Goodbye, Petri

4 weeks NOT pregnant.

Maybe, Maybe Not

3 weeks 5 days pregnant? (9dp3dt)

Results are in.

Beta is 2.

The lab at my clinic considers <1 not pregnant.
A 2 falls into the gray area of not positive, but not negative.

WTF?

I prepared myself today to see two different results. Positive or Negative.

But not inconclusive.

I had my results emailed. Usually they call pregnancy tests, but I prefer to take things in on my own. That way if I need to cry or yell I can do so without someone other than my Husband hearing.

I called the clinic to discuss what I should think of all this.

The nurse said it could go either way. What's important is what Friday will show.

They recently had one girl start with a 1 and she kept moving up.

My progesterone is also low.

But that is likely due to using suppositories instead of the PIO. It doesn't get into your blood stream as much. To be on the safe side I'm going from two a day to three a day.

I have 4 scenarios running through my mind.

1. It's ectopic.
2. It's a good pregnancy, but Petri took a long time to settle in.
3. It's a chemical pregnancy.
4. It's not a pregnancy, just the HCG shot lingering.

I'm dreading Friday's lab more than I did today's lab.



   

I Never Thought Cramps Would be Exciting!

3 weeks 3 days pregnant! (7dp3dt)

Last night I experienced several instances of cramping.

Mostly just a dull pressure that was definitely in my uterus.

Although, I do have to stay somewhat reasonable, it could be from many things: my endo, the fact that my bowels finally started working properly (stupid progesterone), or hopefully, it was Petri.

I hope I hope I hope it was Petri snuggling in!

Progesterone sides effects are not the most fun I've ever had. Warning - TMI!

I was fortunate to have the option of doing suppositories or PIO. I figured since I wouldn't be allowed to have sex, I might as well shove things in my vagina instead of sticking a large needle in my ass every night.

I think I chose wisely. Having to wear a pantyliner is so not a big deal and there really isn't much that comes out anyways. Although I do wonder where all that stuff goes.....the pamphlet said something about globules......yea.......the grossest part is having to insert the estrace tablet since those don't come with applicators.....I'll spare you the rest........but really, if I had to choose again, it would be suppositories, they're really easy to deal with.

Thanks to the progesterone I'm also sleep deprived.

Friday night I slept less than 2 hours. I was so exhausted by the time I was done with work on Saturday I fell asleep on the couch while Hubby was making supper. He woke me up to eat and I just started bawling. He asked what was wrong and in between sobs I hiccuped out "I'm too tired to eat!" Needless to say, I went to bed really early that night and slept solidly for a good 2 1/2 hours......then was wide awake! After laying there for 3 hours I desperately caved in and took a benadryl.... it worked, but I felt horribly guilty until I had my Hubby check to see if benadryl is safe. It's category B so it's all good.

The lovely acne is still hanging around. It recruited some friends and is starting to invade my boobs. I'm so tempted to pop all the little pimples. Yes, I am a pimple popper. There's something so satisfying about squeezing the disgusting crap out of zits and pimples. (Don't worry, I have received the lecture from my dermatologist. Twice.) I must confess, today I allowed myself to pop some of the larger ones. I wouldn't care so much, but summer is just around the corner and chest acne is not conducive to wearing tank tops or swimsuits.

Fortunately for my Husband I don't think I've been any more cranky on the progesterone than any of the other drugs. I think my mood is pretty good for the most part. Still staying positive and enjoying each day I have.

First beta is Wednesday. Not really sure why my clinic does them so early (9dp3dt). They check beta and progesterone levels. They told me the first one could be negative. Way to freak out an infertile. I really thought I would be POAS by now, but I don't have any in the house and haven't really had the urge to buy one. Maybe I just want to continue basking in my blissful ignorance a while longer. Even if I tested Wednesday, that could be early for a home test.

We'll see what happens.

Was That A Twinge?!

3 weeks 1 day pregnant! (5dp3dt)

Petri should be implanting today!

I was working this morning and had three separate twinges.

They were all in the center or just to the right side of my uterus.

