...

Doubt Creeping In...

Second beta yesterday at 14 days past ovulation was 256!!! Doubling time of 25 hours. To compare my daughter was 166 at the same point! The result made me feel better that we hopefully have a viable pregnancy.

Then last night I started having sharp periodic pains on my left side. I was also having a very dull ache around my left kidney. It freaked me out. I spent the whole night worrying. I have not had any spotting.

Other pregnancy symptoms are starting to pop up. My boobs have gotten a little bigger. I'm bloated and my little pooch is already starting to feel a little more solid. I can only imagine how ginormous my belly would get with another pregnancy. I was finally getting my core strength back before my ectopic three months ago and surgery ruined all my progress. I was just starting again on an exercise routine. Oh well. It's all worth it for a healthy baby!

Tonight I'm feeling more calm as the random pains seem to be done.

Ultrasound next Thursday! Hoping I can keep my sanity until then. This wait is so much more excruciating than my IVF cycles - I know too much about what can go wrong.

Praying we get good news next week!

I'm An Infertile Cliche

Apparently you can get pregnant from having sex.

Apparently. 

We struggled with what to do for permanent birth control. Ultimately I talked my husband into we decided to let nature take its course over the next six months. If at the end of those six months I wasn't pregnant we were going to do a frozen embryo transfer. My reasoning was I didn't want to have surgery just to get my last tube removed. I figured if I ended up with another ectopic I would have my last tube removed along with it. So my plan was to buy a stockpile of cheap pregnancy tests and I would test every month regardless if my period showed up since my last ectopic was outside my uterus and I had a period 18 days prior to it rupturing. I was also going to start paying attention to our cat who seems to really like sleeping on top of me at night when I'm pregnant.

About five days ago I started having some very familiar mild cramping. I somewhat entertained the thought, but ultimately decided, no, I was crazy, because when does something like that ever happen?! Then four nights ago the cat started sleeping on me at night. Yesterday afternoon my stash of cheap pregnancy tests came in the mail. It was also what should have been the start of my period as my cycles are fairly consistently only 25 days since I have a short luteal phase. For some inexplicable reason I felt very happy to see those tests in the mail. I took one with to the bathroom. It's the wondfo brand and it's a very basic dip stick. I watched the urine soak up the little stick and the control line pop up. But no second line. I started cleaning up and when I looked back at the stick to throw it away...

holy shit...two lines...

I was pretty much in shock. My husband was downstairs and I called him (because I'm lazy like that) and asked him to come upstairs. He asked what for and I said to just get in here it's important. He came in the bathroom and asked what's up? I pointed at the test and said - you tell me!

I came to my senses shortly after and called my OB office. They put in for a beta and progesterone level. My beta was 71 at 12 days past ovulation. I go in for a repeat tomorrow and another one next Thursday. If my Hcg is high enough Thursday they will get me in right away for an ultrasound since I'm at such a high risk for a repeat ectopic. My progesterone was on the lower end at 18 and I'm starting suppositories since I have had issues in the past with low progesterone.

I'm probably crazy, but I just have a sense of calm and optimism about this little baby chillin in there. I'm usually very intuitive when bad things are about to happen and I haven't felt even the slightest twinge of worry. Of course no one will know for sure until we have confirmation. And for some reason I've already been referring to the baby as her. Perhaps our daughter will have a little sister come next April?!

So yea...

Apparently you CAN get pregnant from sex...

Conflicted

My beta finally hit 1, or negative as the clinic called it. Twice now I've had to follow my beta down after an ectopic and it was equally awful both times. Although this time I was finally smart enough to get my blood draws at a lab location that rarely sees pregnant women or children. I'm so over getting my blood drawn. I have crappy veins to begin with. Then add years and probably 100+ blood draws at this point and yea...blood draws suck. 

I did some research about repeat ectopics. Because I like to torture myself. The odds of having a second ectopic is 1/10. Which I obviously hit the crap end of those odds. The chance of a third ectopic jumps significantly to over 50%. And it's even higher if you had surgery to resolve your previous ectopic(s). Basically that's what happened this time. Sperm found the egg I ovulated on my tubeless left side and the fertilized egg had no where else to go so it decided to settle in on the outside of my uterus. 

So I'm almost guaranteeing myself another ectopic if I were to get pregnant naturally. The science literature recommends IVF for repeat ectopic patients, however, my first ectopic was from an IVF cycle, so where the hell does that leave me??? 

Logically and from a medical standpoint it would be advised I don't ever try for pregnancy again as the odds are not in my favor. Even if an ectopic was caught early, it wouldn't prevent having a 5th!! laparoscopic surgery. 

Emotionally...it's not that easy....

From the second I held my daughter in my arms I knew I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to grow another human and care for and raise another child. Prior to infertility I saw myself having 3-4 kids. It goes without saying I know how blessed I am to have my daughter. Wanting a sibling for her doesn't take away from how much she means to us - quite the opposite - we love her so much we want more than anything to give her a sibling.

But...my daughter almost lost her mom. You don't realize how much becoming a parent changes your way of thinking. I almost died and instead of thinking about it from a self perspective my focus has always been more about what almost happened to my daughter - what she almost lost - the thought makes me sick to my stomach every. single. time. 

I recently had a follow up with my internal medicine Doctor (so someone who does not do any OB) and asked him his thoughts. He's been in practice for 30 years and I respect his opinions. We had quite the conversation and his ultimate conclusion was what happened to me is as close as it gets to losing your life and that maybe we just hold on to what we already have in life - one beautiful and healthy child with both her parents alive and well. 

I'm just so conflicted. In hindsight we should probably have had my right tube removed during surgery. Then my uterus would have been completely sealed off making IVF a relatively safe option. But being the emergency it was there wasn't time for those kind of thoughts or decisions. I could decide to have my right tube removed now, but of course that would mean surgery. And it would permanently remove the option of a natural pregnancy. And for some reason the thought of that makes me really really sad - even though I know how dangerous another natural pregnancy could be. I also can't even begin to think about doing the logistics of IVF out of state again now that I have a child. 

It's all frustrating. And sad. So much sadness surrounding our limited options. I know we'll eventually make a decision. And someday I'll find time to grieve all the losses surrounding this ectopic. 

Conflicted...and sad...

Surprise Natural Pregnancy...Ended in Ectopic...

Earlier this past week I ended up in the clinic for what I was assuming at the time was a ruptured cyst. Instead I went downhill very very quickly and shortly after the PA came in to examine me I was being wheeled to the ER and after a CT and blood work I was rushed into emergency surgery. We had our Life IVF baby 10 months ago and out of six years of trying for a baby I've never had a natural pregnancy. My previous two chemical pregnancies and previous ectopic were from IVF cycles. I lost my left tube two years ago from the ectopic and this natural pregnancy decided to set up shop right next to the nub that was left on the outside of my uterus. I had no clue I was pregnant. I had just finished a period (since the pregnancy wasn't in my uterus) and was on cycle day 18. What I thought was a cyst rupturing was instead the pregnancy. I lost two liters of blood. Thankfully my doctor was able to stop the bleeding and she saved my uterus and my right tube is still intact. Our baby was 6weeks1day. I have a very long road to recovery ahead of me after losing almost half of my blood volume. But I'm thankful my daughter still has her mom.