Any Day Now Would Be Good

Impatiently waiting for my period to show up. I finished my two weeks of birth control. I actually stopped it a day early on Friday hoping to get things going quicker. The clinic is closed Friday for the holiday and I really don't want to deal with trying to get in to the walk-in clinic for my baseline monitoring. I had a few hints of cramping yesterday, so hoping!

My stress and anxiety have been not so great lately. I think I'm just fearful of things not going well. And of course the horrible miscarriage nightmares are certainly not helping. It's pretty awful waking up from one of those in a cold sweat and having heart palpitations. I've been trying to keep myself occupied to keep my mind from wandering. I've also come pretty close to the end of having things to research. When you've been doing IVF for as long as I have it is possible to finally have researched 'enough'. I'm sure that's contributing to my stress. All I can do anymore is wait and hope and pray things are finally going to work out.

Too Many Things to Remember

I did my trigger shot and started the birth control. A day late. Ooops. It's been so many years since I was last on a daily birth control pill that I just can't seem to remember to take the damn thing. I have a hard enough time remember to take all my supplements and vitamins every day. It's somewhat comical how ditzy I am trying to remember to take it. I suppose since I know it's only for two weeks my mind just decided to not take it seriously. Oh well. Only 9 more days to go. I have noticed that it seems to be giving me dry mouth that starts about half an hour after I take it and then lasts for an hour or two. I don't remember having that symptom before. But of course, when has my body ever acted normal. I'm guessing in about two weeks I'll be ready for baseline monitoring again. It would be really awesome if my body cooperates and I have good numbers. We shall see.

Resetting

I had a phone chat with my doctor last night. His thoughts are my body is a little confused yet since my miscarriage. My hormones and ultrasound make my body seem as though yesterday was more like cycle day 10 or 11 instead of cycle day 3. So I'm going to do a lupron trigger on Thursday this week and then on Saturday start taking birth control pills for two weeks. Hopefully this will reset my body and get my follicles and hormones back on track. My plan was to just wait another month, but I do like this more proactive approach. I know for some women with DOR birth control can be suppressing, but since it's only two weeks I'm willing to try it. And I can't remember having much of an issue in the past. This delay is very frustrating, but it's just one more step in our journey. I'm hoping my next cycle goes much better.

IVF #8 Canceled

And it's over before it barely got started. Frustrating.

I had my baseline appointment today. E2 was 151 Fsh was 4.7. The biggest problem was two lead follicles, one on each ovary - a 14 and 16. The third biggest follicle was only 6, so no chance of it or any of the smaller ones catching up. I called my clinic in California and had them cancel the cycle before the doctor even reviewed my test results. I asked to be put on the callback list tonight. I just can't foresee pushing forward on a cycle that will likely yield only 2 follicles. My last two mini cycles I had 9 and 5 follicles in the running. This cycle would be just fine for a natural cycle, but it's not what we're going for.

I wondered about this cycle. The last week I felt as though my hormones were way off. I was so ridiculously crabby - like being on lupron for endo crabby. And my basal temps were half a degree lower than normal. And I had an awful period - painful and tons of large clots. I did some castor oil packs this last month and while they're supposed to be cleansing, I wonder if it somehow played a role. Or maybe my hormones are still resetting from my miscarriage. Either way, my gut instinct is telling me to cancel, so I'm going to listen.

So I'm benched until next month. If my cycles continue their 26 day consistency my CD 2 monitoring will fall on July 4...guessing the clinic is closed so I will likely have to go through the walk-in clinic. I had to do it back in November, and while it worked out, it wasn't ideal. I had a huge go-around with the lab tech on releasing the results to me even though it is on the order for me to call the lab.

I just want to move forward already. It's been over a year since we started treatments again and it doesn't feel like we're any closer to having a baby. I know it's best to wait for optimal hormone conditions, but it still sucks waiting. I've been very careful with my diet since at least September and while I don't mind it, sometimes I just really want a little bit of junk food. Or dessert. Or a beer. It's funny how last spring/summer when I was drinking beer several times a week and indulging in the occasional dessert or junk food my hormones were in much better shape...maybe that's the key!

IVF #8 ... Yikes!

We're getting awfully close to double digit IVF cycles...

We have decided it's time to start doing treatments again. I go in for my baseline appointment on Monday morning. It will be interesting to see my hormone levels. We are doing a mini banking cycle this month. I'm guessing I will be on a little bit of clomid and do the Lupron trigger. Depending on how big my follicles start out I could possibly be spending our 5 year anniversary in California alone. I already spent Valentines' Day out there by myself. Oh well, my husband has to work on our anniversary anyways. We had always wanted to do an awesome trip at the five year mark, but thanks to IVF and other major expenses, that won't be happening. Our new goal is to do something big for our 10 year.

I've had a lot of anxiety the past couple of weeks. Not sure if it's still grief or fear about cycling again.  This will be my fifth egg retrieval and fourth trip to California alone, so I don't think that's the issue. I'm guessing I'm just fearful after having our last cycle end so horribly. I've always thought I had a good grasp on all the possible what ifs, but our ectopic caught me so off guard I think it's messing with my mind right now. I'm trying to stay calm and keep myself occupied.

Let's end this post with a funny story that only infertiles can relate to. My husband flew out to California about a week ago to freeze another sample. When he went to check out at the front desk the receptionist commented, "that was quick!" He said she was immediately embarrassed from blurting that out and stumbled over her words trying to cover. He just shook his head.

I Should Have Known

Today I had a dentist appointment. No big deal, just a routine cleaning.

My appointment was originally in March - the same day we had our third beta. I called the dentist's office when I got my result that morning and canceled my afternoon appointment. I was pregnant and there was no way I was taking any chances. I had the appointment rescheduled for today.

My dentist and hygienist know we've been doing IVF treatments. It tends to come up when I decline x-rays during a treatment cycle or my gums are more sensitive when I'm on stimulation meds. I thought it would come up but I just wasn't prepared for the tears that sprang in my eyes when my hygienist came in the room and had a big grin on her face and said, "so, I see you canceled your March appointment because you were pregnant...". Yea, the look on the poor girl's face when I told her we lost the pregnancy was awful. I think I ended up consoling her more than she consoled me. She is incredibly sweet and thoughtful and told me she would pray really hard for good news at my next appointment.

I'll take all the help and well wishes I can get.

Cycling Soon

We had originally planned to get back into a banking cycle this month, but due to circumstances beyond our control and some that were in our control, we decided to wait until next month.

Hopefully things will settle down around here in the next couple of weeks. My husband needs to fly out to California to deposit another sample since we've used up the three vials we had from before. He's making it a quick trip since he's been busy with work and other projects.

If we do decide to go ahead with the next cycle, then I would fly out around the late middle part of June. I'm kinda ready to get this show on the road. It's time to move forward and I'm ready.

My grief has been easing. Some days still sneak up on me. It didn't help last week when we visited several different friends who all had babies in the past year. It was hard. Very hard. I went out to visit my grandma's grave on Mother's Day. She was the closest thing I had to a good mother growing up so it seemed only fitting I visit her on the day. I think it was therapeutic for me to go out there. I cried some hard ugly tears and although it left me exhausted I think it was a good release. I didn't bother even texting my own mother. It still deeply disturbs me she has yet to acknowledge the loss of our pregnancy. I did send her a card. Late. On purpose. Go me. I have a core group of friends that really get what I'm going through. They were amazing. Each one of them sent me a message on Mother's Day acknowledging my heartache. That kind of support means everything to me.

For now, I'm just hanging out, trying to stay healthy and relaxed.