I can discount it as being endo related since those issues are always on the left.

Just a quick sharp little tug each time.

Oh, Petri, we really hope you're working as hard at implanting as we did at getting you here.

We'd love to meet you in 9 months!

Stay strong little one!


 On a side note......

I woke up this morning with the craziest rash/acne thing going on all over my chest and halfway up my neck. They're little red spots and if you look really close, most have tiny little whiteheads. I also have red acne looking spots on my upper back. Doesn't itch, just looks kinda gross. What is that all about? My initial reaction was allergic reaction, but Hubby things it's just an acne breakout from all the drugs. Anyone else ever get this? And here I was thinking the other day my skin is the clearest it's been since starting all these crazy fertility drugs....


   

3 Weeks

I'm 3 weeks pregnant today! (4dp3dt)

How fun to think of things that way!

Petri should be finding some prime real estate in my uterus today to put down roots.

I am still feeling very positive and wanting to just appreciate every single moment I have with Petri.

I know the odds and the reality, but instead of stressing I have made up my mind to be happy and to enjoy each day. Not to mention, I love playing the 'pregnancy' card with my Husband. Cat litter box needs cleaning? Better not! My back is sore, can you rub it for me? Petri wanted pizza for supper, and I had no choice but to agree! Laundry needs to be done? Sorry, but Petri says we need to take a nap instead!

Like I said, Loving. Every. Single. Moment.

My Husband has definitely noticed my improved mood. For so long I've been so stressed and down. But eventually, a person just can't do that anymore. I hope regardless of any outcome, I can keep this more positive attitude. Because I had no idea I even had it in me to be this happy in the midst of infertility.

Settle in little Petri!


  

Transfer

3dp3dt

Petri should be hatching today!

I’m still so happy and loving every moment!

My transfer was more stressful to me than the retrieval.

I fretted all weekend about only having one fertilized egg.

I woke up Monday morning at 4am. This was after going to bed at 2am.

I was freaking out that we would get a phone call any minute telling us Petri didn’t make it.

At least, I hoped my clinic would call instead of making us drive all the way over there.

Because that would have been really cruel.

I made my Husband call the clinic an hour before we were to leave to verify my instructions. Because my uterus and cervix like to be difficult it was decided long before our first IVF that I would require anesthesia for retrieval AND transfer. Dr. RE wanted my uterus to be as relaxed as possible. Remembering how painful and horrible my IUI’s were, I eagerly agreed to this plan.

Since the clinic only does this once or twice a year, they don’t have a nice little protocol sheet typed up for patients like me. So I got the basic sheet with the full bladder instructions on it. I didn’t think to ask on Friday if I was supposed to still fill my bladder or not. Logically, I figured no, since I was supposed to be NPO for anesthesia, but wanted to be sure. I also thought it would a perfect excuse to ask if everything was still a go for the transfer.

Husband ended up speaking with the office manager that is a complete IDIOT. She told him that yes; of course I needed to drink water. Ummm….okay. Then when he was asking if our embryo made it through the weekend, he got cut off. He called the clinic back and this time IDIOT office manager said, don’t let her drink water, she’s supposed to be NPO. They’ll fill her bladder during the procedure.

We arrived at the clinic at 11am. The two front office ladies were asking me if I was excited for today. I told them I was worried if our one embryo even made it through the weekend, and one of them said, it must have because they would have for sure called that morning. I felt a little better after that. We were then taken back to a conference room to meet with Dr. RE. Again, I started freaking out thinking something was wrong. But it’s protocol for them to go over your embryo report and have you sign it.

Out of our three eggs, only one made it. One egg was multi-nucleated (spelling?) and the other had many occlusions. I asked if that meant that I produced bad eggs. I was told no. That these types of findings are very normal and usually around a third of eggs retrieved have something wrong with them. The one egg that fertilized was absolutely perfect and produced a perfect embryo with no fragmentation. Dr. RE said they can’t make a better embryo than we produced. He said if my eggs were bad, there is no way we could end up with a perfect embryo. <huge sigh of relief>

For once in all of this, we finally got some really good news!

