The Never-Ending Cold

We are officially halfway through this pregnancy! 

Although, my joy has been squashed by a nasty cold virus. I'm on day 15 of feeling like crap. It started with a sore throat and turned into a yucky cold with all the congestion, drainage, and coughing. I did my best to use approved cold meds as little as possible. About 10 days after the start of my cold I was finally feeling a little better. For about two days. Then I started coughing and wheezing - likely bronchitis. Then today I started having full body aches, fatigue, and running a low grade fever in the upper 99s. I started crying in the shower today because I don't remember the last time I felt so miserable. I would take morning sickness over this. I'm having a hard time coping with the physical pain. I have a significant Tylenol allergy (of all things!) so I don't have anything available for the pain. During my sore throat and cold I would take warm showers, but now with the low fever I can't really do that. I was desperate earlier today and used my heating pad on my neck on the lowest setting for a few minutes. Everything hurts. Even the cold toilet seat hurts so I've just been hovering or covering it with toilet paper. Thankfully baby girl seems to be doing well. She is still kicking and flipping around in there as much as normal. I suppose one positive is she's getting the antibodies from this cold. I called my OB yesterday and was told to watch for a fever closer to 101 and chills. I just really hope I turn a corner soon. Colds suck. 

Baby Kicks

I had to document tonight. I went to bed a little bit ago. My husband was still up working in his office. I started to really feel baby move. I thought I was also feeling it a bit from the outside, but wasn't sure. I called him in to the room and he put his hand on my belly. Baby girl went nuts kicking against his hand and he was able to feel it!!! I'm blown away how early in my pregnancy we were able to feel this. I'm 16weeks2days. The first bloops I ever felt were at 14weeks1day. Then it was over a week before I felt another bloop. I had a really obvious bloop this afternoon. And then nothing until I came to bed. I can't believe how quickly I went from hardly anything to both of us being able to feel her. Just an amazing feeling!! And my husband is already being the over protective daddy. When he decided he had enough he told me to leave 'his' baby alone - that we had pestered her enough for the day. 😊 Love love LOVE this stage of pregnancy!!

Infertility Wounds Run Deep

Two years ago I was incredibly lucky to meet and become friends with an amazing woman who battled infertility herself. She's now in her 50's with three adult children. She went through about ten years of infertility on and off. We've had many conversations over time and one that has always stuck with me is when she said the wounds of infertility run deep and they're permanent. Over time the wounds scab over, but they'll always be there. Sometimes this can be a blessing - if you do end up with children you never forget how wanted they are. And other times it can be a burden - happy moments are interrupted by a fleeting thought that reminds you there are no guarantees in life.

Today I finally started taking down all the Christmas decorations. It was bitter sweet. For the first time in years I felt we had a reason to really be happy over the holidays. Goodness knows our baby girl is already getting spoiled - she received many ornaments for Christmas and we also picked up a few expecting ones as well. As I was packing them away, the dark thought crossed my mind -what if something happens and we still don't have a baby next year and I have to then come across all these ornaments. I had to stop and tell myself to stop thinking like that. I had to remind myself we have a 99% chance of bringing home our beautiful baby girl in less than six months.

I'm at a strange spot in my pregnancy. Morning sickness (knock on wood) is pretty much gone. My belly continues to grow - my husband has finally called it a belly. I've even felt baby a couple of times - just a few tiny little bloops. Even with all of these signs, my mind seems to be struggling with the fact we have a baby coming. And soon. It still seems so crazy to me after all these years and all our losses, this is really happening. I find myself looking at my belly and shaking my head in disbelief that I'm actually looking at MY belly for once.

Am I Ready For This???

I'm learning the emotional roller-coaster most certainly does not end once you become pregnant.

We went from cautious optimism to feeling good about this pregnancy.

And now I'm starting to freak out about having a baby to care for in six months.

And it's possible I may have had a meltdown last night.

I can't be the only one to feel this way. We've spent so many years trying to get pregnant and that's what occupied my mind. I spent little to no time thinking about what happens when a baby actually shows up - the idea of us finally having a baby seemed so foreign.

Our families have been pestering us about what they can get for the baby - and although it's really sweet of them - I'm just not ready for some of that stuff. We talked about it earlier this week and decided we should start a registry before our parents start buying stuff we don't want. I set one up and added just a few things before I had a near panic attack. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and no business doing it.

Morning sickness is finally letting up and I have not felt her moving yet; so I think there's a disconnect in logically knowing I'm pregnant and having any tangible proof. I would assume it makes it more real when I start to feel movement, or at least make it a little harder to be in denial.

I wonder if it will be a little more challenging for us to transition to having a baby after being just the two of us for so long. The one good thing infertility has done is strengthen our marriage and I know together we will figure out this whole expecting a baby thing. Even if it is a bit scary to think about right now.

BEST. DAY. EVER.

12 weeks tomorrow.

Today we found out our DAUGHTER is chromosomally NORMAL!!!

Beyond blessed!

It Doesn't Matter

When you're in the trenches of infertility and someone complains about their pregnancy you want to strangle the person. You vow to never be like them and to appreciate every time you feel sick and throw up.

And then you get pregnant.

And it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter how many years it took and how much heartache you went through.

When you're vomiting for the third time in a row and you pull a muscle in your neck from vomiting so hard and you're pretty sure part of a cheerio is now lodged in the back of your nose, it doesn't matter. You're completely miserable and all you want is for it to stop. Or at least let up enough for you to take a shower. And you finally understand and appreciate why pregnant women complain.

Morning sickness sucks. And it was really awful for a couple of weeks. More recently I've had the occasional few hours break from feeling like complete crap. I am very much looking forward to the end of morning sickness - if I'm lucky it will be done in a few more weeks.

I'm also ready to be done with the PIO shots. I hate them with a passion. They seemed to get a little better after the first couple of weeks, however, the past several days my butt is just done. My husband has run out of places to stab me where it doesn't hurt. 

It doesn't matter how miserable I've been lately - I would do it all again for our baby. I am so incredibly in love with our little one. 

7w4d

We had another perfect ultrasound today! Baby measured one day ahead and had a heart rate of 160!!

I also had my first OB appointment today. It was so surreal going through that appointment. Everyone we spoke with at the clinic was so incredibly supportive and happy for us. They know our history and they seem almost as excited as we are!! The nurse gave me a really big hug when she came to get me from the waiting room. Crazy to think of all we've been through the past five years and what a relief to finally be receiving good news.

Other good news from my appointment is the massive cyst on my right ovary ruptured. Over the weekend I had some sharp pains around the ovary and I felt really sick - in addition to the nausea my stomach hurt all day long. Morning sickness has been a little less the past couple of days so the timing of the pain and feeling really sick point toward the cyst rupturing over the weekend. I'm just so thankful we don't have to worry about it anymore.

Next OB appt is five weeks from now. Next ultrasound is in a week. I'm really going to miss the weekly peeks when they come to an end.

Oh. And my husband had the nerve to ask my OB when the mood swings will stop. I don't know who wanted to smack him more, me or her. She did say it is common for infertility patients to have more anxiety. I'm trying to just focus on the positives and I am enjoying this as much as possible.