I was taken back to get ready for the OR and Hubby was sent back to the waiting room. Because of them doing anesthesia again, Hubby was not allowed in the surgical suite so neither of us was able to see the actual transfer take place.

They had the picture of Petri and took it out to Hubby in the waiting room while I was back there, so he got to see it before I did. He thought that was pretty cool to get the picture while he was waiting.

Next thing I remember is waking up in recovery in excruciating pain. I had tears pouring down my cheeks and was squirming all over the place. I think what likely happened is they filled my bladder very full (I normally don’t let it get very full because of my endo) and that stretched out and really irritated my endo. And they gave me two liters of fluid during the procedure, so my bladder was filling up again while sitting in recovery, adding to my pain. I don’t remember a whole lot else, but I do remember seeing Dr. RE come back into the recovery room. He probably couldn’t believe how much pain I was in. He gave Hubby a script for some valium which I thankfully took as soon as I got home and had a six hour nap.

I tried to listen to my circle and bloom for transfer day several times, but with the valium on board, I kept falling asleep five minutes into it. The goal was to relax the uterus and I guess if I was completely passed out, then it was doing its job!

Three days later and I’m still sore, but feeling much better.

Retrieval

I want to thank all of you sweet ladies for taking time to leave such positive and encouraging comments. They really do help when going through this. I don't know what I would do without the added support of the infertility community. It helps so much to know there are many other people out there that know exactly how I feel. Thank you all for being so amazing. I have kept up reading your stories on my phone, but haven't felt up to sitting at a computer to type comments. I'm hoping to feel up to commenting again soon.

My 48 hours of bedrest is officially over, but I'm still taking it easy for one more day.

I can honestly say I'm very happy and calm. My Husband is amazed by my good mood. My belief is even if the next week is all I get with Petri, I am going to relish Every. Single. Moment. 

I'll divide up my retrieval/transfer into two posts to not make things too long.

My retrieval was last Friday. I went in with high hopes they would be able to retrieve eggs from all six follicles.

As we know, that was not meant to be.

They took me back first and my Husband was left in the waiting room.

I was taken back to a room to change into a gown and slippers. I was in the middle of changing when the Nurse Practitioner came in to do my preop assessment. Nothing like starting things off by showing off my bare butt! Then anesthesia came in and did their thing. Then it was time to go back.

Anesthesia walked me back to the OR suite and got me hooked up to everything. I still had my glasses on when we got back there, so of course I ended up seeing the MASSIVE needle they were going to use for the aspiration. Thankfully I was put under soon after that.

Next thing I know, I woke up in recovery sitting in a recliner with my Husband by my side. My favorite nurse was there and she was very attentive and sweet. I had a decent amount of pain, but after about 20 minutes the pain meds they gave me in the OR finally kicked in. After my recovery period, we were free to go. We were sent out to the waiting room while the nurse went to check to see how many eggs were retrieved.

Immediately when the nurse came out to the waiting room I knew something was wrong. She had that look in her eyes people get when they're about to tell you something bad. She squatted down in front of me and put her hand on my knee and as gently as possible told me only three eggs were retrieved. I think I repeated the number out loud a few times before starting to cry.

Here is why I love this nurse. She told me: "Listen to me. Three is not the end of the world. We have seen many cases like this where all three eggs fertilize. Don't give up, there is still hope and there are three of them. For all we know they are perfect eggs. You need to have hope. We'll make sure someone calls you tomorrow. Hang in there, those three eggs need you to believe in them." She then gave me the biggest hug ever.

I spent the rest of the day at home crying and feeling sad. And of course googling the crap out of low number of eggs retrieved.

Saturday morning one of the Drs. from the clinic called. I made my Husband answer the phone because I knew I would lose it if they told me none of them made it. One did make it and we were told to still plan on transfer on Monday.

The rest of the weekend was the longest two days of my life. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I made my Husband drive me by the clinic to visit my embryo (Twice Friday and once each Saturday and Sunday). It may have been crazy, but I needed to feel like I was doing something.